Speech by David Beattie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Beattie
Speech Date: Feb2005
Thank you Chris..…
FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was pretty scared about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things I was supposed to say as best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of, remembering not to drop the wedding ring in the pond and getting the handcuffs off the groom at the bucks night there was the duty to spend five minutes at the reception demolishing Kieran's character.
Now having never done this before, I really didn't know how long my speech should last,
I was told that it should last about as long as it takes the groom to make love, so..…
(hand gesture) It looks like I'm done.
Thank you and good night.

No, I'm only joking, we all know it wouldn't actually take Kieran that long.

Now there are a lot of happy smiling faces around today, but none as happy as the two people to my left. They say marriages are made in heaven – well, this one was made in a supermarket, Jewel Kings Langley, may it rest in peace.

Now I remember one day Kieran telling me about the day that he met Devina. There he was packing Weet Bix in the cereal aisle and Devina packing Sultana Bran. As they both worked their way through the aisle, they each reached out for the last box of Rice Bubbles and their hands touched, Snap, Crackle and Pop! …… It was love…..… And you could say that everyday since then has been Just Right!

Now, they were quite a shy couple back then, so their first date was actually a double date, Kieran took with him his safety blanket, Chris and Devina brought along hers, Tanya. The stage for our young lovebirds was set at Australia's Wonderland… may it rest in peace. Things went well, so they organized a second date, but this time Kieran conveniently forgot to invite Chris and it just so happened to slip Devina's mind to bring Tanya along. So at last they were alone. It was Beautiful, It must have went well or we all wouldn't be gathered her today.
Many of you will be aware that Kieran and Devina have already purchased their first house together. A very nice house, however, they have decided to make some improvements. Now instead of getting a contractor, Kieran thought he would tackle these improvements himself. And anyone would know that Kieran isn't exactly a DIY kind of guy, but Devina has been helping and they both assure me that to get it done they have been banging and screwing at every opportunity.
To be honest I was actually feeling very nervous about giving this speech, so I had to prepare a few lines earlier – and after snorting them I'm feeling pretty good right now…Sorry Officers.

Now Kieran COULD be described as charming, intelligent, and entertaining.…
And perhaps one day he will be!

Kieran truly is a lucky man today marrying Devina, she is a wonderful girl who deserves a good husband … so I think Kieran has done a fantastic job at marrying her before she had a chance to find one.

I've tried to suppress most of my child hood memories of Kieran, my Psychiatrist tells me that I'm coming along really well, but one that I can remember ,
(In Irish accent) I first met Kieron about Tirteen years ago, and his accent was abit thick, so much so that for the first 5 years we couldn't understand a single word he said, he'd speak, we'd nod and smile politely, he'd repeat what he said, we'd nod and smile politely, he'd curse at us, we'd nod, and smile politely. I guess that's the reason why we've been able to stay friends for so long. As we got older that changed a bit, only after a few beers it was me that became uncomprehens, uncomprehens-ib-le.

I must say that it is a great honour to be best man for this occasion, I actually went to a wedding two weeks ago that was held in a nudist colony. Apparently I was Best Man there by about 3 inches.

Kieran is a very passionate person, whether it is in his work, or on the soccer field. I remember this one time a guy started swinging and scratching at Kieran and before the referee had a chance to look over Kieran had replied with a swift head butt. When the referee did turn around Kieran was there saying “What Ref? This guy just started swinging and then just fell down.” The ref then sent off the guy on the ground. Only Kieran can do these things and manage not to get sent off. I suppose it shows he is a good negotiator, so look out Devina, when its time to do some cleaning he will be very passionate about what he does.

He is also a very strong person, I remember one time the Honda Civic we had broke down out the front of his house at Glendenning, we spent hours trying to fix the spark plug or clean the points thinking it was something mechanical, until Kieran's Dad came home and asked us if it had any petrol in it…Hey, I thought it was half full, it turned out I was looking at the temperature gage. Anyway, we both ended up pushing it about a kilometre up a hill to the service station, actually I was inside steering and Kieran did all the pushing. But that's the kind of friend he is.

I think of Kieran as one of my best mates. Over the 15 years or so that I have known him, he has always been there for me. Whether it be a place to stay, money to borrow, a lift somewhere or even some friendly advice on things such as fashion, girls, how to play soccer, the best way to avoid parking tickets, just to name a few. He has never let me down. But it's not just me that Kieran is kind to, there's everyone in our group, his family, work mates and most importantly, Devina. I've known Devina for a while now and I believe she has the same traits as Kieran, kind, loving and their door is always open to their friends. I can't think of any couple better suited for each other.

To finish off for Devina I have the following advice – men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes, and it's your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

On the other hand Kieran, women are also like fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind.
Then they turn full bodied, until they go sour and just give you a headache.

Ladies and Gentlemen would you please join me in a toast to Kieran and Devina, may the future bring you all the happiness you so truly deserve. Kieran and Devina.