Speech by Dave Griffith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Griffith
Speech Date: dec 2002
Andy's Best man speech!
Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girl's and to all those Everton fan's in the room, hello my name is Dave “would you like a drink”. Please feel free to speak to me at the bar later but I would insist on being called by my full name!!!!!
I would firstly like to thank all of you for coming today and helping to make Andy's and Laura's wedding day such a special occasion for all those involved. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job less nerve wracking.
However, every cloud has a silver lining and I'm afraid you now have to listen to me make a speech as best man

When Andy asked me to be his best man I admit …I panicked and I thought of a thousand ways to say ‘No politely’… and in my haste to pick out the best one I just blurted out
"Of course I'll do it mate – it'll be a honour"(PAUSE)
I do of course jest – I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Andy the most uncomfortable time of his life. – Which to be fair is only what he gives Laura every-time they go to bed. (PAUSE)
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Andy and Laura if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

Before I get going, I understand that a few of ya have a book running on how long my speech is going to take. Well, I would like to put a £10 on 40 mins!

How we got to know each other!
Now apparently…I'm supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his
Good points.… Unfortunately Ladies and Gentlemen…I can't sing and I won't lie…
(PAUSE)
I suppose a lot of you don't know me. After all, I didn't get an invite to the engagement party as he “ forgot “ as Andy likes to tell people. Truth is we weren't really that great of mates back then. He was always that guy who look's a bit like Lee Westwood the golf pro who occasionally came out, of course when the missus would let him!!!
We only got matey when we both joined a local fitness club and started going at the same time. After that I haven't been able to get rid of him………… Sorry I mean we have been great mates.
(PAUSE)
There is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for Andy, and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me.…
In fact we spend our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other.
(PAUSE)
We both have a mutal like of all things Alcohol related and I have to say for someone so small he can't half put his drink away. Also, I love me football and most of you who know Andy know he is an avid Everton fan (corrupted at a early age by his old man) and I'm a Manc. We both have had some humours moments in the past just over footballing arguments. Mostly over just how much Everton paid Han Segars to keep them in the Premier League in the 94 season.

Anyone who know's us though are surprised just how we get along, all we ever do is argue and bitch at each other. He's the laziest electrician in the world and apparently I'm laziest button pusher! I've worked for Andy just the once and he's never asked me back! The way I look at it though was, he was scared that I was getting to close to the truth! Electrician's love tea!
(PAUSE)
Andy's like a little brother to me and if I didn't already have 2 I would be proud to call him so, as it is I think of him as that annoying scoucer from Bersham!!!!
Stag Night
Anyway, onto the Stag night. I wouldn't be too far of the mark to say that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated in front of me than a Taliban Cave digger. (PAUSE)
Unfortunately, I cannot say much about it… as Andy's solicitor has advised caution… until the court case next month.
However, I have been informed by the RSPCA, that the donkey is doing well and will make a full recovery! (PAUSE)
Seriously though, we had an ace time in Nottingham. It was a 2-day affair (for some of us anyway) (PAUSE)
God I miss her!
(PAUSE)
It started 2 weeks ago as I picked Andy, Stu and Derks up for what I can only say will be the most memorable road trip I have ever taken!
Why?
For one reason only!
I have no radio in my car! Andy took it out as he “ tried “ to fix it and me not being a music person had never bothered replacing it. I think that we all started arguing about 20 mins into the journey as we were still in Wrexham after my “detour “!

Things went well after that, I think I must of heard “ Dave turn the Radio up “ at least a thousand times; it wasn't funny after the first time.
All was going well until we got to the outskirts of Nottingham, and into rush hour traffic. By this time I think we had told each other every funny little story we had stored into out primitive male brains. 3 TIMES!
Now, I'm not talking a mild que, we were in at least 10 mile's of traffic all the way into the city centre. Tempers were that fraid at this point that the lad's resorted to winding down windows to listen to what the car next to us was listening to! Also, turning my car lights on and off to stop the bloke in front of us reading his map was also a giggle!
All being well it took us about 3 hrs 30 mins to get to the B&B and by this time we were at shouting levels, let me tell you this. Andrew has the map reading/phoning for directions ability of a 4 yr old and I'm sure there are 4 yr old's who could run rings around him!
(PAUSE)
After we eventually found the B&B we spent the early part of the night putting our money over the bar and straight into Scottish football's legends Don Masson's pocket, never heard of him??? Neither had we! He did cook a mean English brekkie though! Anyway ”The rest of the Friday night we spent slipping into a quiet night on the beer “. (PAUSE)
The next morning, the paintballing morning you had to be there to see the state of the other 3 after our quite night on the beer. Stupidly and I know I'll never listen to any “ Andy directions “ again, we as per usual took the wrong turning, getting on the a621 a road, which Andy (the map reader) was convinced, did not exist. Well, I will not tell you off the language we threw at each other; lets just say we saw more of Nottinghamshire that morning than we originally thought we would that weekend!
All in all, it was a great day out! Spoilt only by the amount of wound's we, sorry I have! Don't listen to anyone who tell's you it don't hurt! A paintball hitting you at 120 miles an hour is going to leave a mark! My back still hurts!!!!
Anyway, The rest of the weekend is subject to the laws of stag, surfice to say we had a great time. I think it was a great send off!
Andy and Laura, Marriage and all that!
Tradition says that I have to say something about Andrew and Laura's future together. So I have put together a few thing's I hope they can take through the many happy year's they have together!
Before I start though I'd like to ask Andrew and Laura to participate in this part of my speech. Stay seated, as this will not take long! Laura if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…right Andy, if you can put your hand directly on top of Laura's, …(PAUSE)
Enjoying that Andy? Make the most of it mate because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!!!! (PAUSE)
After Andy asked me to be his Best man I actually thought that seeing this would be the 4th time doing the job I would actually have to put some preparation in to it! After all I do have to earn my appearance fee! So after spending some time finding all there is to know on Wedding's, the etiquette and style of speeches I came across a few gems, which I'll share with you now! At the local library, I found a book, which offered a few definitions of some of the common words, and phrase's associated with marriage!
The AISLE: – It's the longest walk you'll ever take
The ALTAR: – It's the place where 2 become 1!
The HYMN: – The celebration of marriage!

Although I must admit I think Laura must have read the same book, as I'm sure I heard her saying as she came up the aisle today!
“ AISLE, ALTER, HYMN… AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN “!

Sorry, I know my jokes are bad! Just couldn't resist that one!!!!!

Anyway, in winding up my speech as best man may I offer these 3 piece's of advice to you Andrew and Laura, they will both be pleased to know that a successful marriage can easily be compared to Andy's other great passion – football.
Be fully committed every week
Always make sure you score on a Saturday
And
Make sure you change ends at Half time!
I'm also assured that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer market.
The most important thing to remember Andy is always to use those 3 little words Laura love's to here – YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!
(PAUSE)
Toast's and closure of speech
all joking to one side Andy and Laura are great together,
On behalf of Andy and Laura I want to thank all of you for sharing in their special day and a special thank you to those of you who have travelled from afar. I would personally like to thank Andy for choosing me as his Best man and I hope to inflict the same punishment on him one day!
Cards
Read from a selection of cards given by the bride's and Groom's parents!
Toast
I would now like you all to charge your glasses and be upstanding for THREE separate toasts,
Firstly a toast to absent friends and family,
TOAST
Secondly a big thank you John and Molly and Paul and Christine for raising twonderful siblings
TOAST
And finally a toast to Andy and Laura, the new Mr and Mrs Jones One last thing before the food starts being served I have here a short blessing which will end my speech!
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand
Thank you all for listening and enjoy the rest of the day!