Speech by Dave Schofield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Schofield
Speech Date: Jun2006
Afternoon Ladies & Gentleman,for those who don't know me,my names Dave , and I'm the best man. I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat; if i go on too long,Lesley's threatened to cut it.… Don't worry,the jokes get better,but if any of you feel the urge to throw tomatoes at me could you please make sure that you've taken them out of the tin first……
They say that being best man is a lot like making love to the Queen; it's a great honour,but nobody really wants to do it……..Well,I'm different,I've actually been looking forward to it……But the Queen's at Balmoral this weekend, so here i am….…
Having been made best man,I thought,ok ,better get it right,so i got something called the"Best mans checklist",which only got me more confused.
1) "Help the Groom dress"…if he doesnt know now,he never will
2) "Ensure the Groom:.Goes to the toilet"…sorry,you've got to draw the line somewhere.…
"his shoes are tied"
"his face & hair are in order"…If God can't do it,what chance have I got?
"There is nothing between his teeth"…Or should that say ears…
and "his flies are done up"…think his mum should have been best man.…
3)" See that angry ex girlfriends are kept at bay"….I'd have thought they'd be far from angry…probably out celebrating somewhere.…
4)"The key to a succesful wedding is to find a best man who is resourceful,energetic,& diplomatic. One who will not offend or cause problems"…….Well,as you can see,Paul is an appalling judge of character,which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character…..…
I first met Paul in 1984,so,as you can imagine,we've pulled a lot of stunts together,been in a few scrapes,and I know Paul has been worried at what I might say.In fact,during the meal,Paul handed me this note,written on a napkin,,I've not had chance to read it yet,I'll read it now shall I? It says; "whatever you do,dont mention those 2 birds from Hattersley……So I won't..…
However,I do owe Paul a lot.He was the first one to show me the art of attracting the opposite sex; Needless to say,my teenage years were lonely ones…
But seriously,though,Paul,Your'e a lucky groom.I'm sure everone will agree that Lesley is warm,bright,resourceful,and attractive, and she deserves a good Husband.So,thank God you got in there before she found one!.…
Joking aside,I don't think I've ever met 2 people who were obviously made for each other.I'm sure you'll both have a long & Happy life together. Ladies & gentlemen,please raise Your glasses to, the Best Mate a bloke could have,and his stunning new wife…..the Bride & Groom.