Speech by David Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Taylor
Speech Date: Oct2004
Can you all here me up the back?

I'll have a pint of lager then.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen: it's been a superb day so far, however every silver lining has a cloud, and it's just about to become overcast.

For those of you that don't know me I'm your best man for the day and my name is David, my full name is David would you like a drink, so please call me by my full name throughout the night.

I thought following a speech by Dougie would be really difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word.

Being asked to be the best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the queen. It's a great honor but I'd rather someone else was doing it.

On behalf of the bridesmaid and the usher I would like to thank Dougie for his kind words, why they couldn't thank him themselves, I don't know.

This is actually the second wedding I've been to this year. The first one was in a nudist colony and I came……… within half an inch of being the best man at that one as well.

I didn't know much about being a best man so I read a book which said, the best mans speech should last as long as it takes the groom to perform his manly duties in the bedroom. So with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.

Sit down and take a drink

What is a wedding?

I've often wondered what it was all about and it wasn't until today that it finally hit home. The reason for that is Dougie and I were coming into the Lochgreen Hotel today and a small crowd had gathered and I overheard two young kids talking. One said to the other, what is a wedding. And the other kid said I'm not really sure but I think it is some kind of swapping ceremony. The other one said what do you mean a swapping ceremony. And the other one said well a young good looking lady goes into the Wedding with an auld wrinkly man and half an hour later she comes back out with a young good looking one. I don't know where Audrey went wrong today.

Just when we are on the subject of auld and wrinkly.

Mr. Gilmour asked me earlier on today if I could do him a favor. I don't know how to say this as it's quite embarrassing. As you know Dougie has been working away from home and Mr. Gilmour suspects for want of a better word a “midnight caller” has been visiting Audrey in the middle of the night. The problem is they've been spotted here today! Now that they are married Mr. Gilmour would like this person to return the key to Dougie immediately. Thank you.

My own wedding

At my own wedding I saw my father talking to the minister and I went up to them and asked my dad if he wanted a drink to which he replied aye get me a double whisky. I then asked the minister if he would like a drink and he replied no thanks I would rather go with a scarlet woman. At this point my father gave me his whisky back, shouting “for Christ sake David, you never told me there was a choice”.

If there are any ministers here tonight, I apologize, if there are any scarlet woman here, I'll be at the bar in about ten minutes.

At this point I would like to pass on a message from the management of the Lochside Hotel, as a matter of health and safety could you please refrain from standing on the tables and chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech.

About the bride and groom

I would now like to say a few words about the bride and groom, Dougie for you this will be the worst 2 minutes of the day, Audrey your worst 2 minutes will come much later tonight hen.

Seriously, I have heard several best man speeches in the last few years and they all seem to blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom. Frankly, I can see no reason why my speech should be any different!

I don't know how I'm going to say anything about Dougie without incriminating myself! For legal reasons no video cameras please!

Dougie was born on the 30th March 1970, it was a difficult pregnancy and Dougie came prematurely. No change there then.

I've known Audrey for around 8 years and have been best mates with Dougie for nearly 20 years now, and as you can imagine I've seen some right dodgy haircuts and some nightmare moustaches.… And Dougie's been no better either.

I did a lot of research and asked people to describe Dougie.

Caring, considerate, intelligent, generous. These were words that no-one used.

Deceitful, lying inconsiderate lowlife scum, and well if his mum doesn't know him best who does.

It was only 32 years ago today that Audrey's mum and dad were sending Audrey to bed with a dummy. Funny how history repeats itself.

A lot of you don't know this but Audrey used to do a bit of modeling when she was younger, she loved this and particularly liked airfix boats and airplanes.

Dougie stayed at my house last night and Audrey asked me to do 3 things for her.

1. Make sure he sleeps like a baby the night before the wedding – he did, peed the bed and woke up during the night greeting for his mammy.

2. Get him here presentable, with hair and face in good order- well if God couldn't get it right the first time around what chance did I have.

3. Keep any of his old girlfriends away from the service – well that's the easy one because the recent outbreak of foot and mouth disease took care of them.

His taste has certainly improved as I'm sure you will all agree that Audrey is looking gorgeous today. Must have taken the bridesmaid's hours to get her looking as good. That was a compliment Honest! I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress, Dougie likes it too as he thinks it blends well with the rest of the kitchen.

Tips on marriage from Experience

Dougie, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it ONCE, Audrey will never let you forget it again.

Never fight and go to bed still angry with each other, me and my wife never go to bed mad with each other. Last year I didn't get to bed until March.

Audrey, if you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, your aiming a bit too high.

Dougie told me he was nervous about performing his manly duties on the honeymoon, I said don't worry, start with some foreplay, he said but theres only two of us. I then said do you know what mutual climax is, he said of course, that's who I insure my car with.

Dougie told me he was having a really good week, Audrey got her purse and credit cards stolen. I asked him how is that a really good week, he replied “the guy is spending a fraction of what she usually does”.

If anybody is curious about where Dougie and Audrey are going on their honeymoon, it's a lovely wee resort in Wales. I was talking to Dougie earlier and he said I'm going to Bangor all week. At least that's what I think he said.

Telegrams

Dear Dougie, thanks for the invite to your wedding, were really sorry we couldn't make it love from Martin O'Neill, John Robertson and all the Bhoys at Parkhead

Dear Audrey, if it doesn't work out give me a call

Love from Robbie Williams

Dear Dougie, I'll really miss our nights at the pool together

Love from Michael Barrymore

Dear Dougie, don't be a stranger now that you're married

Love from all the staff at the hot spice massage parlour

From Audrey's work Dear Audrey, please don't leave now that you're married,

Also from the hot spice massage parlour.

Serious advice

In search of at least one piece of serious advice I wrote this poem which I hope will answer the age old question, what's the difference between a husband and wife.

Moods of a wife

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction

A wife's a bundle of contradiction

Afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse

But will tackle her husband alone in the house

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose

She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk

She's stronger than brandy, but milder than milk

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad

She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, love you like mad.

And that's the moods of a wife

Moods of a husband

Horny

Hungry

And that's the moods of a husband

Believe it or not this is the edited version of my speech, the bits I had to cut out will be getting told over there later. Point to the Bar

Toast

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to propose a toast

To a couple of very special people, I'm sure during tonight we'll all get the chance to share some quality time with them. The night wouldn't be the same without these special individuals, please drink a toast to the bar staff.

Seriously

Dougie, Audrey, This has been a privilege and an honor being your best man, and I'm sure everyone here will agree with me when I say that I think you make a great couple and I hope that the two of you have a very long and happy life together, ladies and gentlemen, could you please be upstanding and drink a toast to: Audrey and Dougie,

To the Bride and Groom……………………………………………