Speech by David McLean

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David McLean
Speech Date: Jul2007
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and freeloaders.

I would just like to start by thanking Paul on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words I'm sure you will all agree that they have done a fantastic job today and look beautiful. They have only been outshone and rightly so by our stunning bride Leigh.

I'm sure all the men here today will agree it's a sad day and a great loss that Leigh is now officially off the market, and ladies I'm sure you will agree that today has passed without so much as a ripple regarding Paul.

I must say though Paul for once you are actually looking HOT….… although I wonder who you copied your outfit from.

I would also like to thank both the Page Boy Ben and Usher Johnny who have done a marvellous job. In particular Johnny whose ushering skills were amazing…………………….especially with the rough crowd we have here today.

When I was trying to write this speech, I wanted to make sure that I didn't let it drag on and bore you all, after asking around I was advised that it is customary to make it last the same length of time as it takes the groom to make love……… but as I would have already went over my time by doing so, I went against that advice and decided to relate it to a mini skirt: short enough to keep you all interested but long enough to cover the essentials.

Now if anyone has ever been a Best Man before I'm sure you will appreciate how nerve racking it is, This is my first time and I want to make sure I do Paul proud, especially as he has promised me that if I do a good job today I can be Best man at his next wedding………….… As I said it really is nerve racking for me today trying to fulfil this role, Paul however is now relaxed as the hard bit for him is over with, however he was feeling nervous earlier today, and I have proof of just how nervous he was give him the brick here mate you left this in the toilet earlier.

It is traditional that I as best man tell you all the stories about our
groom's sexual conquests among other things, well I promised Paul and Leigh I wouldn't do that today and if there is anything in this speech that they find the least bit risqu&#233, ……………………………..I would whip it straight out for them.

When growing up with Paul I always looked up to him thinking that he was an intelligent, level headed guy, however I unfortunately learned the hard way that this was not always the case. On the way home from primary school one day we were waiting on the bus. The 2 of us ended up bursting. I knew that I wouldn't make it home so I said to Paul we can nip back across to the school and use the toilet… Paul being Paul didn't want to miss the bus that incidentally came every 5 minutes instead he came up with the cunning plan that we could just pee into the bushes at the Vicky Bowling club. He assured me that no-one would see us and after the deed was done we got on the bus and Paul had the “see I told you so look” on his face. That look was soon wiped off his face around ten past nine the next morning when we were hauled up in front of the whole school. Little did we know Mrs Henderson the assistant head was stopped at the lights getting a good old swatch at Paul and me in all our glory. Cheers for that one mate.

I wouldn't want to say our groom is totally useless but there was this one particular occasion when we were on our way home from a night out with the lads , we were the last to head home and en route we felt a bit peckish, so we stopped at our old faithful the Exeter chippy and both ordered a pizza, when Paul's was ready he was asked 𔄜 or 8 slices son?”, to my utter disbelief he replied “better make it 4, I wont manage to eat the 8”, after I picked myself back up from laughing I spent 10 minutes trying to explain to him that the pizza is the same size regardless of how many slices it is cut into.

I know were having a bit of a laugh at Paul's expense but deep down he is a thoughtful guy and he has confided in me that he has been trying to
understand the proper meaning of everything regarding this wedding ceremony and I must admit he has done really well researching everything from the rings to vows, but there was one thing he couldn't work out and he asked me about it last night. He sat me down and asked me “why is it that Leigh is wearing a White dress, I read that it is a sign of the Virgin bride but that just cant be right”, what Paul meant by that I don't know but what I was able to explain to him is the proper reason for brides wearing white and as all the men know it is simply because all good domestic appliances come in white.

Just a quick word to George and Irene I'm sure you must be very proud of
your little girl on her special day, and I bet you were even reminiscing of years gone by went you sent her to bed with a dummy………………….it's amazing how history can repeat itself !!!!!

So just to reassure you of the sort of man you have let your daughter marry.

I went round all the friends and family here today to get their thoughts on Paul so allow me to read some of them out:

The best friend a guy can have that's mine
Thoughtful, Caring, Trusting, Charismatic all very kind words
Round and Hairy that came from a table near the back thanks for that
I only heard a few bad comments and I think its only fair I read these too
Lazy, Stubborn, Selfish, Rude

I thought hold on that's a bit harsh not entirely untrue but unnecessary
for a Best mans speech…..but then again if his parents don't know him who does.

I am almost at the end of my speech now yes I know thank goodness you say, ….As a married man I would like to give the newly weds some advice:

Leigh: Remember men are like tiled floors……………………………..… Lay them right first time and you can spend years walking all over them.

Paul: Firstly set the ground rules and establish whose boss……….… Then do
everything Leigh says.

The best way to remember your anniversary……………..… is to forget it once.

Its important to get on with your Mother in Law, I haven't spoken to mine in two years not because I don't like her, I just think its rude to interrupt.

And lastly remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in a church to get married and only a couple of words mumbled in your sleep to get
divorced.

I hope Paul and Leigh have a wonderful time on their honeymoon in North
Wales…………………..… well I think that's where there going as when I asked Paul what they were doing for the honeymoon he said he was going on Bangor for a fortnight. Paul just so you know the honeymoon period is the bit between I do and you'd better.

Well folks I'm sure you will agree it has been an emotional day so much so even the cake is in tiers.

Seriously though Paul you have been a great friend to me over the years and it has been an honour and a privilege being your best man today, you have also given me another great friend in Leigh and I wish you all the luck, wealth, health and happiness for your future together.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen: if you could be upstanding and raise your glasses in joining me for the toast.

To the new Mr and Mrs O'Hagan

Paul and Leigh