Speech by David Charlton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Charlton
Speech Date: Apr 2001
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, I am the Best Man and for those who don't know me, I'm David, Gerard's brother and hopefully today my speech will be like the job of the BBC, to inform, educate and (hopefully) entertain and fingers crossed it won't become the Noel's House Party of wedding speeches.
In choosing his best man, I understand from Jo that Gerard went through a long and rigorous selection process. He wanted someone:
Loyal;
Trustworthy;
Reliable;

But most importantly he wanted someone ar…….tic…….u…….la……te!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But truthfully being asked to be a Best Man is an honour and I thank you Gerard, but having to do the wedding speech is like being asked to snog the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
In preparing my speech for today I researched like a man on a mission, I bought a couple of books, trawled through the World Wide Web and while reading up on the best mans duties came across some very important tasks:
These are just a few of them:
1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for the payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing Gerard will be all of them. Don't tell Kate (my Girl friend) but I have re-mortgaged the flat just to be on the safe side.
2) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this if he hasn't learnt after 29 years. But I will let you decide who dressed him today.
3) Ensure that the Groom uses the toilet (I'll stand outside for that bit), that he ties his shoes, has his face and hair in order (Bit of a problem this one, cause from looking at him you can see he was hardly at the front of the queue when God was giving out looks), has nothing between his teeth (or is that his ears) and has his trouser flies done up. (I don't think so!!!)
On second thoughts maybe Jo should have been the best man.
4) See that all ex girlfriends are kept at bay. I think that there is a large party of them down the road Gerard…
5) Bring a zip up bag with the following items for emergencies: – Aspirin Antacid Deodorant Valium (Gerard and Me Finished them this morning) Tooth brush and toothpaste
6) Makes sure that all of the presents reach the bride and groom's home. So, if you would like to place all of the gifts that you have brought with you, (especially the ones that contain money), in the back of the Purple Vectra registration L1V SWAG, I will personally ensure that they receive them . . . (cough, raise eyebrows.)

But to Gerard…
Unfortunately being Gerard's younger brother I didn't pay attention to his schooling all that much, but I'm reliably told by my mother that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.
Sorry that should read:
“He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!
Fortunately, whilst investigating Gerard's school days, I came across a number of school reports and I have a couple of extracts for you:
CDT – Although very keen, Gerard has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres!!!!!!
Religious Education – Gerard's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis!!!!!!
Music – Gerard takes a very hands on approach to music, but I wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself.
Gerard has never been afraid to express himself in the fashion sense, which takes me to a time when he was a nipper at St. John Bosco and a fancy dress party; at the time Gerard was very much into Culture Club and so decided with the help of Mum to dress himself as Boy George and boy what a sight that was (I Do have the picture evidence with me so if you grab me later I'll show you it)
Gerard is also a man that doesn't take obstacles lightly, just like the time when he decided he would walk through the doors between the living room and the dining room in our house, so far doesn't sound so bad, however these doors were made of glass and were shut at the time, I think that's when he decided that it would be better for him to be the doctor not the patient.
I have looked far and wide for examples of good advice for the happy couple, and in my search came across a book called “The Good Wife Guide”. I did look for the male equivalent but was told there was no such thing!!!
I shall read a couple of extracts from this 1960’s production and I'm sure you will agree that taking heedance from such a guide will stand the happy couple in good stead for the future!!!!!!:
“When your husband returns home from work, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his!!!!!”
“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”
“Once you have both retired to the bed room, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the up most importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train!!!!”
“Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night!!!!!”
“When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. It is likely that your husband will then fall asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair products”!!!!
I'm sure that at least 50% of us here would agree with this sound advice!!!
Summing Up

I would at this juncture like to ask Jo and Gerard to participate in the speech now. Jo if I can ask you to place you hand flat on the table . . . Gerard, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Jo's. . I hope that you are enjoying that Gerard, as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand.
I don't know whether you know this Gerard but you share the year of your birthday with a well-known bad boy rocker (Liam Gallagher) and I hope you have more luck in marriage with Jo than he did with Patsy.
And finally remember Jo, Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Gerard, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache. (I didn't write that honest!!!!!).
Reading of Cards!!!!!!
(2 below to be added by me in between real ones!!!!)
“Gerard, You're a Dynamo, I'll miss the good times” From Cameron Diaz
"I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat. The Queen Mum" Oh Sorry That one is addressed to me.

TOAST'S

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Gerard and Jo for their kind words I do have to agree they do look wonderful and have done an excellent job today, as has the Pageboy.

To the Hotel and Staff for a Wonderful Spread.

And finally to the bride and groom, congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

May you live as long as you like, and have all you like for as long as you live

Gerard and Jo!!! The new Mr and Mrs Lambe!!!!!