Speech by David A Barnes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David A Barnes
Speech Date: Jun2007
Bride and Bridegroom, family and friends

Far too thin, Argumentative, and knows nothing about beds……………….but as this speech is not about Jacqui I'll start again

Far too thin, Argumentative, and knows nothing about beds…………….…

Oh that's funny seems I said that before

I first met Andy when he was the bed buyer for ****. His boss David called me and asked if I would accompany Andy to Malaysia and Vietnam and introduce him to some suppliers in the Far East.

We made an unlikely pair…him looking like a 1 iron with ears and me a big fat Scotsman with a body like a condom full of conkers. But it has been said of Andy what he lacks in size he makes up in quickness, although unfortunately it's Jacqui who said it

But Andy and I became firm friends and wandered the world for some years looking at beds in every shape and colour. I was immediately impressed by Andy's knowledge. When one supplier showed Andy a lovely walnut bed Andy asked.” That's very nice, but tell me …how do you get such a lovely finish from all these crinkly little walnuts”….His intelligence is legendary. Once during a long wait for a flight Andy was amusing himself with a jigsaw ?4 hours,14 hours he starts shouting”.

“What is 14 hours Andy” I asked

“Its only taken me 14 hours to do the jigsaw”

“Is that good?” I asked

“Brilliant” said he. “It says 3-5 years on the box”

Another time we had just arrived in China and after checking in we were sitting having a drink in the bar when Andy sees the absolutely beautiful Chinese girl. She is clearly impressed by Andy too and smiles over at him. In no time Andy is over at her table trying to chat her up.She cant speak a word of English but undeterred Andy produces a wee notebook from his pocket and draws a picture of a wine bottle and two glasses. She understands, and nods and soon they are sharing a bottle of wine. A short while later Andy produces the notebook again and draws a picture of knives and forks. Again she smiles and nods and so off the two of them go to dinner. After dinner Andy once again gets out the notebook and draws a picture of two people dancing and a violin so the two of the go off to a local dance club. At the end of the evening the Chinese girl points at Andys notebook so he gives it to her and she draws a picture of a four poster bed. Andy is dumbfounded. To this day he cannot work out how she knew he was a bed buyer.

Yes Andy taught me a lot…such as “How to roll your own cigarettes” ,” How to sing in B Flat Minor, and how to pass some cheap pieces of foam off as 㾻00 a time wonder cures for bad backs.”

I love his selling technique, I watched him once in **** demonstrating a mattress. As the woman bent down to touch the foam she inadvertently let out a little fart. Clearly embarrassed and hoping we hadn't heard she asked Andy. “It's very nice. How much is it”

Andy replied with a straight face “Madam if you farted just touching it you'll shit yourself when you hear the price”

So thanks then David for introducing me to Andy. It's nice to see you again…..Big fella isn't he. You know he can trace his lineage back to royalty….King Kong…

Still he's not a bad lad.. Anybody totally obsessed with fast cars and wizards is ok in my book. He's got a big heart too. Roman Abromovich is not the only man chucking vast amounts of money at an outfit in Chelsea trying to make it no 1.

And there's Peter, looking debonair as usual..hows about that haircut…The last time I saw anything like that it was on the salesman who sold me my Morris Marina. Now he's the opposite of David. Whereas David is 6? plus. Peter is only 3′ tall…he must be … because people at *** tell me he goes around sticking his nose in everybody's business

Also here from **** is Malcolm, another old friend of mine. When we first met I think he wanted to put my lights out as I was making fun of his fear of flying. That's a joke…..… Have you ever heard of a Vampire that has a fear of flying…Yep..you only have to look at that pale face to know he's a creature of the night….Drinking in bars in the Far East with Malcolm I knew I was in trouble when he started ordering blood lights. I was told that as a young man he always asked his girlfriends to take a blood test…he wanted to make sure they were his type.Malcolm is also very interested in local culture. When asked what the most interesting thing architecturally he saw in China was Malcolm replied “The McDonalds sign”. Yes you're a real pain in the neck Malcolm

Those that were there in Jakarta will recall the glee I felt as he inadvertently momentarily released his vice like grip on my arm at 5.00 am and allowed me to run from the bar screaming “I'm free, I'm free” and that IS true.

Malcolm also suffers from the same illness that many of us men have …..that we are irresistible to woman.

I too had that disease hard as it is to believe but a life changing moment cured me

This is another true story

Not too long ago I was on a tube train in London standing in a crowded carriage holding on to the hand rail when I looked down and saw one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen sitting down near me. As I tried hard not to show that I was busy imagining her without her clothes on and surreptitiously glancing at her my heart pounded when she looked up at me and flashed a glorious smile.I looked away and thought OK I am handsome,slim and well dressed so who can blame her and then a bit of reality crept in and I looked back at her again in case I was dreaming. She looked up at me and smiled again and my mouth went dry and and my heart rate quadrupled. I am a happy married man I thought as visions of a passionate embrace in a crowded tube flashed before me so I looked away. But vanity got the better of me so I turned and looked again and this time she stood up smiling and walked towards me.”oh my g-d I thought she is going to try to pull me”. She walked up to me flashed that glorious smile again and said “Sir, would you like my seat?”

