Speech by David Dunhill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Dunhill
Speech Date: 2002 nov
Good afternoon. I hope everyone is enjoying themselves.

I was until I now.

My name is David and despite my inability to speak or read well in public Colin has chosen me to be his best man.

Cheers Col.

Anyway Ladies and Gentlemen

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids I would like to thank Colin for his kind words, I have to agree that they look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

My first duty as best man was to make sure that Colin's Stag do to Barcelona went off okay without getting him arrested and, as per Clare's stern instructions, to bring him back in one piece. In fact it was all very civilised and cultured not at all like a certain hen night that I've heard about.

My second duty was to get Colin to the church, sober, on time and eventually married.

My final duty is to spend five minutes demolishing Colin's character.

With best man speeches it is traditional to have a series of funning stories made up about the groom, which covers up for the fact that he's a boring tax accountant from Basingstoke and his most exiting trait is collecting stamps.

Fortunately for you and me this is not the case
as Colin manages to get himself into embarrassing situations on a regular basis I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you some stories, which are all true,

Well give or take a bit of artistic licence of course.

Actually, I think it's amazing what you're allowed to say when you're not under oath.
I've omitted some of the more sensitive details, so if you want to know more, I'll be at the bar later on!

Anyway not one to shun my duties. …here goes…

I first met Colin at Leeds University about 10 years ago and over that time there have been
times of joy,
times of tears
and many times I could have throttled him.
My sympathies go out to those that have known him longer
In fact I take it as proof of the existence of God that he's managed to get so far through life without anybody trying to strangle him

So where do we start? Colin David Mortimer (good middle name that) was born; 26th November 1972.
I did try to link this date with some big world event, eclipses and general signs of the coming apocalypse and so forth, but it seems that nothing else happened that day.
The only spooky things that I did find was that it was the 50th anniversary of the opening of King Tutankhamen's tomb and the 30th anniversary of the premier of the film Casablanca.
I have no idea if any of this means anything, although I found out that appropriately the number one single on the day was Chuck Berry's ode to his private parts ‘My Ding-A-Ling’.

By the way, while doing my research, I also looked up the meaning of Colin's name and discovered (and I'm not surprised by this) that Colin is actually a derivation of the Italian name Nicholas, meaning Successful Commander or Winner of Arguments, from which we can easily deduce that Clare must mean
‘No Colin, You're wrong’.

Colin's schooldays according to him was a glorious list of academic and sporting highlights including
Being the head boy, Singing as a choirboy and becoming a fully qualified Football (Pause)
Referee

He was an all round sportsman until the famous knee injury at 14 when he became more of a sports expert but still ideally built to be the Goalie (otherwise know as Target) for his local hockey team.

It was at this time that Colin demonstrated that he could be calm and relaxed in a crisis. So much so that he could sleep thru the odd house fire.
One night he was woken up and told the house was on fire.
He thought about this for a moment and then went straight back to sleep.
He was woken up again and more or less escorted out of the building and round to a neighbour's house.
Most people would at least be slightly exited by this but not Colin he went straight back to sleep on the neighbours’ sofa.
From school Colin went to study Astrophysics at Leeds University.
And it was at University as I mentioned earlier, where I first met Colin
Actually I have no recollection of first meeting Colin, possibly I was so traumatised that I've blocked it all out, anyway he appears to be standing next to me in most of the photos from the first year with a beer in his hand.

It was definitely true that he was the sort of person who stood out in a crowd mainly due to his dedication to the fashions and treads of the day.
His dress sense is prone to dramatic changes from his Cure days at school of huge woolly jumpers via his first days at university in jeans and rugby tops to his later days at university when it was baggie clown trousers, his pirate pulling shirt and very bizarre sort of woollen Rasta headgear.

Even when on holiday he likes to show the locals the correct way to dress and I understand that his fine choice in skiwear is very popular with the French, particularly with their pets.

This follower of fashion has sported quite a range of hair cuts in his time including, the flop,
the pony tail
and most alarmingly a bob
fortunately he never went quite as far as bunches. Today as you can see the hair is much more civilised but it is still, I'm afraid, GINGER.

