Speech by Dave Irwin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Irwin
Speech Date: Apr 2002
• Best man: Dave Irwin, from Northern Ireland, flew from London to New Zealand for wedding, I know the groom from school days.
• Groom: Marty Arbuthnott, lives in Sydney, knows best man from school days in Belfast Northern Ireland
• Bride: Megan Hickey, Kiwi, lives in Sydney
• Grooms man, Jock from Scotland
• Bridesmaids, Sarah and Louise, Megans younger sisters

Setting the scene:
About 100 people in total, groom from Northern Ireland, bride from North Island, New Zealand. Venue was brides parents dairy farm by Mt Taranaki in N Zealand. There was a big marquee pitched in the field by the house, beautiful weather, good food and a real party atmosphere with Irish, Brits, Kiwis and Ozzy people there. Thanks to hitched.co.uk I was able to speak for about 25 mins and the whole place was pissing themselves laughing for the majority of the speech. Everyone came up to me after the dinner/ speeches and said it was “the best / funniest speech they had ever heard” etc etc. This is down to hitched.co.uk which I thankfully stumbled across on the www. Below is my speech, the bits in brackets/ underlined are explanatory notes to put speech in context:

The Speech
Thankyou Ted (Ted who was master of ceremony introduced me as the best man) for those kind words. Firstly I'd like to introduce myself, my name is Dave Irwin and I'm from Belfast Northern Ireland. When I hear Ted using the phrase Best Man I think you'd all agree with me that there really is only one best man here today and that's Marty! Now I was very impressed by Marty's speech (he had just finished his speech a little earlier) the last time he got a clap (round of applause/ disease) like that it took 6 weeks of antibiotics to sort it out! Now I'm not very accustomed to public speaking and I can assure all of you that this is actually the seventh time today that I've got up off a warm seat with paper in my hand (obviously just got up from my seat to make speech and had a few white paper cards in my hand) Talking of which this (produce a builders brick from a box of props I have on the table) was found in the portaloo just after Marty used it (portaloo just beside marquee) Jock (the groomsman from Scotland) said finders keepers but I think I'll give it back to its rightful owner (hand brick to Marty) . While we're on that subject I think you need to stock up on some more loo roll Uncle Pinto (uncle pinto was brides uncle sitting in audience, he owned a house just down the road, all the lads involved in the wedding were staying at his house for 2/3 days) . When Marty asked me to be his best man I immediately consulted with my father, Dad Dad what should I do, Marty has asked me to be his best man! He said two things, firstly, son, being a best man is like making love to the queen mother, it's a great honour but nobody actually wants to do it……….I on the other hand was actually quite looking forward to it…that's the speech of course (they all think I'm still talking about making love to queen mum) The second thing he said to me was, son, a best mans speech should be like a womans dress, short enough to be interesting but not so long to be dull and boring! When I talk about womans dresses I think you'll all agree with me that Megan, Sarah and Louise (bride and bridesmaids) look absolutely stunning today…..Marty you just look stunned! On behalf of Sarah and Louise (bridesmaids) I'd like to thank Marty for all his kind words, I know that both of them have put a lot of effort into making today happen…..thankyou girls. Both the bridesmaids, Jock and myself consider it to be a real privalege to be part of Marty and Megans special day, both Jock and I arrived here a few days ago and we have both been treated like kings so a big thankyou to all of you from Jock and myself. When I mention Jocks name it makes me wonder why he isn't wearing his kilt today (Jock is Scottish) I was reliably told that a kiwi sheep ( a lot of farmers in the audience) can hear a zipper from 20 yards so by my logic if Jock had worn his kilt this would have given him a 20 yard head start on Marty!

I've just spent the last week touring round the North Island of N Zealand with Marty and a few other lads. I haven't seen Marty for a few years before this and it was great to see him letting his hair down as its obviously been letting him down for the past few years (Marty going bald) Marty was born in 1973 and for the first 11 years of his life we did not know each other as we first met when we both went to big school. As a result of this I did a little research into his early years to find out what he was really like. One person I spoke with said he was smelly, dirty, picked his nose, had excessive flatulence and was generally just very undesirable……thanks for all of that Ann! (Ann is Marty mum just sitting across table from me) I then spoke with Martys dad Tom, I said Tom, what was Marty really like when he was younger? Tom told me that he had one beautiful baby daughter, Susan (Martys big sister) and because everything went so well both he and Ann decided to have another child……along came Marty! Tom said that the first time he saw Marty he immediately believed in Darwins theory that man evolved from apes. He also told me that one week after marty was born the hospital in which he was born opened a family planning clinic and started issuing free condoms! Finally I spoke with Martys big sister Susan, I said susan what was Marty really like? she said, Dave, my younger brother is one in a million, when they made him they broke the mould…………….now admittedly some of that mould has grown back!

