Speech by David Bradshaw

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Bradshaw
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Calista

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dave, one of Steve's closest friends for perhaps longer than I care to remember. I am sure you will agree that this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration so far. Unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud and so here I am. I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for being here to share in their special day, although personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my day less nerve wracking.

I must of course congratulate the happy couple…not so much on getting hitched, but for choosing to have their wedding in the football close season. I find there's nothing worse than trying to keep up with the footy results during the course of the proceedings; I find a wedding can be such a distraction. Such a hard decision – best mates wedding – Walsall home game…too close to call!

Today's ceremony was of course a very moving and emotional affair – I was filling up myself – even the cake was in tiers. When the rings were exchanged I thought at that moment, there are in fact three rings in every marriage: the engagement ring, of course the wedding ring, then there's the suffering. Can't help thinking that this is a bit of a drastic measure in order to get a set of new towels and a toaster Steve, but you were never one to miss a trick.

I have to say that Calista looks absolutely wonderful today, absolutely stunning. Although Steve has always said that she'd look great in a bin bag so you needn't really have gone to all the trouble. And don't the kids look great today too, it must be a very exciting day for them. Although it's typical of Steve that he can never do anything in the right order, it's meant to be the wedding first mate, then the kids – talk about putting the cart before the horse.

Apparently it was a tough decision for Steve deciding on who should be his best man. I hear he drew up a shortlist, with a long and rigorous selection process. Apparently he worked through the shortlist, and then in desperation his attention focussed on me. I remember when Steve asked me to be his best man. At first I said no, then he offered me £20 and I said, “I'm not a man who can be bought.” Then he offered me £50, so, well – here I am. My decision was slightly influenced by the fact that Steve had told me that traditionally the best man gets to have the pick of the bridesmaids. It wasn't until I got here today that I discovered there were no bridesmaids, so cheers for that Steve.

Well there are many duties and responsibilities associated with being the best man, and they begin long before standing here terrified before you. In fact, let me tell you, Steve has probably got one of the easiest jobs of the day in comparison.

For a start off there is organising the stag night. For any of you that know me, you will know that this would be a very quiet and sober affair (at least it was for Steve). In fact we both partook of a small sherry straight after Mass and Steve was home by 9pm with a mug of hot milk. Quite how he found his way semi-naked and covered in lipstick on the 2.30am train to Edinburgh is a mystery to us all. In all seriousness, I have to confess that the first version of events is closer to the mark, at least it was for Steve. It must be one of the few stag nights where the groom leaves the rest of the party to continue with the night's frivolities. The problems we had getting Steve's Dad out of that lap-dancing club were something else. Anyway, let's just say that I hope Steve is better in the bedroom department than he is on a ten-pin bowling alley.

I have also had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and smart, well 2 out of 3 isn't too bad. After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the best man – not a magician. Actually Steve hasn't scrubbed up too badly has he? Although, I wasn't too pleased to turn up and find he'd copied my outfit – obviously couldn't handle the competition.

On that note, I remember being measured up for the outfits. I don't think Steve was too happy when it turned out that I was bigger than him in every department. Unfortunately that also meant my waist, but you can't have everything.

Everybody here knows Steve in a different way. He's a father, a loving son, a lover, a friend, a confidante – an all round pain in the arse. I have also known many actually compare him to God, they note that he's rarely seen, is holier than thou and if he does any work it's a miracle.

Steve and I actually go back a long way. I remember meeting him when we were doing our best to stop one of the local hunts. Now we are out in the sticks, it's probably best to keep that quiet. At the time he was your archetypal crusty! He had the dreadlocks, the ripped jeans, smelling of patchouli – a great source of pride to his mom and dad!

Nobody could ever question Steve's sincerity and generosity. He is always willing to share whatever he has. In fact that makes me think of when the pair of us were staying in a rough squat in London – we've been to all the good places – to say that this squat wasn't the most salubrious of places would be a bit of an understatement. To cut a long story short, Steve and I came back with one or two unwanted guests about our persons. Anyway, as an example of just how generous Steve actually is, it turned out that we had both unwittingly bought back our own colony of scabies – not something you'd generally shout from the roof tops I know – but don't worry we are rid of them now – well I am at any rate. Now this particular parasite is passed on by close bodily contact, and Steve being the generous kind of guy that he is proceeded in starting his own minor epidemic in Birmingham. And to think he has often had the nerve to call me a salty old sea dog. As I say, I believe Steve is now rid of his unwelcome guest
I have to say that I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be happily married, then again, nor do most husbands here. I will however attempt to offer you a couple of words of advice Steve. Firstly, always be a good lad and avoid arguments, because you'll be in dead trouble if you win. And secondly, always learn to apologise when Calista says you are in the wrong, this is probably the only chance you'll ever get of having the last word.

You'll no doubt be glad to know that I'm coming to a close soon. This is because of my throat – Calista has threatened to cut it if I go on too long.

So it remains for me to say that I truly believe that Steve and Calsita were a match made in heaven. It has been an honour being Steve's best man and I would like to wish them a very long, successful and happy marriage, in this the next chapter of their lives. So ladies and gentlemen I am sure you would all like to join me, please be upstanding and raise your glasses. Join me in a toast to Steve and Calista – the bride and groom