Speech by David Hodgson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Hodgson
Speech Date: Oct 1998
Mr & Mrs Rxxxxxx….… Ladies, Gentlemen, boys and girls…

On behalf of the brides maids I would like to thank David for his kind words….… They would also like to add that you don't look bad yourself.

I have some cards to read as follows……..…

I've written a few words myself to mark the occasion and so please allow me to share my thoughts with you.

One of the first things one notices about David is the noise..…

Usually you see something before you hear it… Physics you know… light travels faster than sound and all that..…

Not with Dave…… you very definitely hear him first as all of you will know…

I first heard Dave when I moved from a nearby village.… to Locking Stumps where Dave lived. I had just moved there and didn't know anyone.… I had trouble sleeping at that time due to strange noises in the night ….usually between say eight O'clock and ten thirty during the week and louder and later at the weekends..… At first I thought it was the drains, or the central heating but as my ears became more accustomed to the noise I could make out the odd word….."liverpool"……….mumble mumble…."Wales"…….mumble …."Lanky"……

I decided to investigate.…

My investigations led me to the local pub……the Turf and Feather……

As I approached the door of the pub… the noise became louder and clearer…and as I shyly entered…..all became clear !!..… the noise that had plagued me for some weeks now was the incessant, incoherant , droning , nonsensical , nattering voice of Mr Rxxxxxx himself..…

I didnt approach at first as I didnt wish to disturb this phenomenon in its natural state ,but made it my hobby to return and investigate further.

On closer investigation I ascertained that he talked effortlessly and freely on all subjects, even on subjects he obviously knew nothing about, and that one common denominator ran through all his comments…they were all complete and utter rubbish…!

Slowly but surely…….I grew to quite like the little chap and learned at an early date to dismiss his opinions instantly.

Eventually I plucked up the courage to challenge one of his statements…I think it was about politics.… He appeared amused at my opposing opinion and began to build on his argument ….soon it became apparent that my argument, no matter how valid and right, would be shouted down most vigorously with expletives , and to challenge him further would lead only to fisticuffs.

Since those early days David and myself have discussed countless matters of world importance .… Always with the same end… back down or fisticuffs.

We did actually come to blows once… at a Christmas disco at ye Olde Noggin Inn. We were dancing rather energetically and suddenly for no reason and out of the blue..… he lamped me one !!!….… Don't do that again I shouted over the disco music,…… so he did.… Now this to me is a basic learning difficulty which Dave has never really come to grips with,..… take learning to drive…… I've lost count of how many tests he's had..… ten, twelve..… thirty….I don't know but its an example of this learning difficulty.

Anyway…needless to say he punched me again .… Now I sometimes feel for people with this sort of behavioral problem and so again I let it go….… Why ??

Yes he smacked me again… that was it … no more the sympathetic, mild mannered, level headed, nice guy…… I launched into him and three or four uppercuts later we ended up in a giggling pile on the floor as people carried on dancing around us…… after that little fracas we mutually agreed that we loved each other…..I love you mate… I love you too mate….and retired to the bar…

Now we were in the Noggin that Christmas……… this wasn't necessarily by choice. Some years earlier we had both been barred from what was our local for different reasons. I was barred, by the despotic harridan that was the landlady, for creating my own religion, but thats another story.

David was barred for being a punchbag for the local psychopathic postman after an intellectual debate on the tactical pros and cons of playing a wing back system rather than a flat back four. You see the said postman happened to follow a different football team to David and that team happened to be Man United.

Now there aren't many things that wind David up more than Man United fans… are there any here today….???

Yes… well in the name of world peace please keep away from David as he has a tendency to want to list every trophy ever won by Liverpool , the dates they were won on, the teams selected at the time, the substitutes all in an attempt to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Liverpool are the greatest team ever to walk the planet.

This sort of behaviour inevitably leads to arguments ….to enter into an argument with David as I've already mentioned can have only one result……back down or fisticuffs.

The postman didnt back down ……and poor David was given quick but extremely bumpy tour of the gents toilet courtesy of the GPO. ……….The fact that the postman was the landladys son I think had a bearing on the fact that the injured party was again the victim and was barred…… and left with no alternative but to join me at the Noggin……which is a better pub anyway.

The Noggin became our meeting place and many a venture was planned and executed from this base. One trip was to Southport beach…… on a fine summers evening. Geoff another of Daves many friends, drove his dads car as part of a convoy so we all piled in and went for a jolly outing. Damn jolly it was too….… We began in the early evening with a gentlemanly game of beach cricket..… in full observance of test rules you understand.…

Now I dont really understand cricket…I never have… I mentioned this to Dave once …..and he insisted that he would help me gain a better understanding of the game… fielding techniques…..batting terminology…..… positional terms…..players names.… where better to start but at Daves favorite teams ground… Old Trafford and Lancashire Versus Derbyshire……

Call me nieive…call me stupid.… Call me ill informed

but I had a romantic preconceived idea that a visit to the cricket would be all leather on Willow, the sound of the ball being hit echoing around the green and white painted wooden pavilions. The gentlemanly claim for LBW followed by humble acceptance of the umpires decision. I thought there would be quiet chatter amongst the crowd, quiet debate as to the team selection. The sound of people crunching apples in the sunshine, the opening of lemonade bottles.…