Moving on to big school, Marty and I first met each other at age 11. This is where he acquired his nick name of Farty due to his excessive flatulence, we'll come on to that a little later. Now Marty was not the sharpest tool in the box at school, both he and I were in many of the same classes. I can recall some of his more legendary moments from our days in school together.

• In music class the teacher offered him two tickets to Pavorotti, the first thing marty said was “is that for one or two weeks and whats the temperature like”
• In religious education, when the teacher was talking about the book of genesis, Marty was convinced that this was Phil Collins latest CD
• In sex education the teacher was referring to the concept of Guaranteed Mutual Climax, Marty of course thought that this was a pension fund
• Finally in Home Economics we sometimes had to do cookery skills, the teacher was telling us about that world famous dish coq-au-vin, Marty was convinced that this was sex in a truck!

Marty and I also used to enjoy a game of poker during school lunch hours, Marty regularly took money off me and over the past week touring round the north Island of New Zealand he's been taking money off me every night, but from this point on I think I'm going to win, Martys 13 year old niece Deborah (sitting at table) gave me some poker lessons last night and I think I'll now be able to beat him!

Moving on to university life, Marty went to uni at southampton where he studied Marine biology, apparently he thought this was all about sexy girls and the birds / bees down by the sea side. When I tried to do some research on Marty by speaking with his old uni mates, they all said Marty Who??? The first 6 all said this and then I came to the seventh guy and I said can you tell me a bit about Marty Arbuthnott, he said who? He then thought a little longer and he said ooh you mean GOD! I said to him, what do you mean? He said, that guy was always called GOD, you never see him, he makes all his own rules and any work he does is a bloody miracle! I then tried to track down some of Marty's old girlfriends but unfortuately due to the foot and mouth crisis back in the UK they have all been culled (kiwi farmers in audience liked this)

Now I know that New Zealand is a very sporting nation and you are especially proud of your national rugby team. Rugby in New Zealand is hopelessly seriously, while in Ireland where I am from it is seriously hopeless, but Marty somehow managed to avoid rugby all together and opted for that ladies sport know as ‘mens hockey’. When Marty knew I was travelling out for his wedding he asked me to bring out some of his old ‘mens hockey’ belongings. (Produce one by one from my box of props the following items and encouage groom to try on:— kiwi farmers love this)

• Stockings
• Hockey skirt
• Red lacy hockey pants
• Pink backless ladies sport top
• Pink bandana head band

As well as the ladies sport of ‘mens hockey’ Marty and I used to sail together. He has always had a love for sailing, the ocean and seamen (the sicker members of the audience get the spunk joke here). Conisdering the sports that Marty was in to, when all the lads back in Belfast heard that he was getting married we all thought two things:
• Sydney mardi gras
• That ever popular magazine, gay connections monthly.

Oh and that reminds me Marty here are those magazines that you asked me to bring out for you from Belfast (produce magazines sticking out out of brown bag from my box of props) Big Belfast Sailor Boys and Belfast hockey Studs!

