Speech by David Segal

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Segal
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen. In the interests of self-preservation I've removed anything that could upset Terry from this speech……………Thank you very much and good afternoon. (I make as if to sit down)

Firstly, on behalf of the Maid of Honour and bridesmaids I'd like to thank the bridegroom for his kind words and generous gifts. I think we can all agree that they have done an absolutely amazing job today. – How about a round of applause?

It's great for me to do this job today because after all these years Terry has finally admitted that I am the Best Man.
The downside is that I've only had 2 pints of beer at a time when I could do with ten.

Now you'll all expect me to have alot of fun at Terry's expense, but after all the expense he's had already I'd better keep it to a minimum.

Seriously though, one of the duties of the best man is to sing the groom's praises and tell everyone about Terry's good points. The problem is, one, I can't sing and, two, he hasn't got any good points except for being generous, kind-hearted, good natured and good looking. By the way Terry – thanks for the Rolex.

I first met Terry at Primary School – to me he was the strange boy with a patch on his glasses and to him, I later learned, I was the “spoilt kid with the electronics sets.”
Suffice to say we never really gelled and when I changed schools I didn't see him again for ten years.
We met for the second time at a party and since he had lost the glasses and patch and I my electronics sets it soon became clear that we had a great deal in common ALCOHOL, ALCOHOL and even more ALCOHOL.

Unfortunately alcohol hasn't always ageed with Terry who can be seen here trying to do an Ermintrude impression after a skin full. –(HOLD UP PICTURE OF TERRY LOOKING DRUNK WITH A FLOWER IN HAIR)

Apart from alcohol I found that another love of Terry's was cars – he started driving at the tender age of sixteen when he soon discovered that it was impossible to drive at sixty miles an hour around the tight curve of his street in a rover metro. Needless to say the police reminded him that you needed to be seventeen to hold a drivers licence.

We wasted no time in keeping Terry and his new car safely in the drive. –(HOLD UP POSTER SIZE PICTURE OF A WALL THAT WE BUILT IN FRONT OF HIS DRIVE)

This is Terry telling us exactly what he thinks of the wall we built across his drive. (HOLD UP POSTER SIZE PICTURE OF TERRY FLIPPING “THE BIRD”)

As you probably know Terry is an accountant and he's certainly shown his head for figures by choosing Katrina as his wife.

In fact Terry is so quick with figures he manages to work only six months of the year which leaves the other six months free for holidays with Katrina. Tough life being an accountant eh Terry

Some, sorry ALL of you must be wondering how a nice girl like Katrina came to marry Terry.

Well, they first met when she came to view a car that Terry was selling.

The car didn't make an impression, but Terry certainly did and no less than three whole years later a letter arrived on Terry's doormat that was to change his life.

It was his six-month speeding ban. Oops sorry Terry – wrong letter!

Actually it was a letter from Katrina asking if Terry would like to meet her for a drink.

I can vividly remember him phoning me up and it wasn't the usual grumpy brusque “accountant Terry” on the end of the phone – it was a Terry with a new lease of life.

After he met her there was no let up in his excitement all he talked about was her long blonde hair, her beautiful looks and the thing that Terry like most in a girl – her beautiful big …..… blue eyes!

I'm not sure how she managed to recognise him on their first date. After all he was now a good few pounds heavier and had rather less hair than three years earlier but fortunately she did AND WHAT A GOOD JOB SHE DID because I've never seen him so happy.

He was especially keen to be dating a Virgin Girl but even when I explained that being a Virgin Girl actually meant that she worked for Virgin Airlines his excitement didn't diminish.

In fact they haven't looked back since.

Terry she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one!
Seriously though Terry, you are a lucky groom; you've got Katrina. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.
And Katrina, you've got…………..Terry and if he can be half the friend to you that he has been to me then you've got it made.
Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of Terry and Katrina the morning after the wedding night. Terry will call down to their hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.
The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs ******* might want something more substantial.
To which Terry will probably reply
"I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

Before I finish, I'd like to ask Terry and Katrina to participate in the speech.
Katrina if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…right Terry, if you can put your hand directly on top of Katrina's…Enjoying that Terry? Make the most of it because it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.
And here is something for Katrina to consider:
A: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
B: A dog only takes a couple of months to train!
Katrina, remember that us men are like fine wine………we all start out a bit like grapes and its your job to stamp on us until we mature into something that you wouldn't mind having dinner with.

Cards
From Terry's friend Julian – Best wishes to you both. P.S. Terry, it's been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.
Richard Branson – All the best for the future. Sorry I couldn't be there today, but I wasn't invited.
From Terry's friend Julian – Best wishes to you both. P.S. Terry, it's been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.
West Hull Rugby Team – We've found Terry to be useless in every position; hope Katrina has better luck.

(On that note I think it's time for the toasts)

Please be upstanding and charge your glasses.

Please join me in a toast to the Brides and Grooms parents without whome this day would have been impossible.

The toast is “the Parents.”

I'd like everone to remain standing for a toast to all those people who couldn't be here today to celebrate Katrinas and Terrys wedding.
The toast is “To Absent Friends.”

And finally it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to join me in a toast to the bride and groom.

The toast is “Mr and Mrs *******.”

Now I'm off the the bar for a well deserved drink.