Speech by Dave Kershaw

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Kershaw
Speech Date: dec 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves. I'm sure you'll agree that everything has gone well so far. Unfortunately you can't expect 100% perfection, so as every silver lining has a cloud………(PAUSE)……….I'm it and you'll just have to suffer me for the next few minutes.

Now, I will try to keep this short so at least if you don't find it funny, you can commend me on what a good length the speech was.…

I'd like to start by thanking on behalf of the bride and groom, the bridesmaids Hayley and Georgia, and the pageboy Lewis, for all their help and I'd just like to say how wonderful they all look.
I think you'll all agree with me that Emma looks stunning and makes a beautiful bride.
Mark,..… well………… you look stunned.
And so I don't leave anyone out, I just want to say thanks to the ushers Brett and Dave. You both look beautiful as well.

Like most people asked to be best man, I'm a little nervous about giving this speech. So much so that this isn't the 1st time I've got up from a warm seat with some sheets of paper in my hand.
Having said that, I don't think I was as anxious as Mark was earlier, as when I followed him into the toilet I found this. (Pass BRICK to mark).

When Mark asked me to be his best man, I'll admit, I panicked. I thought of a hundred ways to say “NO” politely…………but in my haste to pick out the best one, I just blurted out “Of course I'll do it mate, it'll be an honour”.
No I'm joking – I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured best man tradition I will now give mark the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. Which to be fair is only what he gives Emma, everytime they go to bed.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Emma and Mark that if there is anything a little risqué, I'll whip it out immediately..…

Now I know it's customary for the best man to take this opportunity to prove to you all that Mark is not exactly the sharpest knife in the draw but I'm not going to………(PAUSE)……..as it would just be poking fun at Mark's expense and ………(PAUSE)……..and to be honest, we've all been doing that for years anyway.

I have however got a small collection of stories that I'm not going to mention right now,………….… such as:
The diesel incident. As some of you may or may not know, mark has quite a nice car. It's an Audi. Very modern and technically advanced. Unfortunately, not quite technically advanced enough to be owned by Mark as it's not able to run on 2 types of fuel. You see his car runs on Diesel. (That's DIESEL Mark, DIESEL). One fine morning after a quiet night out with the lads, Mark goes to fill up the tank and,…………….you've guessed it……………..fills right up with unleaded.
Mark and his Hanky fetish. Mark, me and the lads have rallied round for a special gift for you from us. The question we had to answer was, “what do you give the man who has everything?” Well we found the answer. I hereby take great pleasure in presenting you with a brand new set of snot rags, I mean Hankys. Perhaps now you can finally dispose of the current ones before they decide to leave of their own accord. Try as we have, none of us have managed to persuede you to try and give up this nasty habit so if you can't beat'em…….…
DIY – Destroy it yourself. Mark it would appear is a very competent DIY “enthusiast”. Example: Hard work eh?……………I could watch it for hours. I must admit, mark has got the best approach to DIY, “Bodge it, then get someone to fix it”. I remember popping round one day and finding Mark and his dad Chris, stood around in the front porch scratching their heads. It turned out that Mark had tried to fix the non-functioning doorbell and caused the downstairs lights to short out. It's still a mystery to this day how this was possible as the two were in no way connected to each other. Mind you, I once asked Mark to name 2 uses for a hammer and his reply was “Knocking in nails….and ……Knocking in screws!!!” Perhaps it's best that he doesn't do too much in the way of home improvements.
Marks wallet. If you're like me (and the rest of his mates for that matter) you very rarely see Mark and his wallet together. Well actually what I'm trying to say is that Marks wallet is never seen in public. Ok, what I'm really trying to say is how tight mark is. This means that when you get the opportunity to view the sacred item you have to make the most of it. I did get the chance a little while ago and boy was it good. Now what would you expect to find in a gentleman's wallet? Receipts, cash, credit cards, picture of girlfriend. I'll tell you what I found. Reiceipts, hundreds of receipts. Some of which pre-dated his hanky collection. Ok, I also found a small amount of cash, mostly £1 notes mind, and a few items of plastic, though they didn't look like they'd seen much use. And I also found a couple of photos. Emma, you're thinking………………wrong. 1 photo was of Marks mum, Sally, and the other was of Tiger, One of Marks old cats. Not a single picture of Emma. Shocked, I nearly fell over

Now, also in my list here is one particularly good story about Emma, which I'm also not going to mention:
A little while ago, Emma went into hospital to get a bunion done on her foot. After the operation, much to Emma's surprise, she discovered that they had operated on both of her feet, leaving her upto her knees in plaster cast, and wheelchair bound. On one particular day, Lucy pushed her up the road to the nearby garage and left her there for a while. Unfortunately, rapidly trying to escape the mechanics, Emma bumped down a kerb and fell out. I then took some 5 minutes to get her back in again, much to the amusement of the mechanics.
I've also had a request to change the first dance of the evening. It will now be “Lily the pink” by unknown. Ask Emma for details later.
Before I finish, I'd like to if I may, pass on a few words of wisdom. Please feel free to join in if you know the words:
Never go to bed angry……………………..Always stay up and fight.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
And finally number 3, in a woman's dictionary, the word “argument” is defined as:
“ A discussion that occurs when the wife is correct but the husband just hasn't realised it yet”.

Anyway, just before we arrived I was given a few messages to read out from all those that, a promise of free food and booze couldn't be convinced to leave their sofa and TV this afternoon:

Mark, your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me throughout my career, all the best, H from steps.

Toasts.
So, enough rambling, it's time to wrap this up with a traditional toast for a couple of people who we have all taken into our hearts…………(PAUSE)……………….Who mean so much to us and without whom this day would not have been the success that it has been, so……….Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to………(PAUSE)…..”THE BAR STAFF”.

Seriously though, on behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, and I'd like to thank Emma and Mark personally for choosing me as best man today. It's been an honour so before I start crying,..…
It gives me great pleasure, ……not to mention relief……..to invite you all to charge your glasses, be upstanding, and join me in a toast……………..To the Bride and Groom.…