Speech by David Knockton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Knockton
Speech Date: Aug 2001
For those of you who don't know me my name is David Wouldyoulikeadrink.

Please feel free to call me by my full name later on when I'm at the bar!

Fornication Ladies & Gentlemen!

Oh, sorry, my mistake…

For an occasion, Ladies & Gentlemen, such as this

in my role as Best man I tried to make sure Darren got a good nights sleep. So we had a few beers and he slept like a baby

He kept waking up every hour with a wet bed asking for mum.

I think you'll all agree that Sarah looks like a million dollars today
And I think Darren looks like he was won in a raffle!

I think the Bridesmaids all look very top shelf today
Hair by Nicky Clarke
Dresses from Gucci
Foundation & Make up by B&Q

It was once said that being the best man is like being asked to sleep with the Queen Mother. A great honour but nobody wants to do it.

I'm a bit nervous as you can tell and I'm not saying I've been to the toilet a lot But this isn't the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

I'm now going to give you a history of Darrens life
Then I'll get on to telling you some outrageous stories about him.

Darren was born, went to school, became a chef & got married to Sarah.
Right onto those outrageous stories!

I have known Darren all his life so I have a huge library of stories to tell you but out of respect to the newly weds I have decided not to tell them

(Pause)

In great detail anyway!

Darren was born in Chichester, Sussex.
I'm not saying the people in Chichester are a bit slow but when travelling through recently I asked on eof the locals if there was a B&Q in Chichester.

They replied “Well, there's a C, H, I, C…”

Not the most lively of places to be born either.
I'm not saying the people in Chichester are old but all the shop windows are bifocal!

I once asked Darren what his memories of school were
He said it was all a bit of a blur really
I suppose it would be when he spent most of his time jumping over the gates to avoid double maths in period 2!

During his school years Darren was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects

Or sorry I've just misread that bit, it should say
He was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects!

Religious Education wasn't his strong point He still thinks the book of genesis was written by Phil Collins!

In Maths Darren always had a problem distinguishing between inches & millimetres and I've heard this is still the case – Eh, Sarah!

It may surprise you to know that Darren was very sporty at school
Well he used to run the tuck shop anyway!

He was a superb footballer and if it wasn't for pubs opening all day he may very well have turned professional.

Rugby was a different story – on a school report his sports teacher once said
“Darrens enthusiasm for the sport far outstrips his ability – I found him useless in virtually every position”

Hope Sarah has more luck there then!

Well a prize winning scholar, a gentlemen, a keen sportsman and if the truth be known a real heart throb with the ladies
Darren was none of those things!

But he did show the outstanding qualities of character that have brought us all here today to help celebrate his marriage to Sarah.

I thought I would take this time to give Darren a few words of advice:
I came across a dictionary
It's the definition of the word argument
It reads
Argument – A discussion that occurs when she is right but you just don't realise it yet!

And, Darren, Please always remember those 3 little words – “You're right dear”

But seriously Darren and Sarah are a perfect match and I wish them all the very best.

Darren you have married a beautiful, intelligent, talented and exceptional woman.
Sarah, You have married Darren!

I'll stop now because I'm getting a bit emotional – look even the cakes in tears!

Before the toast I've just received a fax from the owner of your honeymoon hotel:

“Congratulations to you both on this special day.
We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a memorable one. Please do not worry if there is a slight delay when checking in as we are putting something very special on for you…..the roof!”

Toasts:

There are obviously a couple of very important people here today whom we all have the utmost respect for and with whom we could not do without. At some stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes so I would like to propose a toast to:

The bar Staff

No not really – please all raise your glasses for the new Mr & Mrs Knockton – Darren & Sarah