Speech by David Quincy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Quincy
Speech Date: dec 2003
Sumo's speech 22/03/2003

I knew it would be difficult to follow a speech by Mark. And I was right; I didn't follow a bloody word of it.
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, for those of you who don't know me my name is David and I've known Mark for about 15 years. On behalf of the Bridesmaids, Samantha, Anna and Lauren, I'd like to thank Mark for his kind words. I think you'll all agree that they look absolutely lovely. At this point I would also like to say that Sharon looks stunning today, as for Mark he just looks stunned!! Today's proceedings have certainly been emotional…I noticed the cake was in tiers earlier.
In preparing this speech a wise old man told me it should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love.
Thank you very much and I hope you all have a great night!!!!!!!! (Sit down)
It is nice to see you all today on this joyous occasion, I was expecting to see some of Mark's ex-girlfriend's here, however, Sharon told me that due to the foot and mouth crisis of a few years back many of them have either been shot or incinerated.
I first met Mark through our mutual love of the Lindum Cricket Club. Where as I fell in love with the finer intricacies of the beautiful game, Mark simply loved the teas. It was around this time that Mark was infamously christened ‘Sumo’ by his cricketing colleagues Many presumed that this was due to the ample poundage that he carried around his waist. What most people don't know however is that it was actually a fondness for wearing nappies that earned him the title. Hopefully, now Mark is married he will be able to bring this sorry chapter of his life to close.
Many cricketers throughout the county who know Mark as Sumo would be amazed to hear that we are gathered here today celebrating his marriage to Sharon. It's fair to say that Mark does have a reputation throughout the county for his over enthusiasm whilst playing the game. His screams and groans for LBW have become legendary around the many county grounds and have spoilt many a quiet summer afternoon for local residents living near by. I am sure those howls of delight and screams of HOWZAT will be heard along the corridors of the Tower hotel tonight eh Sumo!! Hopefully Sharon won't be demanding the covers be pulled back on.
Probably Marks finest hour whilst playing for the Lindum came at an away match at North Runcton. Mark was opening the bowling and I was fielding at slip behind the opposition batsmen. As Sumo ran into bowl his trouser elastic, which had been working above and beyond the call of duty for the whole summer finally gave up the fight and his trousers proceeded to fall down to his knees. Now the sight of Sumo charging at you from 25 yards with his trousers rounds his knees is actually quite a frightening sight as I'm sure Sharon will discover later on tonight!! Mark went off the field of play, found a woman who was able to repair his trousers, came back and took 8-22 and as usual became the hero of the day!!
For those of you who know Mark very well you may well recall the infamous wilderness years of 95-98, these were the 3 years he went out with Stella and her best friend Artois. Down the years many famous rock stars and sporting heroes have gone on legendary month long benders fuelled with alcohol, hard drugs and fast women. Sumo's bender lasted 3 years, involved 1 pub, no women, copious amounts of stella artois, crisps, darts, dominoes and crib. Meeting Sharon brought Mark back from the abyss and changed him dramatically, he stopped playing crib!!
Any best mans speech could not be complete without a story from the Stag night!!! Early February saw Mark and 9 companions descend upon the city of Nottingham for a weekend of fun, frolics and debauchery and god was there some. Pictures are available upon request. Lets just say Sumo drank a lot, ate a lot and …er…ate a lot!!. Those of us who witnessed the events of the night are sworn to secrecy, Law of the Stag and all that. It was a night like no other, I personally have never been lucky enough to go on a Safari, but a few wildebeests were spotted that night and one of them became supper for one of the party. (Look at Sumo)
As is traditional at this stage in a best man's speech I have a few messages to read out from friends and family who, unfortunately could not be here today.
To Mark – – We could have been so good together – – Love Jessica (Liberty X).
To Sharon – – We could have been so good together – – Love Martina Nav.
Mark & Sharon – – Hope you have a fantastic day, and thanks for all the good times you have given us, lots of love from your friends at Threshers, Burton Road.
Strugglers Football Club – – We found Mark to be useless in every position; hope Sharon has better luck!
Finally, before I make the toasts, I feel it is my duty as Best man to pass on a few words of wisdom to the newly married couple:
Sharon: men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.
On the other hand, Mark, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh and fruity and intoxicating for the mind. Then they turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary. Then they give you a headache.
So if you'll all join me and charge your glasses to the most important people here today, without whom there wouldn't be such an occasion, Ladies and Gentleman, The Bar Staff.
Right, time to be serious… Mark you are truly one of life's good guys, everyone who knows you love's you. I am proud to be your best man and even prouder to be able to call you my best mate.
Finally, it gives me great pleasure and not to mention immense relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses and join me in wishing you both health happiness and a wonderful life together.
The new Mr & Mrs Evans, Mark and Sharon.