Speech by Dave Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Johnson
Speech Date: 11/06/2012 11:13:37

Good Afternoon everyone and thank you for coming to this special occasion, it's lovely to see so many friends and family here today. I'm sure you will all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, yet every silver lining does have a cloud, and that is, unfortunately that you've now all got to listen to me ramble on for a while…

I did hear there was a sweepstake running on how long this speech was going to be and just so you know, I managed to get 200/1 on an hour and 12 minutes, so I hope you've all been to the toilet, filled your glasses and are all sitting comfortably.

Firstly I'd like to start by saying what a wonderful job the bridesmaids have done today and how fantastic they all look. 

They are of course only outshone by Sally, who I think you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning.

I would also like to thank the ushers, for at least turning up relatively sober.  Good job though boys, I'm sure everyone here would have all struggled to find their seats, without the help of the five of you!

So for those that don't know me I'm Dave and I've known Andy since we were toddlers…My main aim today is not to embarrass or humiliate the groom, but rather to help you all to get to know him a little bit better.  Although as a disclaimer, I cannot deny that a little embarrassment and humiliation may be on the cards.

The first thing a best man is supposed to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man Sally has married, so here we go…Andy is caring, loving, funny, charming, generous and…*squint and show card to groom* Sorry mate but I'm struggling to read your handwriting! Well you get the idea anyway, he's a decent bloke.

Andy and I have been best friends for many years now, so obviously I have been witness to some of his finer moments.  I've have also, of course, been witness to some of his less fine moments.  And naturally, it's mainly those moments I shall be focusing on today…after all leading up to the wedding, he did say he didn't care what stories were told in this speech. 

Even with this in mind, I soon realised that the majority of the stories still fell in to the ‘not fit for public consumption’ category!

Naturally, in preparation for writing this speech I consulted his family to see if there were any funny stories from the groom's childhood. John informed me that as a small child when he needed the toilet, he had to go and hide behind the sofa…well, ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you that 20-odd years later, thankfully, he has now grown out of this habit…however his toilet habits can still resemble those of a two year old, as was the case on holiday in Spain last year, when he had a little accident in the middle of the night!

Luckily for Sally though, being a dog owner she's quite often carrying a poop-a-scoop around with her so she must be fairly used to clearing up other people's mess!

Andy was the year below me at school and has always told me what an academic genius he is, and in fairness, there's nothing really to suggest to the contrary.

Now that may sound like he was ‘blowing his own trumpet’ and whilst on the subject, Andy used to take trumpet lessons back in school…Rock and Roll I know! Unfortunately for him though, a characteristic of a good trumpet player is that you need the right kind of lips. 

I always thought that Andy grew ‘too cool’ to continue his trumpet playing, until a couple of years ago, when Sami reliably informed us that the real reason was because his bottom lip was in fact too big! I'm not sure if she made that bit up though?!

Luckily during our time in Tarporley 6^th form, myself and Andy discovered a new shared interest in…lager, bitter, cider, vodka, Sambuca…well I think you get the idea!

We spent many good times ‘socialising’ in our local public houses and especially enjoying many lock ins with Ahmed and everyone in the Copper Kettle!

After 6^th form we both went our separate ways and whilst I was in Sheffield, Andy went to study in Liverpool.  He enjoyed his first year SO much at University that he decided to attempt it again.  He assures me it had nothing to do with excessive drinking and partying and was purely because he wanted a change in direction.

On our return from our time at University, we decided to move in to a rented house in town. I'm sure Sally will agree that Andy isn't the tidiest of people to live with, but we did share some great times whilst living in Handbridge. 

Most people like to make their mark on a home, but Andy took this quite literally and one piece of advice I can pass on to Sally that I learnt from my time living with Andy, is never go away for a weekend and leave him with a bottle of Rum punch, especially if you decide to lay cream carpets in your new house!

