Speech by David Shepherd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Shepherd
Speech Date: Aug 2001
It is my very great honour to be here today as Andrews best man, although being Best Man is probably the most terrifying ordeal you could inflict on anyone – I can assure you all that this is not the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

I relaxed a bit when I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding ring and getting the father of the bride back to his tent on the stag night was a duty to spend a few minutes at the reception getting my own back on Andrew.
Not one to shun my duties ….here goes……

I was going to serenade Andrew with a heartfelt rendition of Lady in Red, as I know it's always been his favourite, but I couldn't find anyone to do the backing track. So I've had to resort to the traditional Best Mans speech.

A wise man once said that being asked to be the Best Man is like making love to the Queen Mother….it'd be a great honour, but nobody really wants to do it.

On the only serious note of this speech, I'd like to say thankyou to the bridesmaids, Emily and Rosie, both a picture to behold.

Also, the Farther of the bride – looking resplendent, something that couldn't be said for him at 5am last Saturday Morning! The security Guard at Newquay Holiday Parks will testify to that!

It's customary for the Best Man to tell a few embarrassing stories, so who am I to deny custom?

As you know, Andrew fancies himself as a bit of a scientist. This interest in science began at a remarkably early age. He nearly burnt my Mums kitchen down when trying to make and fly a hot air balloon INDOORS. To this day My Mum still thinks it was an accident with a toffee pan that ruined her carpet.

Andrew, as my Mum will tell you, was always quick to think of an answer – Like the time him & Claire were pulled over by the Police for erratic driving. Lets just say they weren't concentrating on the road. A bit of swift talking and he'd managed to convince the officers he was knackered and suffering from exhaustion -It's a good job they didn't have all the cameras back then or we might have seen them as the stars of Police, Camera Action!

Also there was the time Mum, ever concerned for her apparently wayward son asked if he'd been taking drugs, Andrews reply? Where to?
He didn't turn out bad though did he Mum?

He also tried the smart arse routine with teachers at school but came a bit unstuck.
Once he was caught altering the lettering on a history of banking poster , when asked his name he replied peter bagshaw sir. Teachers reply "your not peter bagshaw he's in my f**kin maths class". Teaching's come on a bit since then, apart from if you're in our Tonys’ class!

Andrew always fancied himself as a practical Joker, so I hope for all of us who've suffered, that I'm getting a little bit of our own back now.

I remember coming back from being dumped by my girlfriend one weekend to find Andrew, who I'd loaned my digs and concert tickets to, had decided to turn everything in my room upside down, including the bed, and cover the lot with talcum powder. Tears of joy flowed down my cheeks I can tell you.

I'm sure Rich can also back me up in applauding Andrews sense of humour. Whilst staying with rich on York University campus, surrounded by beautiful grounds filled with lakes and wildfowl, Andrew left a trail of bread crumbs leading to Richards kitchen and let all the geese in who promptly shat everywhere leaving Rich to go spare.

Anyway, less about Andrew and more about the happy couple

Andrew & Claire first met about 300 years ago on the back of the college bus. He was the only eligible bachelor amongst us, so there wasn't much competition.
After college they both eloped to University in Leicester. I tried to think of an abiding memory, but that period was all a bit of a blur for me – too much studying or something?
I do vaguely remember that during that period Andrew took a peculiar turn in his fashion sense. Not only did he start wearing eyeliner but also for some reason he wore my white Sainsburys bakers hat for an entire summer as a fashion item.

I asked around everyone else who was there at the time for any other recollections, but still no joy – so I'll skip 4 years or so.

PhD's came next for the 2 Doctors. The distance between Leicester & Norwich was no match for the inseparable duo.

During this period Andrew began his jet set lifestyle, starting with a trip to Zimbabwe. He came back with stomach pains and somehow managed to get admitted to the quarantined section of the hospitals infectious diseases unit. It wasn't until they found out he'd just got a bad case of the trots, and unlike Claire, they really didn't have to put up with his stinking arse, that the nurses suddenly changed their sympathetic tone.

The eternal students then graduated, topping the trees of achievement in both families. After living the idyllic life in their Hansel & Gretal cottage they opted for the big smoke, dipping their toes in the property market of the SouthEast. That just about brings us up to date.

Now I've told you a bit about Andrew & how he & Claire got through the last 12 years, I suppose the only thing left out is the stag weekend in Newquay.
Suffice to say the "Stag do" was a great success, mostly due to the superb organisation of the weekend.
Unfortunately the law of the stag prevails, so if you weren't there and happen to be female, I'm sorry but it's more than my life's worth.
You wouldn't want to know anyway, it was a bit of a quiet event.
All I remember was margaritas, a pub called Senior Dicks, Mikes walkabout (that was the name of the cub wasn't it?), someone skinny dipping and ingenious colour fertilising of the campsites floral displays. Oh yes, and there was a rather unfortunate incident with a Security Guard. So from all that I guess you could say…..… the surf was good.

Another customary theme of the Best Mans speech is to offer words of wisdom to the happy couple, to help them along the road towards true marital bliss, so here goes-

Andrew, remember, never to swear at your wife if there are ladies present…
Also-the three magic words….”You're right dear”.…

Claire – remember that Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
Andrew– on the other hand, Women are also like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

Well, I started planning this speech three days a go, and you all probably feel like I've been delivering it for just as long, so it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief to ask you all to stand now, and join me in a toast to the happy couple,
May your joy be everlasting, and may your pain . . . be champagne . . .

Andrew & Claire

Thank you- I can have a drink now!!

Before I finish off, no doubt to the relief of all, I heard a small joke the other day that really bought home the true meaning of married bliss:
‘A father and his young lad are walking through’ the chemists and the boy picks up a packet of condoms and asks “Dad, Dad..what are these” and the father explains.
Then the boy asks “But Dad, why do they come in packs of 3, 6 and 12”.
His father replies, “the packs of 3 are for teenage boys, they use one on the Friday night, one on the Saturday night and one on the Sunday. The packs of 6 are for lads in their 20s-they'll use 2 on the Friday night, 2 on the Saturday night and 2 again on the Sunday. The packs of 12 are for married men, they use one in January, one in February…….’