Speech by David Franz

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Franz
Speech Date: oct 2003
Hi-ya how ya's all goin? For those of you who don't know me by the way, my name is David or Franzy as everyone calls me. I am very friendly, house trained, rarely bite and will be found in the not too distant future, somewhere near the bar. I would also like to mention that I am a complete novice at public speaking. And I have this overwhelming urge to prove it to you today.

Now i will get the formatilities out of the way first.… firstly i want to thanks Brendon and Kylie for having me as your best man today, it has been a real honour and a privilege…well so far anyhow. I would also like to comment, and I think you will all agree with me, on how beautiful the bridesmaid's look tonight, and if all you single guys out there are feeling a little toe'y right now and are starting to rub up against one of the table legs, well you have good reason to because these ladies are looking very spunky tonight. On that note i would ask if you could all please raise your glasses for a toast to the bridesmaids.

Right, now in preparing this speech a wise man once told me that a Best mans speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love. So, that about wraps it up then, thank you and good night – (sit down)

Now before I go on to completely slander Brendon's character, as is tradition, i'd just like to mention that i was on the net the other day and i saw a list of the Best Man responsibilities. i couldn't believe some of these…let me read a few to you.
I was supposed to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and smart, well 2 out of 3 isn't too bad. After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the best man not a magician. Actually Brendon hasn't scrubbed up too badly has he? Although, I wasn't too pleased to turn up and find he'd copied most of my outfit.
I am also supposed to make sure that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay…well i can safely say that on good authority, Partridge the pony is happily grazing in a field somewhere out at Mudgee at the moment. So thats all taken care off.
I had to ensure the groom has his shoes tied, his face and hair are in order, nothings between his teeth (or is that supposed to be his ears), that his fly is done up and make sure he uses the toilet…your kidding.… What do they expect me to do, wipe his butt and aim his willy whilst he has a beer resting on my head, smoking a cigarette. It should be the other two gimps, Damien and Guy, who handle all of that stuff. Their just here for show and to make up the numbers anyhow…look at them sitting there all smug with their cheeky little grins, why not put them to good use, they did nothing all day anyway.

Now Brendon there is one thing you probably don't realise yet, this is the unwritten law or marriage.… You see, when you said I Do, you not only said i do to loving Kylie in good times and bad, in sickness and health blah blah blah, but you also said…I Brendon do hereby give full ownership and custody of my dangleberries to my beautiful new wife Kylie in which she may do as she wishes with them, for the rest of my life. So you have until midnight to hand them over, here's a purse for their safekeeping. (Throw him a small purse).

Now I probably should mention to you all about the time Brendon and myself got hideously drunk, stole a car and took it in turns driving while the other one pulled moonies at passers by, Brendon got 40 hours community service and I legged it, Yeah, I'd love to tell that story but I cant cos it ain't true and in some respects it'd be to tame.

Now everyone knows just how much of a little angel Brendon was in his younger years, especially his mum. So Christine, there are more than likely some things I'm about to say that you might not want to hear, but you will soon see just how much of an angel your little boy was in his younger years. Here are some of his highlights.

He has thrown a bowling ball out of a car, which ended up through some guys parked car windscreen in the city.
Then the same bowling ball was rolled down the middle of Parramatta Rd in the middle of the night, and yes there were other cars about.
Have you ever seen one of those paper trees and a Ford Fairmont totally engulfed in fire right next to each other? This is one sight I will never forget and I am sure Brendon won't either.
He has part taken in the total destruction of a brand new house, which I have been told would of cost thousand upon thousands of dollars to fix up what they did.
There was also the night where we managed to light about 50 plastic signs all at once whilst trekking up to Prospect Maca's. Upon arrival at Maca's we overheard a few old people discussing what they saw along the road upto maca's, so what do we do, we join in on their conversation and start saying stuff like, does anyone there know who did it, and maybe we should call the cops. We did find out however that they had already called the cops, so we were on our way quick smart.
We have been chased cops on more than one occasion.
There were the rock fights, how else did you think he got that scar on this right elbow, it certainly wasn't falling off his skateboard as he told you.
There were the nights when we seemed to be constantly doing burnouts in Brendon's mums blue Holden commodore on some chick's front nature strip. I have no idea who this chick was, but it was fun to do anyhow. And this seemed to happen just about every time we got in the car together.
There was also the times when he would, for some very stupid reason, decided to running through some guys fence, not once or twice, but numerous times.
There was also the destruction of some poor guys huge statue in his front yard. Not once but, or twice but three times. The silly old fella just kept on rebuilding it, so we simply just kept on knocking it down for him.
Lets also not forget, the very famous line of “I'm gonna open up a can of whooparse on ya” just before he went into a fight.
And if you want to see something disgusting, then simply make a small wager with Brendon. Simply offer him $20 to eat anything at all. Like the night he was offered $20 to eat dog food topped with birdseed. Apparently it's a real treat. Or so it looked whilst he was eating it.

Now, I have something to tell John (Brendon's dad for those who don't know) Hopefully you remember the day you spent chipping away at the cement in your driveway near your gates. You know, the day Brendon convinced you that the cement had risen, and this was causing you gates to not close properly. Well this was actually Brendon's fault, he was driving the car back and forth in you driveway when he was on his Learners and managed to drive smack bam into your gates causing them the problems I just said. So you can fix him up for this one later.

Now my last story about Brendon pretty much sums up his mentality.
This was something he did a while back. One night he apparently went to bed and was bitten by something numerous times. Not knowing what it was he got up and checked himself out in the mirror only to confirm that he was getting bitten many times. So he went back to the bedroom and checked the bed pulled down the covers and checked for a spider or something. After finding nothing, he turned out the light laid back in bed only to hear the unmistakable sound of a mossy. Now any normal sane person would of hopped out of bed, found some fly spray and would of sprayed the room. But not Brendon, he hopped out of bed, found himself some aeroguard and decided to spray his whole body with it and then get back into bed. Poor Kylie was left smelling aeroguard all night, and I assume that it wasn't the most pleasant smell.

But even thought he has done all of this stuff and plenty more, Brendon is the type of mate that will be there for you whenever its needed. And I for one value his friendship very highly, and I am sure that most of you out here today do the same. So I would like to wish Brendon and Kylie all the happiness in the years to come in their married life.

But just before I finish I'd ask Brendon and Kylie to participate in the speech now. Kylie if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table… Right Brendon, if you would like place your hand directly on top of Kylie’ s. Enjoying that Brendon? Make the most of it, it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.

Thank you very much.