It was at university as Vice president of the Physics society, where he ably assisted in trying to organise as big as parties as possible. Colin also took change of organising all the sporting events. And he once again showed he was very good a crisis after one of our parties, when we had taken things a little too far, and we had to phone for an ambulance for our paralytic Treasurer.
He then took charge of escorting all the drunken ladies home.

It will probably come as a relief to the female population that Colin is getting hitched as Colin is definitely designed to be part of a couple, mainly, of course, so he has someone to boss him around. He can be quite scary when he was on the ‘pull’. In fact for a short time when he was single at university he was known as the Rubber ricochet man for his chat up technique in nightclubs. And I understand that he used to think himself quite a Romeo and he has been know to use the phase

‘I can still charm the birds out of the trees’ (Colin you're a worry!)

University was also where he developed an unusual approach to law and order.
One night a burglar broke into where Colin was staying. As the burglar was casing the joint, Colin was alerted to the situation and raced out to confront the man using a most unusual tactic to scare him off that of being stark naked.
One look and the man ran straight out of the house and straight into therapy.

In the time that I've known Colin I've learnt he can be a very focused individual.
Indeed many the times I've seen, even in the middle of a conversation, him becoming hypnotised by every magazine, book or television set in the room.

Another large part of Colin's life has been his involvement with Scouting
Where he has done various things including being the local Cub Scout leader and something he hardly ever mentions called Ten Tors. Although how he managed to cover any distance hiking is a mystery to me as he will read every single sign and information point when we're out walking. (Pause to let Colin retaliate)

It was while following these interests at Ventures that Colin and Clare met
Colin wasn't specific about the details and didn't say if it was eyes meeting across a crowded scout hut or a slow romance knee deep in mud in the middle of Dartmoor, but Colin thought it was important to mention that the first date was going to the cinema to see ‘Toy Story’ (Ahh!)

And so we come to that fateful (fatal) day when Colin proposed to Clare
Colin manage to pick that most romantic spot in Bristol to Propose, Clifton suspension bridge and the fact that its also a top suicide spot shows that he wasn't going to take any chances.
I had to ask, of course, which knee did he get down on to propose.
Apparently he decided that discretion is the better part of valour and he proposed standing up, otherwise with his knee he'd still be kneeling on the bridge today.

I think it's suitable at this point to read out a short poem that I feel sums up today's events and Colin and Clare's feelings for each other
…
I never thought I'd miss you
Half as much as I do
And I never thought I'd feel this way
The way I feel about you
As soon as I wake up
Every night, every day
I know that it's you I need
To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love
…
Colin, That was your cue to say ‘two points’
It is of course Madness
The song that is not the wedding.

You'll all be glad to know that I'm coming to the end of my speech now but before I finish and we can all get onto the serious Alcohol I just need to read out some cards and messages.

(Read cards & letters…)

So finally I would like to add my congratulations …

Oh just one more thing

They say that confession is good for the soul and on this special day I feel the need to unburden myself. For some time now myself and several others, have been taking part in a game which I'm afraid to say has been at Colin's expense.

Well now its time to come clean and explain to about

COLIN BINGO (take cards out of pocket and show them)

Yeap cos Colin is such a great fountain on knowledge and always has a suitable story for all occasions we reinvented the classic game of bingo to include some of Colin's favourite phases
Items include :

His VW-Variant
Land Rovers
Dartmoor
Ten Tors
Being Left Handed
His Knee
And of course West Ham

I tell you all this not due to any sense of guilt on our part but so that everyone else can join in the fun. I have some copies of the game here if any one wants to play along after the speech.

On a more serious note, Colin, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future.
You have been a great friend to me over the years, and it has been a great honour to be your best man.

I would also like to say that I do have a lot of admiration for Clare.
She had her sights set on Colin for a long time and was patient enough to wait until Colin realised this for himself.

She's a beautiful lady, I hope Colin realises how lucky he is in having a beautiful wife with a great personality and sense of humour, even if I worry slightly for her sanity in picking Colin.

Finally On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances

So before I start crying.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to raise your glasses in a toast for Colin and Clare, the New Mr & Mrs Stone…err…I mean Mortimer.