It's rumoured that on the day in question, or should I say the morning after, Andy (and Matthew) were found face down on the living room floor next to a HUGE orange stain. For those who have never drank Rum punch, I'd just like to advise you at this point, that it is fluorescent orange in colour so as you can imagine it's not the easiest stain to get out of a cream carpet and this was confirmed by Chrissy, my mother and also ‘Compentent Carpet cleaners of Chester’. 

I think it's safe to say, Andy really made a lasting mark on that house!

Seriously though Sally, I think you need to get laminate flooring throughout your new home!

Not long after we had moved in together, Andy and Sally went on a blind date. After this first date, I remember Andy telling me that the night they met, there was enough electricity to power the National Grid…in light of them both being accountants, I like to think that what he really meant, was it was enough to power a Casio Calculator!

Andy is far from the stereotypical accountant. That said, in the run-up to the wedding he did prepare a spread sheet listing the probability of attendance for each and every one of us. He had Sally down as 100%…which I thought was a tad presumptuous.

After a few years together, Andy proposed to Sally out at sea whilst on a holiday in Spain last summer. He chartered a yacht and whilst they were supping Champagne, the boat became surrounded by a pack of dolphins.  A very romantic scene, I am sure you will all agree. Now you may be wondering where this anecdote is leading…well, a lot of you here today may know that Andy's nickname is ‘Clogg’, but what I bet a lot of you didn't know is that Sally has her own pet name for him…*turn to groom* isn't that right DOLPHIN?

No seriously, their relationship has obviously blossomed down the years and anyone who has spent any time with you both will agree you make a fantastic couple.

The other love in the groom's life is Birmingham City. Being a massive Birmingham City fan, and having held a season ticket for many years now, Andy and his dad often make the trip down to see their beloved Blues on a Saturday afternoon. In fact, he's such a huge fan that he still lets his dad pay for his season ticket, misses the train most weeks and when he does eventually turn up to meet his Dad, he never has any cash on him!

Andy and John will travel the length and breadth of the country to watch Birmingham play…as was literally the case the time Andy was getting the train to New Street from Manchester after a night out and ended up waking up in Cheltenham; on the plus side he woke up in time to get off in Cheltenham and return to Brum just in time for thesecond half!

Myself and Andy have spent many a holiday together. From our regular trips to Puerto Banus, to our trip to Tokyo, Sydney and Thailand (for Xmas back in 2007). I'd like to tell you these were highly cultural trips filled with museum visits, theatre trips & sightseeing  – however, reminiscing now I can confirm that in fact none of this ever took place & instead our time was mainly spent in hostelries sampling the local liquid delicacies. Each trip was an experience I can tell you.

This brings me nicely on to the stag do…well what can I say about the stag do, not a great deal in present company, but I can say we enjoyed a few days in the sun in Barcelona. 

I can also let you know that Andy looks fantastic in lycra, he wears a henna tattoo remarkably well, and that Barcelona is in fact one of Boris Johnson's favourite holiday destinations.

Anyway that's about as far as I'm willing to go with that, or as far as I remember if truth be told!

Before I let you all enjoy the rest of the day, it's traditional to offer the groom some advice and as I have just mentioned with him being such a huge fan of Birmingham City, you'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football…so Andy… 

–       Ensure you are fully committed every week.

–       Try your best to score every Saturday.

–       Don't put your tackle in too hard as you might get injured.

We've had some excellent times together over the years, and I know we will continue to do so in the future.You have been a fantastic friend and it really is a great honour to be your Best Man today and it's been a real pleasure getting to know Sally over the past few years so I wish you both every happiness for the future…

I also hope you have a great honeymoon, which I only found out today was spending some time travelling around Asia.  Originally I thought it was in North Wales as Andy told me he was going to Bangor for a week.

Just before I make a toast I'd just like to thank all the staff here at Nunsmere hall for their fantastic hospitality today…bar-keep, cue the moment when you need to start pouring me a pint!

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, could I ask you to stand with me, and raise your glasses in a toast to Andy and Sally, the new Mr & Mrs Clegg.

We wish you well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Andy and Sally.