Speech by David McLachlan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David McLachlan
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen . . .

Before I begin, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Jo, Katie and Ashley, I'd like to thank Paul for his kind words. I'm sure that you'll all agree that they are looking fantastic.

They have done a splendid job in making this day a very emotional event – look! Even the cake is in tiers.
I can't go any further without mentioning Pauls new wife, Kath. She looks absolutely stunning. I'd also like to say how good Paul is looking, but I'm not one to lie so I won't.

Paul stayed over at mine last night so I could keep an eye on him. I can now exclusively reveal that he slept like a baby…
He woke up crying every half hour, wanting his mummy.

I thought about trying to memorise this speech, but am sure Paul will back me up when I say, I REALLY have NO chance there. So please forgive me if I resort to my notes every 5 seconds.

PAUSE

Anyway, let me introduce myself to those who don't know me and to those I forgot who do. I'm David and Paul gave me the dubious honour of being his best man 6 months ago, which you would think is plenty of time to prepare a speech – believe me, it's not.

PAUSE

Paul gave me some advice on writing the speech, and this is true. In his usual audacious way he summed up how the speech should go:

Had my fopars…
Now I've seen the light…
Got a cracking girl…
So now lets toast the bride and groom. Bum Bum

PAUSE

That's Paul in nutshell. Well, I took your advice Paul, this is torture and am ending it now… so, will everyone please be upstanding…

No, no… Just kidding…

It's a funny thing about the best man's speech – people seem to expect you to pull some skeletons out of the closet just to add… a little bit of spice… to the happy occasion. I always thought that's a bit of a cruel trick. So, I'll only be too happy to oblige.

PAUSE

Before I go ahead and completely slander Paul's character, as is tradition. I'd just like to go over some tasks that I've found out I'm meant to perform as ‘Best man’.

“1. Bring a cheque book or credit card for payments the groom may have forgotten” – Which, knowing Paul, he knew of this first item and hasn't paid for any of it.

PAUSE

“2. Help the groom dress” – erm thanks, but no… if he's not learn by now…

PAUSE

“3. Ensure that the groom:

a) uses the toilet (again, no way… )
b) his shoes are tied… (yes, he still needs help)
c) his face and hair are ‘in order’ (god didn't put them in order the first time round, so what chance have I got?)
d) nothing between his teeth (or is it his ears??) – either way, I think am ok there.

mmm… perhaps his mum should have been best man.

PAUSE

“4. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay” – I should think most are far from angry and probably already out celebrating…

PAUSE

“5. Bring a bag with the following items for emergencies:
asprin, antacid, deodorant, valium (paul, do we have any left?), toothpaste, a roll of Clingfilm and a can of chum”

(at this point I get out a roll of cling film)

I've actually brought some of those items with me Kath, am sure they'll help you through your married life…

(at this point I get out a fluffy Labrador which I put on his shoulder. This killed em!!! Haha, fantastic!)

PAUSE

“6. Make a speech to the bride and groom”

Now I thought it meant JUST the bride and groom, you know, I'd get locked in a nice little room, to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so am a little upset now to find I have to do it in front of about 100 people! Still must press on…

PAUSE

“7. The key is to find a best man who is resourceful, energetic, diplomatic and tries not to offend or create problems.”

Well, Paul is obviously an appalling judge of character, which brings me nicely to the point where I rip into my best mate and end our friendship in 10 minutes.

PAUSE

Paul and I go back about 10 long, long, long years. I seem to remember at the time, we were both recovering from heavy relationships. So, with a common interest at heart, we used to go dancing at weekends in the sunny seaside town of Blackpool. The sight of Paul in a tutu is picture to behold, believe me.

PAUSE

It was back then where he met his beautiful bride, Kath. In fact I seem to remember introducing Paul as ‘Here's me mate Paul, he's like the brother I never had’. Thinking back now with the amount of grief I get from him, it's more like the wife I never had.

PAUSE

Anyway, the romance blossomed… I could tell just how much of an impression Kath had made on him by the hundreds of miles he would drive to see his beloved in't hills of Blackburn.

Paul, being a white van driver believes he is king of the road. He's a totally different character when he is behind the wheel of his car. Now, a fact that I've recently found out (Thanks Brian, got your money here). A fact in all the years I've known Paul he's kept shtum about it. A fact, that it took him about 40 driving lessons to pass his test.

PAUSE

Now, it's debatable that this is because he not the sharpest knife in the drawer, or that it was because he was being, as HE likes to put it, thrifty. Saving money on petrol and insurance, and getting his mates to give him lifts everywhere.
The jury is out on that one…
PAUSE

However, I can remember a time when Paul was actually complimented on his driving! I know, it's hard to believe but it is true. Paul had returned to his car where he found a note stuck to his windscreen, it said, Parking, Fine… So that was nice.

