Speech by DAVID LANDER

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: DAVID LANDER
Speech Date: sep 2004

Hello everyone, for those of you who don't know me, my name is David and I am the best man – I'm also Jason's Dad, so you can probably see where he got his good looks from. I do hope that you are all enjoying the day so far, and I'll try my best not to change all that.
Now then, Jason – you know what's expected of me. – lots of humiliation and embarrassment is supposed to come your way, so don't be too upset if, by the time I've sat down, everyone in this room thinks you're a total moron.

My main duty today is to give you all an introduction to the groom, relating tales about his crazy adventures as a young man, his run-ins with the police, the marathon sessions in the pub and his string of meaningless flings.

I think we all agree that Nicola looks fantastic today, a number one hit if ever there was one.
I would like to comment on how trim Jason is looking in his suit, which is actually the result of a fitness regime that's seen him do at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – he's just been collapsing a lot though nerves and stress.

Had today's meal been one with a formal seating plan, I was going to suggest to Jason and Nicola that they use the wedding present list as a guide for who to sit where, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there, thank you to Tony and Sue for the oven glove.

It's a wonderful honour to stand before a room full of interested, attentive people and talk in tribute to a man of high achievement, flawless integrity, piercing intellect and impeccable wit – and if I ever get that opportunity, I'll be sure to make the most of it.

If I was to follow tradition, this is the point in my speech that I'm meant to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his good points. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I can't sing and I won't lie.

Nicola, what can I tell you about Jason that you don't already know? Perhaps you've not yet come across all of his habits – drinking to excess, stopping out until the early hours, coming home smelling of curry, and that lovely dusty, sweaty aroma that follows him. But enough of Jason's many attributes.

I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but I don't want to get into all that. Frankly, I find such macho male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say Jason, 72 turned out to be your lucky number.

Ladies and gentlemen, precedent dictates that I would be failing in my duty as best man if I were not to include a story involving Jason and copious amounts of alcohol. But such stories can so easily come across as juvenile and distasteful. The time that Jason failed to open the taxi-window before he was sick out of it would be a good example. And the time he did manage to open the taxi window, only to decorate the windscreen of the police car behind, would be another.

As part of my research for this afternoon, I actually asked Jason and Nicola what they saw in each other in order to shed a little bit more light on their world and the reasons that have culminated in, well, today. And it was Nicola who told me that she was marrying Jason because, and I quote: "he is handsome, he works hard, he has a good sense of humour, he looks after me – and he has a nice bum." I did immediately double-check for signs of drink or drugs when Nicola told me that, but she did appear totally sober.

Seriously Jason, you are a lucky groom. You've got Nicola, who is beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving, caring and, it has to be said, a bit of a babe! Nicola, you've got a great job with even greater career prospects, so stay focused and you should have some consolation after today.

Marriage will teach Jason many things. It will teach him loyalty, self-restraint and control. And it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had just stayed single.

Jason and Nicola, you're so happy together that you need little advice from me on your married life together. But just bear in mind that people and their perspectives can change after marriage. After all, they do say that when a man holds a woman's hand before they are married, it's because of love – but once they are married, it's simply self-defence.

I don't feel I can stand up here and commit you to married bliss without offering you this one crucial piece of guidance for the years ahead – the remote control is Jason's, and Jason's alone.

There are two things that are vitally important for a successful marriage – honesty and wisdom. I say honesty, because, no matter what happens, no matter how adversely it may affect you, always keep your word once you have given it. And as for wisdom, never give your word.

There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff!

To be serious, Jason and Nicola have now begun their life together, with today's service sealing together two spirits that have already begun travelling the path of one. I offer my own best wishes to you both, for a continued happy journey down that path.
To close, I'd like to invite everyone to raise a glass and toast the bride and groom, Mr and Mrs Lander. –Jason and Nicola, best of luck, and may you have all your heart's desires come true.