Speech by David Grimston

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Grimston
Speech Date: Apr 2002
I'm very proud to be standing here today as as best man. For those of you who don't know me my name is Darren would you like another drink. Please feel free to come over and say Hi later on.

I was a bit nervous about getting up here and speaking to you all so I prepared a few lines and having snorted them I'm feeling absolutely fine now.

I would like to take a moment now to comment on how lovely all the bridesmaids are looking today. They've spared absolutely no effort and have done a great job in supporting F in the couple of weeks preceding the wedding, and as a result we've got the most beautiful, happy, and hopefully relaxed bride sitting here. Good on ya girls. So if you could all please raise your glasses with me to toast the 3 bridesmaids: To M, P and S.

Now, a wise man once told me that a Best Mans speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love. So, thank you, and good night.

Now in the course of deciding what to say in the few minutes I've got up here I canvassed a few of A's friends about his impending marriage, and of course was privy to a few of the initial reactions to A's announcement that he was getting married, and I could sum up all these reactions and opinions in just three words NO BLOODY WAY!!! Very few people expected A to be able to shift so seamlessly from his carefree playboy days into a happy long-term relationship; but that's exactly what he's done, and it's a credit to his character and to F's also that their union has been so successful.

I'd like to think that I've been reasonably successful at my best man duties up until this point. The first part, getting the groom to the church on time and sober, was a complete success. One of the next duties was the potentially delicate duty of keeping A's ex-girlfriends at bay and out of the way today. Thankfully this has been made a lot easier since the foot and mouth outbreaks of recent. Quarantine laws meant that none of them could actually be here today.

As most of you would know A left Perth in 1998, sporting a dodgy mullet and saying that he was heading to Europe to
a. find a better hairstyle
b. find out about European girls
c. find out about European beer

But what some of us suspected, and what the real purpose behind his little adventure turned out to be, was a recruiting mission for a European wife! And of course to put some more work into his beer gut!

As well as this he made a few good friends in the UK and elsewhere, and two of them are here today, having travelled all the way from England good on ya's A and D. It's amazing how far some people will come for a free meal!

And as well as being relieved that it's finally my time to get up here and speel off a few words to you all, I'm actually a bit surprised that A made it up the aisle today on his own 2 feet
You see, amongst a few of us he has a bit of a reputation for passing out when faced with a grand entrance to a big event:
Picture this scene: it's his work Christmas party in London, 1999. A enters the foyer of the party function center and is looking around eagerly for the woman he had just spent 3 hours getting ready for and was ready to make a move on; spots her and is immediately flat on his back! Not the way the less respectable of you might be thinking, but fainted out cold!!!

The next thing I wanted to talk about is what I call Moody Blues in the Kitchen

I'd like to share with you all one of A's greatest achievements, which could actually be patented for how bad it is his famous POTATO SOUP!!!

A & I used to share cooking duties when we lived together, and sometimes his dinner duty would include making mashed potatoes. But he wasn't always the whiz in the kitchen that he is now, and sometimes had a bit of trouble. To make the mash, he would always undercook the potatoes, then add too much milk, and the result would be a unique concoction of lumpy, crunchy, runny potato soup!

This next topic could be called In Bed with Moody Blues

A needs his sleep and will sometimes go to extraordinary lengths to get it. And if he doesn't get it then watch out because he can become a real grumblebum. When in Europe while we were sharing a room he developed a kinky habit of blindfolding himself each night before going to sleep. I know he said it was because I used to stay awake much longer and would keep him up, but another theory is that maybe he was hoping I'd take advantage of the blindfold and creep into his bed and give him a little spank!

Another particular trait of A's that a few of us have experienced in the last few days is that after a few drinks he tends to peak very early. A few beers or a few bourbons and he'll be blowing his whistle pretty quickly, and then needs to be put straight to bed. Luckily he's got F to do that now, and doing that is just what she's being doing since they met. I remember back in London only a week or so after A and F had met, we were all out having a few bevies together and A needed some serious nursing from F on the footpath outside the pub just to make it back home!

I'd like to begin my conclusion by saying that A is a great young fellow; He's handsome, intelligent, funny, charming, generous, sensitive (turn to A) What does that say mate? I can't read your writing!

And now for a few final words of advice for the bride and groom:

F: men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.

On the other hand, A, women are also like fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then turn full bodied until they go sour and vinegary. Then they give you a headache.

Now in next week they're off down south for their honeymoon, and I'm sure that all of us here wish them a lovely time away together. And speaking of the honeymoon, which I'm told is the period between I DO and YOU D BETTER, I'd like to wish them a very happy and prosperous marriage. And incidentally A, I've heard that the best way to remember the date of your wedding anniversary is to forget it just once.

So now it gives me great pleasure, not to mention great relief, to ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the bride and groom to a long and happy marriage, and to love, which is nothing unless it's shared by two A and F.