Speech by Dave James

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave James
Speech Date: Aug 2001
(Stand up & pause ) …I did n't think I was nervous but this is not the first time I've stood up from a warm seat today with a bit of paper in my hand.

The book ( hold up book ) tells you to start all speeches with a joke & I'll promise I'll start shortly.
It also says that you are the most forgiving audience & you'll laugh at the lamest joke. Over the next 10 minutes I will be severely testing this theory.
Before commencing there is a disclaimer. My speech does not contain any original material…… So if anyone is offended, its got nothing to do with me.

I am sure that you will all agree that J*** looks absolutely wonderful today, radiant, stunning, I would go as far a to say that you look one in a million.
Panda you look like your on in a raffle.

Seriously today has been a wonderful day. Emotional at times, …..even the cake was in tiers.

It is a great honour being Panda's best man.
Not only because we've been mates for 23 years,
or because it has given me the opportunity to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.
Not even because after all these years he has finally admitted that yes, I am the best man,
But 10 years ago he was my best man & today I have the opportunity to get the bastard back.…

Now I am sure you've all heard that delivering the best man's speech is like being asked to make love to the Queen.
A great honour, but no bugger wants to do it…
Although I prefer the analogy, that its like inheriting a harem. .… You know exactly what to do, but where do you start.
Our old English teacher said that each story should have a beginning, a middle & an end.

So the beginning
Panda you were born on the 29 December 1965.
Looking at him today it is not hard to believe that he was an ugly sod…., so ugly that the midwife smacked his parents.
In fact A***** is the only Mother I've known to have morning sickness AFTER the birth.
It is a little known fact that he was nearly christened FRIDAY, because B*** took one look at him & said right lets call it a day.

As Panda grew up his older brothers took him out to play football.
Being the youngest they stuck him in goal ( AHHH ! )
(stop , put notes down. I know its been a long afternoon but that was useless, try again )
As Panda grew up his older brothers took him out to play football.
Being the youngest they stuck him in goal ( AHHH ! ). Better
They put him out on the wing & at the back. In fact they tried him in every position but he was useless in them all. So I understand that there's no change there then J***

I've managed to obtain a copy of Panda's school report.
Now I met him when we joined Comprehensive school so imagine my surprise when I read his middle school headmaster's comments.
‘A***** is an ideal pupil, who should excel in most subjects’……sorry that should read
‘A***** is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects’
I‘d like to share some more comments . ( READ FROM BOOK. )
Geography
Thinks Ellesmere Port is a table wine
Drama
He thought Alfred Hitchcock was a jockstrap
Biology
Only student I know who studied for a blood test
Home Economics
Today he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice carton.
When I asked him why he said ‘look it says concentrate’

Sport
Andrew's sporting prowess is legendary.
In the school cricket team, for instance, he single handedly re wrote the record books.
§ Shortest time to bat
§ Most catches dropped
§ Most wide bowled in an over
§ The list goes on

Panda leaves school.…
The period of his life between leaving school & meeting J*** can be covered with a few words;
Swan, Dolphin, Towcester Races, Corals and of course Guinness & Curry.
In fact Panda's idea of a balanced diet in this time was a chinky in one hand and a curry in the other.
People ask how Panda got his name. Since meeting Jean he tells some nonsense story about it being derived from being called Andy Pandy when he was 2yrs old
Now he his married I can reveal the true reason….Unfortunately J*** it was the way he behaved with his previous girlfriends, because it EATS SHOOTS & LEAVES.

Another question asked is how did Panda & J*** meet.
Well like most single men Panda was a lazy sod. In a bid to grab an extra few minutes in bed or in front of the TV he wanted a machine that would make him his coffee.
So he put an ad in the paper.…
Unfortunately he completed the ad after darts one Monday night & made a few mistakes and ended up with a PERKY COPULATOR instead.
Since then Panda & J*** have married, for better and for worse. Which is quite apt as
Panda you could not hare done any better & Jean you could not have done much worse.
J***, in fact he has so many faults we used to call him San Andreas.
One of these faults though is not greed…
I recall on holiday in Cofru. On the way to the pub one afternoon we stopped off for a pizza. The waiter asked Panda if he would like his cut into 4 or 8 pieces.
He replied only 4, I could n't eat 8…

Which brings me to my next point, Its funny how history repeats itself. 30 years ago J*** you were going to bed with a dummy & 30 years on you are again.
I think I'd better get on with the cards.
READ JOKE CARDS
1
Sorry we cannot be with you today, but hope that you have a great day & a wonderful future together.
Please send us a photograph. Not necessarily mounted holding hands will do
2
Best wishes to the both of you.
It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership.
Anyone of believes this knows very little about women or fractions.
3
Congratulations to you both
They say that love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener
4
Panda & Jean. Best Wishes on your wedding day.
Remember
Love is when you're only interested in doing things with your partner
Lust is when you're only interested in doing things to our partner
Marriage is when you're only interested in your golf score
5
Best Wishes for today & your future years together
a rhyme..
I hope that your marriage is blessed with good luck
And I trust that Jean is a good… cook
(Read genuine cards from those who could not make it )

As you look around the room there is a wealth of married experience. I have distributed some cards asking people to write a short note of what marriage means to them and I'd like to read a random selection.
READ FROM CARDS
ADVICE
1
Men are like fine wine.
They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.
Woman are also like fine wines.
They start out fresh & fruity, intoxicating to the mind.
With age then become full bodied until they go sour & vinegary and end up giving you a headache.

2
Marriage has many pains
But celibacy has no pleasures
3
Its important to get on with your mother in law.
I did n't speak to mine for two years.
Not because I didn't like her, I just did n't want I interrupt
4
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget once
5
Women like silent men they think you are listening
6
I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late
7
A friend of mine said that he would go through hell for his lover. They got married & now he is.
8
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage it is love
After marriage it is self defence
9
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife.
You can be sure of one thing, either the wife or the car are new

You may recall my reference to the book earlier ( hold up book, again ) saying that I should tell a joke. I heard one the other day, which to me epitomised marriage.
Father & Son were walking thru the Chemist.
Son spots packets of condoms & asks his father what they are.
His father explains their purpose, but the son still looks puzzled.
He asks why do they come in packets of 3, 6 & 12.
His father says
Packets of 3 are used by young men, about 17/18. They use one on Friday night, one on Saturday & the last one on Sunday.
Packets of 6 are used by lads in their early twenties who are slightly more experienced. They use 2 on Friday, 2 on Saturday & 2 on Sunday.
And packets of 12 are used by MARRIED men.
They use 1 in January, 1 in February , 1 in March..…

For all of my mickey taking Panda you are a great bloke. Over the years that I've known him, both me & our group of friends have had many experiences – both good and bad. The one constant throughout has been Panda. We're proud to call you our mate.
And since meeting J*** I've never seen you happier.

I started planning this speech a few weeks ago.… & it must feel like I've been delivering it that long. It gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all – well those who still can – to stand.
Panda J*** , we wish you well for the future & hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage

PANDA & J***