PAUSE

The stag do at Rookin House Farm was a resounding success, which included amongst other things clay pigeon shooting. Paul managed to shoot far more clays than we ALL expected with a staggering 2 out of 12. He did fair much better at the archery…I think the green tights and feathered cap really seem to inspire him.
I wont mention you removing my bulls eyes when my back was turned as I totted up the score for the others.

PAUSE

Once we got into town and hit the bars there was no stopping him, straight onto the dance floor, rhythm and style being of little importance.

Back at the farm, it was time for the Kangaroo court! Am sure some of you have seen the photographs. For those who haven't, well, put a bottle of fast tan, 3 rolls of Clingfilm and a Labrador together and you may get the picture.

PAUSE
Paul once took a trip to Southport with his friends. He may remember being in the queue for the log flume. Everyone was wearing shorts, prepared for the soaking with the exception of Paul, who had his Jeans on.
“No problem”, Paul says. I've got boxer shorts on underneath. No one will no the difference. So he decides to take his jeans off.
Also queuing, behind was a girl, who sees Paul bending over and pulling his jeans down to reveal his boxer shorts on the wrong way round, open and winking.

PAUSE

Another incident has been relayed to me of the time he went to the south of France. There were 5, sharing a static caravan for 17 days… A basic affair and they all used to have to walk to the communal showers… that's, mixed communal showers…
One time there was a woman their already showering in one of the cubicles. So Paul in his usual mischievous way, climbed up onto the railing to watch this woman in front of his mates…
All the lads were splitting their sides laughing and Paul thought they were laughing at his mischief… but, Paul only had a towel wrapped around him at the time… and something slipped out as he watched on. (Hold pinky up…)
The smallest they've seen am told…

PAUSE

Now, there's more… Paul seems to have a fascination with artificial animal waste.

He must recall his Lion Bar trick.? Yes, I thought he might.
Ya see, on the same holiday, Paul buys a Lion bar, unwraps it, shoves it down his shorts and jumps in the pool.
Once in the middle, he takes it out, swims back and stands on the side, smugly watching the whole pool empty as the Lion bar bobs on top of the water.…
But he's not finished; once the pool is clear he promptly dives back in. Surfaces in front of the chocolate bar, takes it between his teeth and swims back.
Am sure you can imagine the reaction.

PAUSE

His fascination doesn't stop there… I remember a time we came back from Greece. Collecting your luggage from the carrousel at the end of your holiday is always a depressing occasion. So, Paul trots over to the start of the carrousel and places on it, a well proportioned curly fake dog doo.
I'll never forget the ripple of laughter and the faces of these people lighting up one by one, as the dog doo slowly made its marry way around the carousel.
What's more, I'll never forget the second ripple of laughter after it came back out of the baggage handlers with a baggage tag attached to it.

PAUSE

There's plenty more stories I could relay, but I feel I should go easy a little. If you could say three things that have been said about Paul. They would have to be that:
He's a devoted parent.
He's very house proud.
He's a great provider for his family.

PAUSE

Now if I could say three things that have never been said about Paul, they are.
He's extremely good at football.
He's never have piles.
He loves spending money.

This leads me onto some wise words from Groucho Marx who said:
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

Am sure Paul will disagree.

PAUSE

Before I finish I would like to ask Paul and Kath to Participate in the speech now. Kath if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table . . .
Paul, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Kaths. . .

I hope that you are enjoying that Paul as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand.

PAUSE

Moving on to a few cards and excuses.
(Excuses – Read Cards)

Pauls’ Friend John – Sorry I couldn't be there today, but I wasn't invited! Please send a picture of the Bride & Groom mounted anyway!

From the The Cagagoogoo look a like fan club. They would like to extend their best wishes to Paul and Kath.
I've a card from Pauls ex.. can't make it today but school doesn't finish till 4pm.

There is a message here for Paul;
This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips

From Bob – Best Wishes. It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows little about women or fractions.

PAUSE

On a more serious note, Paul, you have been a true friend ever since I've known you. Opened my eyes to many things and really have been like a brother to me. It has been the greatest honour to be your best man.

I'd like to close with some comforting words for Kath, a Quote from Oscar Wilde:
‘The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she, took him’

Closing toast

Could you now all please stand and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.

And would you all please remain standing, and joining me in a toast to the happy couple, Mr and Mrs Roche

To the newlyweds: May ‘for better or worse’ be far better than worse.