Speech by David Robinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Robinson
Speech Date: 09/01/2014 02:36:55

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls, if there is anybody here today feeling nervous, worried or apprehensive your either me because I am or you've just married Phil cooper!!! For those of you who don't know me my name is Dave “would you buy me a pint” Robinson and if you can use my full title whilst at the bar I'd be very grateful! I hope you are all enjoying what so far has been a fantastic wedding celebration , lib you look amazing and stunning as ever were as you Phil just look stunned!! Congratulations to you both on what's been a very emotional day even the cake is in tiers!!!(sorry) I was a bit concerned that after Phil made his cross dressing tendencies so public during his stag weekend, that lib might have some competition today. (hold up picture of nurses outfit) But given the formal nature of the occasion, I am pleased to see, Phil you've decided to copy my outfit rather than Libs. On a serious note its an absolute honour today to be best man for Phil who is more like a brother to me than a best mate, he is a top bloke and I know he will always look after you lib and you will have a great life together. I'd like to thank Phil for his kind words about the bridesmaids, I'm sure you will all agree how fantastic they look, and I'd like to thank them for getting lib ready and here on time!!! It's the usual tradition for the best man to dish the dirt on the groom and offer a bit of advice, unlike most best man who are childhood friends or brothers Phil and I only met about 10 years ago whilst working together so dishing the dirt has deemed a bit more difficult than I first thought. While preparing my speech I found out that I was supposed to sing the grooms praises and tell you about his good points, but i can't sing and I won't lie!!!!! really in preparation I had an evening with Phil's mum, dad and sister to gain some evidence and props!!! So here goes:- Some of you may know that Phil in his younger days was a bit of a long haired lover!! (lift photo of Phil with long hair) his mum also told me he liked the long haired stray dogs he brought home too!! Anyone that knows Phil, knows he's a private kind of guy but given the opportunity he is happy to pose for a photo. If you look in the envelope on you table you will see what I mean!! Lynda told me that Phil was always a good lad and kept himself to himself, until one day he had a brush with the law. For those of you don't know, Phil has a very healthy relationship with the toilet, he once suddenly decided he needed to go and started speeding home but when the blue flashing lights started following him Phil knew he couldn't stop, while all this was unfolding Lynda and Alan where just having a quiet night in watching the TV when all of a sudden the back flung open and Phil ran up the stairs with the police in hot pursuit, Phil just carried on into the bathroom leaving the police officer outside the door!!!! Lynda was met by another police officer who she awkwardly offered a cup of tea too!! While the officer confirmed Phil's hasty driving was for a reason , needless to say, as he had flushed away all the evidence he was cautioned for wasting police time !!! Having been married for 13 years myself I feel I can offer Phil some words of advice on marital bliss:- Always remember these three words “YOUR RIGHT DEAR” and never forget these 2 golden rules number One is that the wife is always right and number two is that when you feel she isn't right slap yourself and read rule number 1 ! These are a few extracts from the males guide to female English:- Do you love me – she wants something expensive Ill be ready in a minute – put the kettle on We need to talk – I want to nag We need – I want I think all of you know what's meant to happen on the wedding night between the bride the groom. But unfortunately Phil you've lucked out as I've just seen lib ask the waiter for some paracetamol!!!! Hopefully though her headache will have passed by tonight so I've got you a few gifts for your first night of unbridled passion!!!! For lib a pair of edible pants in case you get peckish in the night!! And for Phil, we all know how you like to drink so if the worst happens and you get the droop then take two of these once every hour and you should be ok! But if that fails to work then these should fit the job!!! Now for the serious part of proceeding there has been an overwhelming amount of cards and telegrams sent today so I've selected the best ones! Dear Phil, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool. I do hope you've made the right choice! All the best Michael Barrymore! Dear lib, We could have been so good together, give me a call if he goes of the boil!! Love always Michael buble  (Read a 2 cards, one of sue and 1 other) I've spent the last few weeks worrying about this speech but the point only came to me yesterday and that is, nobody else could stand here today and feel more proud and honoured than me to represent Phil on this the most important day of his life, I have to say this once again he is more of a brother to me than a friend ! That's about all from me now so it just leaves me to invite you to stand and raise you're glasses! May you live as long as you like, and have all that you like for as long as you live. And I hope your love will be modern enough to survive and old fashioned enough to last forever!! TO LIBBY AND PHIL THE BRIDE AND GROOM!!