Speech by David Lilley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Lilley
Speech Date: Apr 2002
The Cedar Court Hotel Huddersfield 2.00pm

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen.
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming – I'm sure you'll all agree that this is turning out to be a brilliant wedding celebration. Yet every silver lining does have its cloud… and that cloud is that you will have to listen to my voice for the next few minutes.
I have tried to memorise this speech but please forgive me if I have to refer to my notes every few seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me but unfortunately my eyesight does not stretch that far and neither did the wedding budget.

As we have been eating our meal this afternoon I have been looking around the room at you all, and it has struck me how far some people have travelled for this wedding. With this in mind I would like to thank Trevor & Sarah who have come all the way from Guernsey and Uncle Barry & Auntie Mary who have come from Bedford.

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mark for his kind words, I'm sure you will all agree with me that Jessica, Amy & Amber look wonderful today and doesn't Matthew look smart in his suit we would like to thank Mark & Karen for there wonderful gifts of the cufflinks and earrings. I'd also like to thank them for making today such an emotional event – look even the cake is in tiers!
For those of you who don't know me, my name is ‘David what are you drinking?’ So if you see me in the bars please don't hesitate to call me by my name.
Also I'd like to say that Karen looks absolutely stunning today as am sure you will all agree with me; Well as for Mark he just looks stunned.

Mark & Karen were very kind enough to buy me a book by Bob Monk house on how to deliver speeches and part of this is to imagine your audience all naked, so I hope you'll all indulge me for a few seconds as I picture you all naked.

(Pause look around, look at Karen, wink, look back)
We are now at the point of the speech where I am to perform the character assassination of the groom. MARK SPARKY ALLISON !!!!
I've known Mark for some 15 yrs since the first time we met at Brighouse Cricket club and he asked me if I wanted to go away with him for the weekend. (Pause)
Now it is not as it first seems we were infact playing a double header against Ben Rhydding.
But it's nice to see in all this time that his hairstyle hasn't changed one bit well apart from thinning out that is.
I have been doing some research on the internet and was quite surprised to find that there is actually a "Best Man's Checklist"; So here are a few of the main points from it: –

Bring chequebook for payments the groom may have forgotten. Fortunately I haven't needed it as my chequebook is issued by DUNLOP
Assist the Groom in dressing. (I don't think so! If he is not old enough to get dressed now he never will be)
Ensure the groom:
Uses Toilet (I sent him in there but I am not going to check)
Ties Shoelaces (I hope he is wearing slip ons)
Face and Hair are in order. (If god could not do this, what chance have I)
Make sure there is nothing between his teeth (or in Mark's case "ears" on a clear day you can see strait through)
Arrives on time and Sober
Well 3 out of 7 isn't too bad
Now, one of my duties last night was to make sure the groom had a good nights sleep. So I thought what better way than to take him down the club for a few beers to help him relax. I think this worked as he slept like a baby… waking up every 2 hours, crying for his mummy!!!
Not to be outdone, I spoke to Karen's uncle Barry earlier and he was reminiscing how fast children grow up nowadays? He said that when Karen was a toddler, he remembers her running around with a dummy… so No change there now!!
I thought I'd tell you a little about Mark now. I asked his Mum & Dad for some cute photographs to show everyone today. There was this one sweet one of him, lying naked on a sheepskin rug in front of the fire, eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling. I was going to show it today but it might be too embarrassing for him as he's 31 at the time!!!
Now, I've had plenty of time to recall all of those embarrassing tales that Mark would rather not have heard today.
But the truth is Mark has rarely done anything embarrassing, amusing or even interesting at all for that matter. You really wouldn't know it to look at him, (look at him).…
Anyway, having had time to think about it. I've managed to conjure up a couple of stories.

I promised Mark I would not tell you about the time we where on a lads’ holiday to Cala d or in Majorca a few years back. A week into our holiday we were almost evicted from our apartments on the charge of being drunk and holding orgies in the middle of the night (it was in fact the apartment below us). Thanks to My tact and diplomacy it was proved to be a classic case of mistaken identity. Needless to say we spent the rest of the holiday looking for these orgies but with no success leaving Mark really disappointed.
I was lucky enough to see one of Marks bosses at his stag do and she told me that Mark is often described as god.
No one ever sees him,
He makes his own rules,
and it's a bloody miracle if he does any work at all!!!
I think at this time I should talk about Mark from his early days. So my thanks must go to Phil for the following information, which he told me on the stag do.
(Turn and face Phil)
So thank you Phil for this.
Mark was a slow starter.
At Playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds, he was 11.
When he was 14 his mum & dad were concerned that he was falling behind at school. Although he wasn't just falling behind, he was getting lapped.
This general lack of intelligence was reflected in some of his school reports, which I have a copy of and they read as follows:
MATHS: “Mark has a problem with figure's in general and is unable to perform even the most basic calculations. He is probably best suited to a career in the finance department of the local council
R. E.: “Marks understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis”
ENGLISH: Mark tries hard but find spelling a major problem especially the spelling English Cities for example he spells LEEDS Y.I.D.S. (Shake head in mock disgust and say YIDS)
P.E.: Mark tries very hard at all sports especially football and cricket but he is useless in every position he is tried in. Oh well Karen, I hope you have better luck!
Now on a serious note, ladies & gentlemen, a few wise words for mark & Karen.
Mark
Always tell your Karen those 3 important little words . "You're right dear".
Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.
There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and then follows the suffering, the torturing and the enduring.
And now for my final words of advice to the Bride and Groom. Karen: men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.
On the other hand, Mark, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary. Then they give you a headache.
Mark & Karen you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without’. This is obviously true for the both of you.
So before I sit down to have a well earned drink or five and don't forget my name “David what are you drinking”
I'd just like to say that there are 2 people, who today, we have all taken into our hearts, who mean so much to us and without them this day would not have been the success that it has and will be. Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast TO… [Pause] the bar staff!
No, of course I'm only joking. To MARK AND KAREN … a nicer couple you couldn't hope to meet. So please raise your glasses for one final toast to the future happiness of
Mr and Mrs MARK ALLISON – the bride and groom.