Speech by Dave Lucy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Lucy
Speech Date: 03/09/2012 00:17:16

Good afternoon. I'm glad to see that everyone is having such a good time. For those of you who don't know me, my name is David and I am Michael's best man.

Michael was Best Man at my wedding, which was 4 years ago tomorrow in fact, and as you can see he has seized on this opportunity to get his own back.

I want to reassure you that even though it took me the best part of 6 months to prepare these remarks – it will take me less than 6 minutes to stumble through them. 

Before I start, let me just say that I've known Michael for the best part of twenty years, having started school together at the age of eleven. With those formative years in the company of the groom in mind, I should clarify that this means that Michael has had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, it is only right to blame Michael if it's not.

Whilst doing some research for my speech I was finding two themes. The first suggested singing the grooms praises and tell you all about his good points, however…..… I can't sing and I definitely won't lie. The second saying it is traditional at to extol the virtues of the bride and then introduce her to the less palatable facts of her new husband's history, which seemed like a much better alternative.

The fact that so many of you have come here today and some of you travelled such distances to be here is a tribute to Mike and Jessie. They make an absolutely wonderful couple and I'm delighted that things have gone so well for them today. On a personal note this wedding has given me the opportunity to meet many of Michael and Jessie's relatives for the first time, which is great.  Prior to taking the trip over the water Mike was telling me all about you all and despite what he says, I think you're all really nice people.

So before I enlighten you on Mike's truly disgraceful past, I would like to mention a few people. Firstly – the Bridesmaids. I am sure you will all agree when I say that the bridesmaids look absolutely lovely today. They have all done themselves extremely proud today.

So before I go on any further, I think we should make a small toast.

To the beautiful bridesmaids.

(Pause)

They have however been outshone by somebody else here tonight.

Sorry ladies

No Mike it's not you.

They have of course been outshone by Mike's beautiful bride, Jess. I sadly did not have the chance to meet Jess until a few days ago, but Jess it has been wonderful to meet you and it is great seeing you both together. It is clear how happy you both are and it really is wonderful to see.

It might not be the manliest thing to say and I have never had the chance to say it until now, but it is sad the day you lose your best mate, as he moves to another country.

Today, however, makes up for that, as it has been a fantastic day seeing my best mate getting married and to see him so happy.

Despite having never met Jess in person, I did manage to receive some written guidelines from the bride-to-be, a few weeks ago. I would like to read you a letter that Jess sent to me prior to today.  [GET LETTER OUT OF POCKET] Dave,  I was very pleased when Michael asked you to be best man at our wedding. I instantly knew he made the right decision. I have not known you for very long however I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent, better looking than you to fulfil this crucial role on our big day. As we get close to the wedding, most tasks have been taken care of but there are two areas that cause me a little concern……Your speech and your conduct. I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes fun at Michael, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day. With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we will all have a wonderful day: Do not get drunk do not use bad language do not tell dirty jokes  do not sing do not let Michael sing do not mention Michaels “little problem” do not let Michael drink large vodkas and red bull do not let Michael drink Gin  In fact, do not let Michael drink Finally, make sure you keep your clothes on, and make sure Michael keeps his on too  love, Jessie.

So bearing those in mind……

Having known Mike for all this time, of course there are plenty of things I could tell you about what we got up to in our younger days. Unfortunately, I did consult my lawyer and he tells me that we could still face prosecution, so maybe I'll keep things to a minimum… and talk only about Mike's positive attributes, which are of courses limited.

So, in time honoured tradition I will attempt to give Michael the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. The most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Jessie's life I am told will come later..… courtesy of Mike of course.

When Michael told me that Jess had accepted his proposal of marriage, I was shocked, as I had been led to believe she was quite intelligent. But here they are, married, for better or for worse – Mike certainly couldn't have done any better and Jess definitely couldn't have done much worse.

Last night I was talking to him about what he wanted from his marriage, and he said to me: ‘Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.’ And he added, with a large grin, that he also wanted to be a model lover. Being the naive chap that I am, I looked up ‘model’ in the Oxford English dictionary, and found it to be ‘a small, miniature replica of the real thing’. Figures!

Mike has always been a bit of a character, as many of you will know, which is always enhanced by a drop or two of alcohol. His generous nature has always been a focal point, such as donating his body to science….which he did by preserving his body in alcohol for the entire time he spent at University.

Despite this addiction to alcohol, it has always been a pleasure to be Michael's friend. He has always been an honourable person with very good morals. He is absolutely not the sort of man, for example, to have ever got off his head and spilled his heart out and a full history of what he got up to in his earlier life to his own mother. He is not the sort of man who would remove hub caps from a hard working second hand car salesman's vehicles and play Frisbee with them during a night out on the town. He was definitely never the sort of person who would be sick and spit up the resulting flem in the back of your best friend's dads shiny new London black taxi after being picked up from a night out.

Mike and I went to respectable Catholic School in a place called Dagenham in the South East of England which could be compared to certain parts of Chicago. It is probably most akin to parts of the west side such as K-Town and Austin. Michael was not going let this stop him succeeding in life and we both successfully progressed to College. This was however was not enough for Mr Rogers, he was better than that. He wanted to achieve something that no other schoolboy from Dagenham had ever achieved. He was the first to reach this accolade. Yes, on 13 March 1996 he made it, he became a made man. Mike got himself a job in McDonalds.

So it must be fate that Mike now finds himself living and working here in Chicago near the home of McDonalds just down the road in Oak Brook. So be careful Jess you can take the boy out of Dagenham but he will always have a soft spot for Mcdonalds. Maybe that was the plan all along, only Mike can tell us that.

Had, however, Mcdonalds know the real Mike Rogers and what he got up to as an employee they might not be so keen to take him back.  Myself and Ian another friend from school, who is also here today, would attend Mcdonalds promptly at 12.30pm, every Tuesday and Thursday with 2 of our finest English pounds. Approach Michael's till. Purchase an extra value meal. Michael who gives us our drink and say “I'm very sorry sir, your food is not ready, can I bring it over to your table?” “O.K” we would say, sit down, and about 10 minutes later Mr Rogers would appear at our table with about £10 worth of McDonalds for each of us.

[**This was all well and good until everyone else in the school got wind of this and began going to McDonalds at 12.30pm every Tuesday and Thursday…..all of them only queuing at Mike's till.**]

So, on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, I would like to thank Jessie and Michael for giving us the opportunity to be involved in their unique and special day. I know they have both put tremendous effort into the planning of this wedding, and, can only hope, that apart from this speech, everything has exceeded their expectations.

It is a great honour to be best man here today and be a part of Jess and Mike's special day. So, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand.  Thank you all for choosing to listen but now I would like you to raise your glasses in a toast.  

To Mike and Jess in their love, laughter, and happy ever after.