Speech by David & Ed

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David & Ed
Speech Date: 19/08/2013 10:15:57

Ladies and gentleman, good afternoon.

My name is David and I'm one of the Ben's two best men. I‘ve known Ben for the best part of ten years now, having met by chance on the first day of University as next door neighbours in Tapton halls. Walking up to my room that day was a pretty nerve-wracking experience, but all was assuaged as soon as I saw a friendly face and heard The Stranglers playing in the room next door… needless to say it was Ben and we quickly got chatting over music and football… We've been friends ever since that day – a journey that's taken in 3 years of living together, an un-countable number of gigs and house moves, 5 skiing holidays, 1 failed hitchhike attempt, but still sadly no meeting between Ben's beloved but terrible team Sheffield Wednesday and my team Tottenham…

My fellow best man is Ed, he will be introducing himself in a minute but first of all, I'd like to thank all of you for being here today, especially those of you who knew that Ed and I would be saying a few words – it's very touching to both of us that you still decided to come!… 

And for those of you who don't know me, my name is Ed. I've known Ben since we were 12 years old when we met in year 8 at school. I've spent the last 16 years watching Ben excel at school, graduate university… go back to university… and basically mature into the successful professional man we have before us today.

Ben on the other hand has spent the last 16 years watching me get detentions in Geography, repeatedly do stupid things and generally embarrass myself on a regular basis… including forgetting who Alix was the second time I met her…! Luckily for me though this speech is about Ben!

Now, I'm sure some of you are wondering why there are two best men standing up here today, it's perfectly simple. Ben wanted to appoint a BEST man for the occasion, but sadly he couldn't find one of those… and so he got us two barely competent men instead. However, by the end of this speech I'm sure you'll agree that combined we make one AWESOME best man combo!

Before we get any further, we'd just like to take this opportunity to say what a truly amazing day it has been so far – the ceremony, setting and the weather have all been perfect, as were the speeches we've just heard from Richard, Charles and Ben.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, we would like to thank Ben for his kind words and for having them play a part in this special day. I have to say – Charlie, Emily, Katie and Sarah – you all look fabulous and are only outshone by Alix who I'm sure you will all agree looks absolutely stunning.… Ben however has just looked stunned!

So, right Dave it's time to talk about Ben, so before we go any further I want to tell you about the one story Ben asked me not to tell about the time we were 16 and Ben drank a bottle of whiskey before we went to a gig in London. Well… I say WE went to a gig… I went to a gig, Ben however spent the afternoon being… errrr… we'll come back!… Let's just say that a carrier bag with holes in it is not a suitable holder for liquids!

Hold on just a minute Ed, I must point out at this stage that, just before we sat down, Alix came to us and gave us a list of DOs and DON'Ts that she would like us to stick to during this speech…

– DON'T mention any of Ben's ex-girlfriends (Ed throw away a card)

– DON'T swear (Dave throw away a card)

– DON'T tell any rude jokes (Ed throws away a card)

– DON'T tell any lies (Dave throw away a card)

– and finally DON'T tell any stories about the time that Ben got smashed on whiskey on the way to a gig in London and was sick in multiple strangers bags (Ed throw away 3 cards)

Anyway, as I'm sure you all know, Ben and Alix met at university, so I've been fortunate enough to see their relationship evolve from day one which pretty much coincided with going out for my 19th birthday. Little did we know back then that whilst I was getting kicked out of a nightclub for vomiting on someone and eventually being shepherded to bed by the resident hall porter Jim, Ben had met his future wife.

I'm sure many of you are wondering what Alix saw in Ben that night. Together, Ed and I have known Ben for many years and at that time, it seemed to us that Ben's main qualities were drinking Snakebite and Tequila, stealing Halls furniture and mastering Turbo Turns. So, to be fair, we didn't know either!…

So for the purpose of this speech, I spent a few days asking Ben's closest friends and family what they thought of him. For instance, at the stag do, I asked a few of his closest mates what they thought. The majority said they thought he was a first class banker. Actually, thinking back, we were in a noisy club and as Ben is in fact a lawyer, maybe I misheard them…

Some other words you may choose to describe Ben are, charming, witty and intelligent… but as nobody said those I won't use them!

One person, however, did describe Ben as lazy. grumpy, and tight. Hard to believe I know but to be honest, if anyone knows him that well it's his Mum!…

I was struggling to find much positive to include in this speech and so I took to the Internet to do some research. After a few hours and many websites I realised I may have been slightly distracted.… so I quickly deleted my browser history and got to work!

I'm guessing Ed was spending most of that time looking at Geology websites as the next day he told me while he was Googling cleavage… the slippage of rocks… he also found some information on continental drift….

Now, I know you didn't come here today for a lecture on plate tectonics but this is interesting stuff so bear with me. Apparently, the continents of Europe and America are moving together at a rate of just 5cm a year!… Now, as you can imagine, this is very slow progress – so slow in fact that scientist have had to create a new scale to measure things that move that slowly….

It's known as the Ben Seth scale as it was based on the time it has taken Ben to make an honest woman out of Alix!.. 9 years, 5 months and (count on fingers) 23 days I believe, for those of you who haven't done the maths!

Now, I'm sure most of you will be aware that Ben is a keen surfer. Very keen in fact!… He swears that surfing in winter is amazing. He tells me it's about the solitude, the waves, that you take on the worst Mother Nature has to give and you win!… We've talked about this and think it's just that Ben likes that he can wear his head to toe rubber suit in front of total strangers and not get arrested!

He also once told me that the biggest wave he ever caught was 10ft high. Needless to say I was impressed until I remembered Ben once tried to convince me that 9 inches was this big (hold up one hand and spread finger and thumb apart)… I can't remember what we were discussing though…

Anyway, on a serious note, Ben's been a brilliant friend over the years and it truly is an honour for both of us to be his best men. Ben is consistently the most trustworthy, conscientious and honest person we know. So mate – to you – thanks for being a fantastic friend. We've had some excellent times together and I know we will continue to do so but just remember, in future, it's not nice to frighten your friends by making them speak to a room full of people.

Ben, when we found out you had proposed we were delighted. Having known Alix a long time too I can say that I know you are marrying a beautiful girl who is caring, honest, strong, loving and kind. She is always willing to help in any situation, and I know she'll always be there for you. We wish you all the happiness in the world.

Likewise, Alix, I have no doubt in saying that Ben will be a fantastic husband, take good care of him, and please make sure that you lend him back to us every so often as, despite his faults, we quite like having him around.

Now, some advice for you both: Alix, as amazing as Ben is, there will occasionally be tricky times but just remember, love isn't finding a perfect person, but in fact it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

And Ben, I only have one tip for the future. Don't ever EVER grow your hair long again – it kind of made you look like a King Charles spaniel…..

Well, I'm sure that you'll all be pleased to hear that we're almost done, so to bring this speech to an end I would just like to wish the happy couple Bon voyage on their honeymoon to North Wales… I assume this is where they're going because when I asked Ben what he was doing after the wedding he said he's just going to Bangor for a couple of days….

Ladies and gentleman, can I ask you to raise your glasses, to love, to happiness, to Mr and Mrs Seth…..THE BRIDE AND GROOM!!!