Speech by David Pearce

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Pearce
Speech Date: Aug 2001
BEST MAN'S SPEECH

Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name is David. I'm sure you'll all agree its been a fantastic day so far, but every silver lining has a cloud and you now have to listen to me. On behalf of all the bridesmaids I would just like to thank Martin for his kind words. Can I say what a great job they've all done today and add how wonderful they are looking. The same must also be said about Kelly. I think she looks absolutely stunning. And Martin, well he just looks absolutely stunned.

I'd like to begin by thanking Martin for asking me to be best man. I'd also like to thank Kelly for allowing Martin to ask me. I've found out over the past few months that being asked to be a best man is very similar to being asked to sleep with the Queen Mother. Its a real honour, but deep down, nobody actually wants to do it.

Now apparently a best man should be reliable, loyal and trustworthy. The only reason I can think of why Martin asked me, is that he wanted someone who would make him look good in the wedding photos ! When handed the task I was told my main duties were to ensure that, the groom arrived, a) on time (just about), b) in a sober state (for the moment anyway) and c) smartly dressed (well, two out of three's not bad) !!

I thought I'd better take my role seriously, so I actually did some research to help me. I delved into the history books to see what else has happened on August 11th in the past. As most of you here will probably recall, its two years exactly since the eclipse of the Sun, when the skies darkened over the South West of England !!

However, I think the much more interesting fact is what happened on August 11th 1934. That was the day on which the famous Alcatraz prison, in San Francisco harbour, accepted its first inmates. Young men were taken away from their families to Alcatraz where they led a life of solitary confinement from which there was no escape. They were endlessly tortured, humiliated constantly and basically forced to do whatever their masters wanted. I'm sure that Kelly picking the day was a complete co-incidence….!!

The best man's speech usually involves a collection of hilarious stories about the groom's past. I've got plenty of stories, but the unfortunate thing is not one of them would be fit for me to mention. However, my memory tends to improve with alcohol, so if you catch me in the bar later, you never know what I might remember. I know its also traditional for the best man to mention the number of ex-girlfriends that the groom has had. But I don't want to get into all that, I think its vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say, 41 turned out to be your lucky number after all.…

Anyway, for those of you present that might not know Martin as well, I will try to give you a potted history of the man himself.

He was born on the 5th March 1977 with a full head of black hair. I'm not sure at exactly what point in his early years that he was unfortunate enough to turn ginger. I missed out on the early years of Martin's life, as I didn't have the pleasure of meeting him until we started secondary school. Although I didn't know Martin at primary school, I am reliably informed he was "an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects". Sorry, that should read, "an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects"..…

At secondary school, we were in many of the same classes which is how we came to know each other. This was also the time in Martin's life when his hair resembled an ‘afro’ style. However, this wasn't actually deliberate, but just very unfortunate. Martin was actually a very intellectual pupil, its just a shame he devoted most of his thinking to everything apart from his school work. I've actually managed to get hold of a few of Martin's school reports which make very interesting reading…

Maths – Although very keen, Martin has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres !! (I hope that's not still true, Kelly) !

Music – Martin takes a very hands-on approach to music, but I wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band, rather than with himself !!

After leaving school we both went to St Austell College, and we also got jobs in the local Asda supermarket. Martin was a very highly respected member of staff at Asda and his nickname was God. He was very rarely seen and if he did any work it was an absolute miracle.…

It was in 1996 when Martin met the woman of his dreams, but unfortunately she didn't feel the same way. However, just a couple of months later he was lucky enough to meet Kelly.…

We all knew it was different straight away when Martin met Kelly. She was a definite influence on his life straight from the start and they quickly grew as a couple, announcing their engagement in December 1996, just eight months after they met. Kelly is perfect for Martin and she can be described so easily in just six words – beautiful, charming, intelligent, Southern Comfort & Coke. Since those early days I've watched Martin grow from being a lanky, tall, spotty teenager…..into a lanky, tall, spotty adult.

A bit of advice for you Martin, this is something well worth remembering. This is the definition for the word argument, "A discussion that occurs when she's right, but you just haven't realised it yet." I'm sure all the married men here will agree with that one.

Anyway Martin, you're a very lucky man. You've got Kelly, she's caring, generous, loving, intelligent and funny. And Kelly, you've got Martin, he's……well you've got Martin.

Read out cards (normal ones, plus the following)…

a) Kelly, we have tried Martin in every position and found him to be useless in all of them. Hope you have more luck than us. That's from the lads at football !!

b) Kelly, I can't help thinking what might have been, Love Robbie Williams !!

c) Martin, I can't help thinking what might have been, Love Robbie Williams !!

d) Fax from the ******** hotel in Fuerteventura, where you will be spending your honeymoon. Congratulations to you both on this special day. We very much look forward to making your stay a special and memorable one. Don't worry if there is some delay on your arrival, we are putting something on for you…..the roof.

e) I'll leave the key under the back doormat, love the Queen Mother (Oh sorry that's one of mine, how did that get in there) !!

If you could now join me in a toast to some very important people, without whom the day just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure we will all get a chance to talk to them at some stage of the evening and to share this special day with them. So, if you could join me in a toast……to the bar staff !!

Seriously and ending on a more sincere note, I'd like to say that Martin & Kelly are just so right for each other, they make a great couple and I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm sure everybody present here today agrees. So, Ladies & Gentlemen, please join me in a toast to Martin & Kelly, the new Mr & Mrs *******.