Speech by David Green

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Green
Speech Date: sep2002
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman.

We've now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation

That's right. I've been asked to give him the drinks bill!!! (unroll long till roll)

(Blimey, looking at this I'm not surprised there's so many smiling faces)

For those of you fortunate enough not to know me, my name's Dave and I'm delighted and honoured that Gary has chosen me to be his best man on this special occasion and to return the favour I have promised that I shall be as kind on him as possible over the next half hour…….that was just testing if you were listening to me – I'm sure I saw some concerned looks then…..but don't worry I'm dying for this speech to end quickly as well!

On the subject of speech length, I've not really been a best man before so I’ m not entirely sure how long this should take, however I have been to the library and read that the speech should last no longer than it takes for the bridegroom to make love……..Thankyou <smile and sitdown>

Actually, I also read that it is my duty to be the grooms ambassador for the day so with this in mind I'll speak for a few moments longer to prevent any embarrassment (although if Gary had us believing him, I'd still be talking tomorrow morning).

Anyway, to start with I'd like to thank Gary on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his extremely kind words and I think you'll all agree that they all did a fantastic job today. I'd also like to take this opportunity to remind the bridesmaids that it is infact tradition to dance with the Best Man at the end of the evening. Look, it's a hard job but who am I to fly in the face of tradition!!

Have you all enjoyed yourself today ????

I've really enjoyed myself, it's been a fabulous day and really quite emotional – even the cake is in tiers!!

I apologise if it becomes obvious that I read a Bob Monkhouse joke book before coming here this afternoon (evening).

Anyway, many people ask me how I first met Gary. Well, we met on a survival weekend where we got the opportunity to dress as soldiers and live off the land for a couple of days, learning such skills as escape and evasion including the now infamous Monkey Run (Hayley is looking worried at this stage as there's a risk Gary will incorporate this move into his synchronised dance moves later in the evening and I promise you it won't be pretty so it's better that the young children are in bed by then)………..… My first recollection of Gary is somewhat blurry, as we were both rolling down a hill at the time in a stealth like mode to try and spy unnoticed on the camp whilst they eat breakfast. It goes without saying that whilst enthusiastic, we were frankly quite rubbish and totally conspicuous, which somehow missed the point of the exercise, but I remember thinking what a good mate Gary was when he reminded me to stop rolling just short of plummeting over the edge of a sheer drop.

Anyway, a firm friendship was formed at this point and later that night we slept together <delay and turn page>…………….as part of the challenge being to pair up and build a woodland shelter together. Rather predictably, we made an awful job of it again – but on the plus side, it was a lovely, still night with wild animals all around us……infact, a friendly woodland animal kept running over and under my sleeping bag during the night………(it was an animal wasn't it Gary??).

The thing is, I never quite know with Gary as you may have guessed that he likes practical jokes, but I must say he has strangely left me alone for the past couple of months – however it could be a coincidence that this coincided with me mentioning that I was putting a best man's speech together. His favourite trick is to go up to any person tall and wearing glasses and pretends he's talking to me – much to their confusion (I'm sure after the wedding speeches are over this one will get resurrected so if you're tall, thin and wear glasses I'd recommend you stay seated, put your glasses in your pocket and more important stay well clear of Gary!).

Anyway, I still remember clearly when he asked me to be his best man. It was at the half time point in a Sheffield Wednesday Match and he said he needed someone punctual, calm and a good organiser…….and could I recommend anyone. I was worried about the punctual bit as I'm notoriously bad at time-keeping and this is the first wedding I've been to where the groom makes sure that the Best Man arrives at the church on time.

As I've only known Gary for a couple of years, I am not adequately qualified to speak on his first girlfriends (was that a sigh of relief from my right?) I was tempted to make some stories up, but I had a wealth of other embarassing material which I could pull out at the drop of a hat but out of respect for the big day I have decided not to tell you about them………….…

In any great detail.

Like the time in Gran Canaria when Gary entered a competition which involved him dressing in women's underwear….he looked remarkably at ease in them which was somewhat unsettling but why take my word for it as I've some cracking photographs…..<pull some photos out of pocket and study>……what a fine pair of legs, but I'm not sure pink is your colour!!!…..… if anyone wants a copy come and see me later and it's amazing what I'll agree to when I've been bought a beer.

On a serious note, Gary is a fabulous person and a really good friend. He is kind, caring, considerate and quite simply the best guy you're ever likely to meet and what's more he's …………got extremely bad handwriting!. Gary, what's the next word say???

No speech would be complete without some words about the lovely bride. I'm privileged to have known Hayley since we first met at the survival weekend and I am really grateful to her for allowing Gary to pick me as his best man, particularly since I went abseiling with her some time ago and accidentally dropped her in a river!….actually, I'm not sure I should have reminded her about that so I'd best move swiftly on………… I'm sure you all agree that she looks fantastic and Gary really does deserve to have that satisfied look on his face.

Before I finish, I've just one or two cards to read out :

It gives me the greatest of pleasure (….and a massive relief) to invite you to stand as we propose a toast to the happy couple and wish them all the best in their life together.

To the Bride and Groom