After uni Marty headed off to find his fortune, he started out working on an Irish ferry that went back and forward across the Irish sea every day from Ireland to Scotland. I got in contact with some of the guys who Marty worked with, one chap was called Big Archie and he remembered Marty well. He said, Dave , I remember Marty working in the kitchens on board the ferry, nearly everyday passengers would comment on the tenderness of his meatballs but when it came to the sausage there was always the same old line ‘ haven't you got anything bigger Sir? (for the sicker members of the audience they get the dick and balls analalogy ) Marty then met his beautiful wife Megs when he was working in Brunei on the Sultan of Brunei's personal boat and she was in Brunei working as a nurse (this is true, stuff about premature ejeculation is obvioulsly false) although I have been informed that this is simply an elaborate cover story! Marty actually met Megs while he was in the premature ejeculation ward of a hospital were Megs was working as a nurse, apparently at one stage it was touch and go!! (sicker members of audience get this one)
Marty then went on to meet Megans parents (Paddy and Nola, paddy is a bout 5ft tall and a kiwi farmer, nola is is loyal wife). Now Paddy being a rough tough dwarf size Kiwi farmer he is naturally very protective of his three beautiful daughters. Megan used to get a lot of attention from the local boys and Paddy always liked to run his eye over / check them out before he let them anywhere near his daughters. There was this one chap called Gary (made up name) and he was coming to visit Megan on the farm, Paddy saw him coming up the farm lane and immediately shouted to Megan, “Get inside now Megan, get inside and help your mother in the kitchen!”. A few weeks later another chap who had been showing a lot of interest in Megan was coming to the farm, his name was Steve (made up name). Steve came walking up the farm lane and Paddy saw him in the distance. Immediately he shouted “Megan, get inside the house now!” Megan being a good girl obeyed her fathers wishes. Paddy then proceeded to check Steve out. A few weeks later Marty (the groom) was coming to the farm, Paddy saw him walking down the farm lane, immediately he shouted “Megan, get inside the house now, and while you're at it get all those sheep locked up quickly!!” (Kiwi farmers loved this one). Marty then made it past Paddy and was going to have Sunday lunch with the whole Hickey family, Nola (brides mum) had put on a beautiful spread as per usual. Marty was a little nervous sitting around the table with all the Hickey family and Raz the family farm cat sitting on the floor at Martys feet. Being a city boy Marty was not really used to all the sights and smells of this rural environment which was quite alien to him. Half way through the meal Marty decided that he needed a SBD or silent but deadly, perhaps you remember at this point Martys old nick name, Farty! He just couldn't hold on any longer so he quietly sneaked it out, Nola immediately shouted “Raz!”, Marty thought to him self, fantastic Raz the cat got blamed for that one! Ten minutes later Marty / Farty has to let another one go, a rather large SBD this time. Nola once again shouts “Raz!”. Mart thinks to himself, great I'm in the all clear, no matter what I do here I'm in the clear as they all think its Raz the smelly farm cat. Marty then proceeds to drop another SBD, Nola again shouts “Raz! Would you get out of there before he suffocates you!!”
If you speak with Marty today you'll find that he still blames Raz and if you speak with Nola you'll find that she blames Marty!!
Now I also have a few words of wisdom for Megan. (look to Megan when speaking, remember she is a nurse) Marty has always liked his women in nurses outfits and inflated to about 50 pounds per square inch. After a decade with his inflatable friend he has at last found himself a real live nurse who is how his loving, caring, intelligent, loyal, beautiful, best friend and wife……..Megan you just got Marty! Also Megan, a few words for you to take away with you. A man is like a tiled floor, lay him right the first time and you can walk all over him for years to come!
Oh and I nearly forgot, Marty you asked me to bring out some viagra for you from the UK (hand Marty a small white jar with viagra written on the front) be sure to swallow them quickly or you'll get a stiff neck. What you probably don't know Marty is that Megan also asked me to bring out a supply of Viagra from the UK (produce this huge big white bucket which I managed to find on the farm and wrote Viagra across the front of it), here you go Megan, this is the years supply that you asked for!
I now have some telegrams that I'd like to read out:

Some spoof Telegrams
• Marty, from your old school mate Tony, sorry I can't be at the wedding, please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted! (ie shagging / picture frame). Don't think you want to be posting photos like that around the world Marty!
• Marty, from all your old hockey club mates. You were useless in any position, hope you have more luck with him than we did Megan.
• Marty, you and me could have been great together, lots of love Big Archie the sailor from Irish Sea Ferries (linked to earlier story)
• (Catholic wedding) Sorry I couldn't perform the wedding ceremony. Father Casey (priest for the day) wouldn't change places with me for the day. Blessings from his holiness the pope

Close and Toasts
All joking to one side Marty and Megs are great together…(.blah blah blah, just saying nice, kind stuff about bride and groom). On behalf of Marty and Megs I want to thank all of you for sharing in their special day and a special thankyou to those of you who have travelled from afar. I would now like you all to charge your glasses and be upstanding for THREE separate toasts, firstly a toast to absent friends and family,
TOAST
secondly a big thankyou and toast to Paddy and Nola (brides parents) and Ann and Tom (grooms parents),
TOAST
finally a toast to Marty and Megs, the new Mr and Mrs Arbuthnott!
TOAST

I want to finish by reciting a traditional Irish blessing (say this really slowly / seriously and say nothing after it, just sit down once you have finished it)

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.