Speech by David Phillips

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Phillips
Speech Date: oct 2004
Ladies & Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me my name is David and I'm Andrew's stepbrother

As this is a truly international occasion, in the words of the inimitable Joel Gray in Cabaret: “Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome.” (or was that David Frost?)

First of all I'd like to thank Andrew for asking me to be his Best Man, and say how honoured I am to be here.

It also falls to me to respond on behalf of all those who have already been mentioned in dispatches, today, which I gladly do.

One or two observations on the day so far:

I think you'll all agree with me that Anna looks absolutely lovely.

It's a good thing Anna came by car today, as she seems to be having enough trouble with one train.

Andrew, as is customary, couldn't bring himself to wear a tie – although the rest of us have had to – but the very artistic cravat does suit him, don't you think?

It occurs to me that one of the great things about a wedding is that it's one of the few occasions when three men are allowed to get up and speak without being interrupted by their womenfolk.

When I mentioned to friends that I was to be Best Man at Andrew and Anna's wedding, I was asked if Anna would be taking the traditional vows. I said I understood it was to be quite a modern ceremony, but which vows in particular?

The reply came: “Will Anna be promising to love, honour, and annoy?”

How They Met
I'd like to start with how Andrew and Anna met……………or rather, how they didn't meet.

It was at Rick and Alice's wedding in July 2000. Alice is Anna's best friend and Andrew and Rick were work colleagues.

Andrew and Anna both attended the wedding, but their memories of one another are a bit hazy. Anna remembers a silhouette of a tall chap at the bar………..and Andrew………..well, Andrew doesn't remember anything.

In September of that year Rick and Alice invited Andrew to go on a blind date at a restaurant called Ba-Ba's……….and he went – like a lamb to the slaughter, and Andrew & Anna met properly for the first time.

A little while later they went to a pub called The White Horse where an England football match was showing so that they had something to fill any embarrassing silences. However, as it happens, Anna managed to distract him so that they missed the entire match and can't even remember who the other team was.

After that it took Andrew five days to pluck up the courage to phone Anna (he claims he didn't want to appear too eager, or did he say desperate?)

So they went for a drink (is there a recurring theme here?) and then disappeared for the weekend to get over the shock – Andrew's excuse was that he was attending Bjorn and Ellie's wedding.

When he'd got over the hangover……….he still couldn't face Anna immediately, but they managed to get it together and met the following week and the rest is history.

Engagement

Andrew and Anna finally became engaged on New Year's Eve 2002………after an argument – they couldn't agree on who would drive to the restaurant.

Andrew thought about popping the question in the restaurant, but was distracted by food, so in true romantic fashion he proposed to Anna in the drive when they got home.

Once again the shock was too much for him, so much so that he failed to get up to go to lunch with Anna's parents on New Year's Day.

That reminds me of another occasion when Andrew was distracted by food (another recurring theme?), this time at the Cambridge Folk Festival.

A group of us arrived at the festival site on the Saturday morning and Andrew, as usual hadn't bothered with breakfast and so was feeling a little peckish.

He toured the various food outlets and had trouble making up his mind what to eat, so he started with a plate full of noodles. Well noodles fill you up for a while, but he was soon in need of further sustenance and this time he went for the Jerk chicken.

That didn't last long either and he gradually worked his way through all the foods of the world, finishing off with curried goat from the Jamaican stall.

I should also add that each course was punctuated not with the customary sorbet, but with pints of Guinness.

He couldn't understand why later that evening his stomach was undergoing what seemed like some sort of volcanic eruption. Some of you may know how unsavoury festival loos can be…………..anyway, the following morning he steeled himself for one more visit and then took a taxi home.

I'd like to move on now to the times into which Andrew and Anna were born:

Andrew was born in the year that the VW Beetle became the biggest selling car ever, and that the Mr Men books were first published – his reading today is slightly more advanced.

Anna came into the world just early enough that she can claim to have lived in the Elvis Presley era….… for a few weeks anyway, and also when Red Rum was still at the top of his form.

Before I finish, I would like to offer some advice for a happy and successful marriage:

Andrew,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it……..… Whenever you're right, shut up.

Road maps are a good thing.

Women really do need a pair of shoes for every outfit.

A husband's most important words should always be “you're right, dear” and “OK buy it”.

Anna – the following tips come from a 1950s book entitled The Good Wives Guide

When Andrew comes home from work, greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to see him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.

I'd also like to read you this short verse:

The glances over cocktails
That seemed to be so sweet
Don't seem quite so amorous
Over the Shredded Wheat

I know that you will all join me in wishing them every happiness in their new life together, but before we toast them formally, there is one final piece of advice on what makes a successful marriage:

Remember, Andrew, that it is up to you to make all the important decisions……..but it is up to you, Anna, to decide which the important decisions are.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Andrew and Anna.