Speech by David Ernst

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Ernst
Speech Date: apr 2003
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, for those that don't know me my name is Oliver Ernst and it's a great honour to be Peter's best man here today. As the best man it has been my responsibility to ensure Peter arrives on time, sober and looking good – well 2 out of 3 ain't bad. After all look what I have to work with – I'm a best man not a bloody magician It's been my experience in the past that women never tire of compliments, so on that note, I'd just like to say Jackie I think you look fabulous and have done a great job of getting Julie to the church today considering that Peter was waiting inside! It is custom for the best man to say a few words about the groom to protect him from angry ex-girlfriends – luckily for me most of them were wiped out during the last foot and mouth epidemic. For those that don't know Peter was best man at my wedding and he said some amusing things about me. I've waited 7 long years for the right of reply. He spoke to me a few days ago and said he was a little nervous about getting married – I said Peter, you shouldn't be nervous about that – be nervous about what I am going to say about you in my speech, it's a hundred time worse!! I first met Peter about 12 years ago – I was looking for a flat mate and a mutual friend recommend this guy that was looking for somewhere live – years later I found out that he had been booted out of the alcoholics anonymous hostels but I wasn't to know that. I remember when Peter first walked in the door – there he was this tall, skinny fresh faced gangly guy that you couldn't help but like. So I let Peter move in and after a few weeks I knew things were going to get interesting.
It didn't take me long to realise I was living with a guy whose role model in life was Homer Simpson !!!! I never thought it was possible that a human can live on nothing else but beer and chips – this guy shouldn't be alive !!
Anyway as I got to know him better I discovered that he was a deeply troubled young man so I set out to help him. The first thing I was concerned about Peter was his bed wetting problem The reason it concerned me was because he was in a fully furnished room I had provided. Now look, I really have no problem with this but for Gods sake – he was doing it from the top of the ward robe. Anyway I sorted him out – I put in a ceiling fan ! As I got to know him I also realised he had a bit of problem with girls. To help him out I immediately booked him in to the local premature ejaculation clinic – I tell ya – it was touch and go there for a moment !!! I had to laugh – the other day I was cleaning out all the old files on my computer and I can across our house cleaning roster – would you believe the toilet was down only to be cleaned every 2 months – I think we were just two typical blokes.
No seriously living with Peter was so much fun – we became really great mates. We both loved cricket, we used to stay up all night playing cards and then discovered after almost 2 years of living together that we were both pretty good tennis players so we used to spend hours at the tennis courts in some horrendous battles. Its funny that its taken Peter 15 years to realise I AM the best man.
Now a little bit about Julie.
I can remember the day that Peter first told me about her and how he had met this gorgeous girl at a work function, that was a Doctor and he was really keen on her. He said that he spotted her across the room and was instantly keen to have a date with her. They eventually went out and Peter later told me that when Julie had spotted him from across the room she said to him that she thought he was “handsome from afar”.

Many years later I asked Julie about this only to find out what she really said was “he was far from handsome”.
Look A best mans speech wouldn't be complete without telling u a story about one of Peter's ex Girlfriends and this amazing relationship. Before I do that did I tell u I could read minds. I just whip around the room to see what a few people are thinking?
Hmmmm my wife Kerry is thinking “Oh my god – Im gunna kill him – I TOLD him not to mention any other girls” Peter is thinking “I wonder if I can get a refund on this reception if we call it off now” And Julie is thinking – “hmmm BOY you don't want to know what she is thinking” Anyway, as I was saying Peter was in the amazing relationship with a girl that unfortunately only lasted 3 weeks. Why was it amazing? Well have you ever tried to keep a girl drunk for 3 weeks !!! Peter, as you know I have been married for 7 years so I think I can give you 3 pieces of advice to get you through. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything as Julie says!
Secondly, never be afraid that Julie will leave you – she's spent years training you already, she's not going to throw that away lightly!
Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words at least once a day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!” As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married. On a serious note Peter you are my best friend and it has truly been an honour to be your best man. You are one of the most genuine, most sincere, and unselfish people and caring person I have ever known. We have had some great times together and I look forward to many more fun times with you and Julie. Now ladies and gentlemen if you would like to rise and join me in a toast.

Today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between Peter and Julie will be strong enough to last forever. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bride and Groom