Speech by David Bunting

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Bunting
Speech Date: mar 2003

Best Man Speech for Wedding of

Kirsty Dyde & Martin Pitts.
In Cirencester, Glos
On 25 October 2003.

Best Man: Dave Bunting

Now, I asked around for an idea of how long my speech should last and the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love. So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit) (get back up)

My main duty today is to give you all an introduction to the groom, relating tales about his crazy adventures as a young man, his run-ins with the police, the marathon sessions in the pub and his string of meaningless flings.

I am sorry to disappoint you, ladies and Gentlemen, but I won't be talking about Ted's serious drinks problem. I only picked him up from the clinic recently and his therapist specifically asked me not to recount the numerous drinking stories. She said with all this alcohol about it might just tip him over the edge. So instead you will have to make do with a rather potted history on our Golden Boy.

I have been a best man before, 20 years ago in fact, but I thought that the simplest way to put a speech together this time was to get one from the Internet; I looked at hundreds of ready-made speeches only to discover that 95% of them always start with the same joke. That being best man is like making love to Cherie Blair .… it's a great honour – but nobody wants to do it – so I thought I wouldn't use that one.

In preparing this speech, Ted made it clear that he didn't want me just to focus on silly or embarrassing stories alone. In fact, I think he has the mistaken idea that his life may actually be of interest to other people in itself. So before I move on to those stories, a little bit of biographical background on the life and times of Ted Pitts: Ted Pitts was born, he then went to school, after which he got a job, and he's now just got married. Right, on to those stories.

In fact I don't know why Ted chose me as best man at all, because I know just about all the dirt there is on him. Then Kirsty explained to me that if I mention anything about ex boyfriends or girlfriends – I would be in big trouble. This has restricted my material somewhat – So I won't mention Henry, Rupert or Kevin or she'll kill me. She also said if I mentioned anything about the sunbeds, facials, body wraps, the new tattoo on her bum or her courses on Microwave cooking she wouldn't be too happy either – so I won't.

In the run-up to today, Ted and Kirsty had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide whom to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there, thank you to Loraine & Andy for the oven glove.

I thought the service went very well too. I obviously was at the front of the ceremony and I thought the registrar did a fantastic job. I had time to look around during what was an extremely poignant moment. I could see that it had actually got to a few people at the front of the hall and it was lovely to see. I noticed Rose was welling up and that Kirstys mum certainly had a sniffle. In fact it was so emotional, even the cake was in tears!

For those of you who weren't aware, Ted proposed in March 2003. Imagine the setting, he's flown Kirsty to Paris, they're staying in a 5 star hotel, they get ‘dolled up’, go for a candlelit dinner, they have some expensive wine, they stroll hand in hand to a romantic park in the centre of Paris. It's a beautiful night, the stars are out, and Ted's heart is pumping faster than ever before. He finds the ideal spot to say those magical words that will see them live a lifetime together. He takes Kristy's hand, he stares her in the eye, he puts on his most sultry voice and asks Kirsty to sit on this large rock, where Kirsty says those immortal words "…..For Christ sake Ted, I can't sit there, I'll get piles…."

Kirsty had a profound effect on Ted within weeks of meeting him in 1987. In fact, it was after just one month that she summed up his bachelor lifestyle in one word – ‘over’. And I also understand Kristy's cooking exploits are legendary. Apparently ….… She uses the smoke alarm as the timer.—I don't know how she did it but last time she cooked a meal, she burnt the tin opener.—

Talking of food, which, as you know, is Ted's favourite pastime, he told me in confidence last night that he has ordered for his wedding breakfast, eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, mushrooms, chips, beans and a tankard of tea. For Kirsty, he has ordered a lettuce leaf and a carrot. I asked him, won't the service lady query the order. Ted replied, well, I should just explain that I want to see if Kirsty eats like a rabbit as well!