Talk about shattered illusions….…

Cricket is Blue cool boxes containing 24 cans of Carlsberg to last until tea time..… a packet of monster munch in case you get hungry… a packet of Cheesy wotsits for putting up ones nose for a laugh.… A scotch egg cos they look funny.… Cricket is shouting insults at the opposing players and making up songs about your own… the freezing cold wind and drizzle buffeting off the concrete and steel terracing.… Cricket Is burgers and hot dogs and putting a paper bag over Geoffs head to see of he can still make it down four flights of steps to the toilet only to be met at the bottom by his dad…! ..… D'you fancy a look round the cricket museum really means lets go to the bar..… I didn't know cricket had so much to offer.??? Cant wait to go again.…

Back to the main story beach cricket at southport.…

as the light faded we had to abandon the game and looked for someting else to do….… In the distance… along the beach… we could see flashing lights and so got on..… rather than in Geoffs dads car and proceeded to surf towards the lights…..at one stage I dont think anyone was actually in the car driving but there was a brick on the accellerator to keep us going..…

When we neared the lights we skillfully managed to bring the car to a halt and found ourselves at a beach rave.… What a strange experience..… loud music belting out in the middle of nowhere….… Weird… almost alien people dancing with hunched shoulders, feet buried in the sand, worshipping the god music… we cautiously investigated but soon tired of the music and decided that standing on Geoffs dads car roof whilst pelting along the beach was more fun. So we mounted up and set off..… I can't remember who was driving but recall that Geoff was on the bonnet as we sped off down the beach. The accelleration proved too much for Geoffs foothold and he fell backwards and sat with great force on the windscreen, the wind screen of course gave way and left Geoffs arse print in the cracked glass. Now this has no direct relevance to David except that it was he who came up with the excuse to be offered to Geoffs dad as to the cause of the damage………

Next day back at Geoffs dads for the inquest… Geoff meekly offered the lame excuse provided by Dave…… It was the Cricket ball dad……… big arse for a cricket ball he said as he checked out the sand scratched footprints all over his brand new car.

Another adventure was to the lakes…… but I think it may be prudent not to mention this one ….prosecution may result. Speaking of prosecution..… the police may wish to question Dave about a thirty foot long piece of yellow plastic pipe sticking vertically from hole fourteen on Birchwood golf course some years ago.

Dave has had his share of run ins with the police, Aston Villa away immediately springs to mind. But another occasion gave Dave an opportunity to show his lightning fast mind……… Walking home from the Bingo one Saturday night the police apprehended Dave and his pals Andy Morton & Geoff Riseley….… "Who kicked over the temporary traffic light down the road".… they were asked. They all of course pleaded innocence. The police.… not convinced by the pleas requested names and addresses should they wish to discuss this further. Geoff conjured up the name of John Smith from his vivid imagination and some suitable address for him to live at. Andy Morton, visibly shaking and with a tremor in his voice at the thought of the trouble he would get from his parents, surprisingly managed to avoid giving his own name and he too invented a suitable name.

Dave….with a little snigger….… Said Andy Morton 4 Fern Close Locking stumps……..… 01925 76543.

Dave & I have been involved in many jolly japes and jests over the years and despite our totally opposite views on just about everything we still manage to get on together….… and I'm glad to count as one of his many friends and hope that I still will after this speech……… Best man.…

As part of my investigations for this speech I approached Davids Father for some inside information to see if I could fathom a deep seated reason for his erratic behavior. He was in fact born a Man City fan………… which can explain a great deal of his character… with a tennis racquet and a football as his childhood companions he didn't have any cuddly toys but by all accounts…… he did give a brilliant rendition of "ill be your long haired lover from Liverpool whilst strumming the tennis racquet…..… some time later he changed his allegiance much to the pain of all concerned then and now.… To Liverpool. He was born in Salford of Welsh parentage……with a surname akin to a Victorian disease of the lower limbs .… No wonder he's mixed up… it seems fitting then that someone with such a poor start should meet with some luck along lifes highway. Dave did.… he met Jayne…….lovely sweet Jayne..…

Unlike Dave ……Jayne is talented, unlike Dave she's reserved in her opinions, unlike Dave she's level headed, sensible and thankfully……quiet. Or at least that's what most people think….…

But get a few Brandies down her and she'll out sing the Anfield Kop with her renditions of football songs…… yes football songs.… And the language.…

Now we all have a past……… and I'm sure Jayne has too.… I've investigated this…… but unfortunately cannot find anything of an embarrassing nature. But I'm sure she's had a few fellas chasing after her in her time…… with this in mind I would say that if there is anyone here who has had a fling with Jayne…..… it is now over..… I would therefore ask that you return any of Jaynes house keys you may have and there will be no questions asked….…

In closing I would like to wish the new Mr & Mrs Rxxxxxxx the very best of luck and every possible happiness in their life together and would further like to propose a toast,

May your joy be everlasting and may your pain.… be Champagne. …… The happy Couple.