This is probably the biggest reality check I ever had in my entire life

Andy has joined ***** as MD and I've watched with great admiration as he has set about transforming the business. I asked him soon after he joined what he was doing to change things and he told me he had done a deal to join up with Tampax. “Why” I asked…Andy replied they were the ideal choice as the company was going through a very bad period.

So here we are friends all gathered to celebrate this marriage between two very driven and committed people. When Andy asked Jacqui if she wanted to do the business sex was not what he originally meant and soon Andy and Jacqui were a powerful buyer and supplier combination.

So its second time round for both of them….how optimistic is that…..you'd think they'd learned their lesson but no…got to hand it to them..

And now they are entering the three ring circus. Previously we had the engagement ring, then today the wedding ring and tomorrow starts the suffering.

Yep…here we go…in fact I have bad news for you Andy…I just saw Jacqui ask the waiter for a couple of Aspirins

Soon all the rules and regulations will be trotted out

As for me, my wife Jillian and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary yesterday. Yep…my wife and I have been happy for 30 years…and then we met. I remember as if it were yesterday when I asked her father if I could marry his daughter…..”Hmmm” he replied, “can you take care of a family”.

“No sir” I replied, “I'll take care of your daughter, but the rest of you will have to look after yourselves”

She looks great for her years….somebody asked her recently how she kept her youth…..in the cupboard she replied.…

I personally wouldn't bother getting married again. I would cut out all the middle men. I would just go out, find a woman I didn't like and give her a house.

And what has 25 years of marriage taught me… and what advice can I pass on to the newly weds..

Well I guess the same goes for most who have been married as long as I have.

A marriage has is part Good,part Bad and part downright ugly.

What do I mean by that?

Well let me give you one or two examples

Good: Youre wife is expecting

Bad:Its triplets

Ugly:You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good:Youre son is finally maturing

Bad:Hes involved with the married woman next door

Ugly:So are you

Good:Your son spend a lot of time studying in his room

Bad:You find several porn movies hidden under his bed

Ugly:Youre in them

Good:You give a birds and bees talk to you daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly:With corrections

25 years of marriage has convinced me that men know nothing about the way woman think

I have a list here entitled HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine her and dine her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

I have another list here HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Its only got one entry

Turn up naked, with a carry out

The truth is that the thinnest book in the world is called what men know about women

Start preparing now for the worlds hardest questions

What are you thinking?

Do you love me?

Do I look fat?

Do you think she is prettier than me?

What would you do if I died?

The problem is that any one of these questions can explode into a major argument if not handled properly

The proper response to the question what are you thinking is

“I'm sorry if I've been pensive dear, I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have you.

And be warned Andy, when Jacqui told you she was a good housekeeper what she meant was if you ever break up she keeps the house

In fact Andy instead of getting married maybe you should have considered getting a dog

I think dogs are great …in fact I think I prefer dogs to woman

I mean for example

Dogs think you are a great singer and may even join in

The later you are the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs get excited by rough play

Dogs don't care about the other dogs you've had

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk

Dogs love long car trips

Dogs prefer hamburgers to lobster

A dog's nature stays the same all month long

Dogs like it when you leave things lying on the floor

Dogs forgive you for playing around with other dogs

And what about Jacqui

Known to her friends and admirers as “Miss Goody 2,000 shoes”

Jacqui is a delight, a one off, at once bright and batty, quick and yet laid back, not one to suffer fools yet married Andy.

Although managing a vibrant business she has now taken on the role of wife and babysitter.

She bought Andy a Harley Davidson for a wedding present and as I too am a biker it has given me great pleasure to see the excitement on Andys face and I know the fun he will have on it.

Lots of Bikers are pretty committed to the lifestyle and walk around dressed in fringed leathers from head to toe to advertise the fact that they're cool dudes

A biking pal of mine was in a bar dressed in all his kit when a pretty girl started a conversation with him.

“Are you a real biker?” she asked

“Yes I am” he replied.I think about Harleys all the time.When my mother was pregnant with me she still rode her Harley. There was a baby cot on my dads Harley for me and I have been riding Harleys almost since I could walk so I suppose you would call me a real biker”

“Well” she said” I am a Lesbian. I think about woman and making love to them all day long. I think about woman at home, at work and even when I'm sleeping and that's what makes me a real Lesbian” and at that she gets up and leaves.

Shortly after a man comes over to my pal and says “that's a nice Harley Jacket you're wearing, are you a real biker?”

“ I used to think so” my friend replied “but I've just found out I'm a lesbian”

Anyway here we are and too late to do anything about it so it only remains for me to say to Andy and Jacqui YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED and to ask the assembled guests to be upstanding and to toast the happy couple