Ted, after much consternation, decide to make a trip to Bournemouth for his Stag Weekend. (Although he might have well decided to go to Lapland instead, allegedly!!). Apparently, a good time was had by the 5 drunks that went. I was unfortunately otherwise engaged! "Steady" has been used to describe the weekend's activities. However, a trip where the participants spend both nights in a seedy, sordid, squalid club, called The G Spot sat around a bar watching nubile, scantily dressed young girls dance in front of them can hardly be described as “steady”. I suppose the one feature that does ring true is that our hero managed to fall asleep in the club both nights ……! According to the lads at the club, apparently the only person ever to do so. Seen it all before I suppose?

I suppose our paths first crossed in April 1965, at his sisters 5th Birthday party in Watermoor Road. I don't remember much about the party except Linda Noades white socks. When the lights were turned off, like they were in those innocent days, the only things visible were those white socks and Ted spent all evening trying to find them.

We shared many memories and reminiscences together as we grew up. Watermoor & Corinium Rovers, Napoleonic Wargamming, (when Ted, and his Lackey Coatsey, were the British and ganged up on me who was the French. Good job I had the Napoleonic Band at my disposal). We went through phases of Totoploy, Risk, Subbuteo, Motor Scooters, The Swiggers, I could go on for hours, before we realised there were other distractions ..… mainly Jocks Cider, FC Wessex and women ….! The rest as they say, is history.

Joking aside, Ted is a very special person to me. He is a true friend who never ceases to amaze me with his kindness and generosity. He has listened to me through many a crisis. He gives without any thought of reward. He is a super guy and a role model of a Friend. And yes, we've had our differences. There have been times when Ted would call me “Big ears”, and I would call him “Smelly”. We would both run home crying. Sure enough, the next day, Ted would e-mail me at work and we would make up.

Ted and I have been true friends for years. But ‘friend’ is so commonly used, that the other day I really tried to pin-down what's properly meant by it. Turning to the dictionary, a friend is defined as someone whom you are attached to through affection and esteem, who is a favoured companion, a supporter and an ally, and well-rounded and solid. After checking I hadn't looked up the word ‘penis’ by mistake, I concluded that Ted was indeed a true friend. But to be fair, he's also a bit of a knob as well.

So what else do we know about Ted? He has been one of the mates you keep through thick & thin no matter how your lives change. As I said, I've known Ted since we were small children and believe me ladies and gentleman, he wasn't always been the swarthy, brown eyed fitness freak Adonis we see here today. Apparently when he was born he was so ugly, the midwife slapped his parents….…

I have read some usefully tips about marriage on the Internet and I would like to share them with you.

Never go to bed on an argument….Always stay up and argue.

Always remember the three little words…"You're right dear".

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

It is important to get on with your mother in law. My friend hasn't spoken to his for two years. Not because he doesn't like her… he just doesn't like to interrupt.

Telegrams!

And this one's just to Ted: ‘From all the staff at The Golden Triangle [clear throat and make speech marks in the air] "Sauna", we hope you have a great day. P.S We have now received payment for renewal of your Executive-Gold membership, and look forward to seeing you again soon.’ Oh sorry, that last bit was marked confidential.

To Ted: ‘One of our best customers, good luck and congratulations. Disappointed that Kirsty turned down our quote for the catering, but at least now you're married you can have the chilli sauce next time you're in.’ And that's from Ahmed at the Crickladesl Kebab House.

To Kirsty: ‘Now don't you forget if there's the slightest bit of ill treatment, you're to come straight home and live with me – love Mum.’ Sorry, the handwriting on that one's not great – it was actually to Ted.

To Mr M Pitts: ‘In response to your enquiry, there is no such thing as the Married Man's Beer Allowance. Please stop wasting our time – the Swindon Tax Office.’

To Ted: ‘Have a great day and sorry I couldn't make it, but I have double Games this afternoon until 4pm – love Lucy’. Nice to see that you're still in touch with your ex's, Ted.

I'd like finish by saying:-

May your love be modern enough to survive the times; yet old fashioned enough to last forever!

So ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to all stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Ted & Kirsty, the new Mr and Mrs Pitts.