Speech by David McClure

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David McClure
Speech Date: oct 2004

Now before I get started, I'd like to make sure everybody can hear me….can you all hear me?

What about you down by the bar? Mine's a Carlsberg!!

OK, Good Afternoon reverend Father, Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and Girls.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is David and for those of you that do … well I apologise.

Foolishly, M***** has given me the great honour of being best man on this very special day. Let me just say how grateful I was to have been chosen to speak at such a joyous occasion, the wedding of M***** and B*****.

Unfortunately, those feelings have now gone out the window and i stand here before you … terrified.

Now Before I hand you over to M*****, I would just like to say a big "Thank you" to the bridesmaids because they have done a marvellous job in helping B*****, and look fantastic!!!!

Indeed they are only eclipsed by B***** herself, who, I'm sure you'll agree, looks absolutely stunning today.

M*****, on the other hand, just looks stunned.

At this point i would like to ask both M***** and B***** to take part in my speech. B***** will you please place your left/right hand on the table. M***** will you please place your left/right hand on top of B*****’s..…

Are you enjoying that?

I would like to ask you both to keep your hands in this position until the end of my speech and believe me M***** you will regret it if you don't.

OK, M*****, I would like to extend my thanks to you for giving me the chance to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and for helping me to fulfil one of my childhood dreams of becoming Mr.Frodo, the ring bearer.

Funnily you do bear a striking resemblance to SAMWISE GAMGEE…… or is that Gollum

I would like to also thank you for finally admitting after all this time that I have known you, that I am the best man!

I am sure you will agree that the wedding has turned out to be a fabulous event, but for every silver lining there is a cloud, that is .. that you have to listen to me for a few minutes!

I do have a reputation for rabbiting on, so I will try and keep this as brief as possible.

JUST REMEMBER THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER ITS OVER.

Before i begin, however, it IS my duty to inform you of a couple of disclaimers before I proceed any further.

Disclaimer number one – My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it's got NOTHING to do with me!

Disclaimer number two – M***** and B***** have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables during my OVATION, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions!

And nor do I for that matter!

Disclaimer number three – The DVD of this wedding, if there is one, has been issued with an 18 certificate, some scenes may be offensive to small children and those of a nervous disposition. If you are watching this at home, please turn away for the next 10 minutes.

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas?

The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.

After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called M***** and B***** who lived in ******….so it looks like it's down to me after all.

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE

Apparently though there are some things I am NOT supposed to mention … for example;

1. M*****’s questionable fashion sense – Some of his old Rocker attire – tight trousers, printed T-shirts and of course the long straw hair….How times have changed .. but dont worry, like all true friends I'm leading the way for you.

2. M*****’s ex girlfriends ..… unfortunately they couldn't come today but they send their condolences to B*****

3. And of course the stag night – but fortunately, for all those who were there, the law of stag covers that.

However, i would just like to say that seeing M***** sporting only a face cloth to hide his dignity was enough to turn any man to drink so it was all his fault.

B*****, Thank God you have a big HOUSE to go home to.

I was presented with a problem whilst thinking of what stories to tell you about M***** as I was searching for one that didn't begin with "we we're in the pub", or … "we'd been drinking all day", or .…

I think you all know where i am going with this so as you can imagine … it could have been a very short speech.

I did recall a few escapades but I don't think M***** would appreciate me telling of the time he was found sleeping on the toilet in the bridge bar

or the time he sang YMCA at the top of his voice whilst standing on a table in S***** Bar … while they played a different song.

or when he was nearly evicted from the halls of residence at University for hiding in a cupboard during a fire drill ….… and judging by the look on his captor's faces, they didn't appreciate the face cloth either

so I won't mention these.

Interestingly M***** was born in 1976 and in this year 2 important events took place.

Firstly, Apple Macintosh computers were founded by Steven Jobs… Unfortunately, no matter how hard i try to persuade M*****, he continually refuses to LOSE Apple Macintosh computers off the back of his lorry. Stating only that "David said it wouldn't be missed" would not be a viable reason and would never stand up in court.

and Secondly, M*****’s Favourite song, Y.M.C.A. was the top selling hit of the year in the UK … obviously a trend that has affected his life deeply.

Instead of stories you will have to listen to my marital advise instead. I'm not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! but I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple

M*****;

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything she says

2. Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football … so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and dont put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.

However, B***** Assures Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.

(I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box.)

3. Thirdly, remember the 5 rings; The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.

4. Don't forget, if you buy her flowers, she knows you're guilty, and she will remember, to the second, the last time you bought her some … AND the reason why!

5. Lastly, there are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’. as opposed to "When in Rome"

B*****

The 5 key tips to a successful marriage.

A man who will treat you right and always stand by your side

A man who will shower you with gifts and compliments

A man who will comfort you in times of trouble.

A man who will please you and grant your every request.

and most importantly

Ensure that each man does not know the other ones names.

But really M*****. you are one lucky man! You married B***** today.

She's a beautiful, smart, funny, loving, and caring young woman.

She really deserves a great husband. Thank god she married you before she found one.

Have you still got your hands together? .… Good, good

I Spoke To Both B***** And M***** Before The Wedding And I Asked M***** What He Was Looking For In Marriage – He Said "Love, Happiness And Eventually A Family."

When I Asked B***** The Same Question – She Replied – A Coffee Perculator!

Well, She Actually Said A "Perky Copulator" But I Knew What She Meant…

I now have a few messages to read out from those who couldn't attend and those who weren't even invited,

Dear B*****, Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Love Justin Timberlake

Dear B*****, You forgot your thong and magic wand, we'll look after them for you

from the boys at the ****** Spice Club

Dear M*****, You forgot your thong and magic wand, we'll look after them for you

from the boys at the ****** Spice Club

Dear B*****, We've had M***** on trial here, we tried him in every position and he was useless. We hope you have more luck. from the boys on the football team.

The final, and most important task, of best man is knowing when enough is enough and i think that that time has arrived as i look down at my girlfriend and see her with her head in her hands, wondering “what have I done”

It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And i honestly couldn't wish for a better friend to be best man for.

I think you will all agree that today, M***** truly is the best man and apart from B***** being the most stunning person in the room, she is also the luckiest.

Now, in case any of you are wondering why i asked M***** to place his hand on top of B*****’s, I will tell you now. M***** … as my final role, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over B*****.

Ok that's me done, now time to get drunk, but first, the Toast.

Please all be standing and raise your glasses to Mr. & Mrs. ******!!!

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever and as a wise man once said "live long and prosper"

To the Bride and Groom!!