Speech by David Thomas

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Thomas
Speech Date: mar 2003
Thankyou PRECEDING PERSON

Host and Hostess, bride and bridegroom Ladies and Gentleman

Its time for me to make a speech now, and quite frankly, there's not a whole lot you can do about that. Before I start I have an important public safety announcement, anyone considering having a lift, with Alan Beacham this weekend …..…

DON'T

Especially if its in a Vauxhall Cavalier and anywhere near a lake
I have to admit, This afternoon has been quite strange, At the last wedding I went to the bride was so ugly, everybody kissed the groom
Anyway, Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank the Bridegroom for his kind words on this very emotional occasion – even
the cake is in tiers!! You know, I had a feeling it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by my best mate, Mark

and I was quite right…..…

I couldn't follow a bloody word of it I have to tell you that to be asked to act as best man today is a great privilege ….…

And bloody inconvenient For those of you who don't know,

I'm not actually married;I just look this way because I've been ill

I have to admit that as a bachelor, I have no real idea of what it feels like to be happily married But then of course, nor do most husbands!

Now may I just say that at the ceremony this afternoon Caroline you looked absolutely stunning, Mark, you looked absolutely stunned!!

Of course, there is no doubt, marriage is a wonderful invention .…

But then of course, so was the water saving flushing cistern!

Just quickly before I start, if there is anybody here in the room this afternoon, who feels strangely nervous and apprehensive,

it's probably because you just went and married Mark Harrison.

Nevertheless I'm probably in a better position than most, to pay tribute and give background to the groom .…

After all, he's almost like a brother to me……

On this point of giving some background, I'd just like to clear something up. Marks father Mike was not responsible for the great Irish potato famine

Lots of other people had forgotten where they had planted them as well

I'm not going to stand up here this afternoon and make cheap, obvious jokes about Mark…

Let's face it, he deserves respect.

Mark Harrison is a man who knows where he is going And who knows where he's been .…

He just doesn't know where he is!

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without my best mate And believe me, I just can't wait to find out

But ladies and gentleman, I've been asked today to praise Mark.… Not to bury him Mind you, I must say, the vote was bloody close!

Today, we see before us a very presentable looking guy, so it may surprise you to learn that it hasn't always been that way ..…

Mark was not a pretty baby. I'm told that his mother didn't get morning sickness until after he was born!

Marks parents were a little disappointed when mark came into the world …

They'd set their hearts on a golden retriever.

How do I know Mark?

Mark and I apparently went to the same primary school, although due to excess alcohol over the years, I can't remember him that long ago

Mark and I became good friends in secondary school, around about the same time we worked together in the local supermarket “Lo-Cost”, where he would always find it amusing to throw various objects at me, usually cans of baked beans Calling out my name, just before they hit me

Needless to say, People who have known Mark for some time have formed their own support group At 15 he was so infuriating, his parents ran away from home.

Mark spent most of his teens trying to find himself. Then, one fateful day, he had a haircut …… and there he was!

Now Mark hasn't changed much since his teenage years, He got fit, whilst I got fat, A situation confirmed by a comment one day when we were out on our mountain bikes I quote

“I like going out riding with you it makes me feel really fit!”

After we both learned to drive Marks showed me the importance of ensuring you have a good field of vision when trying to pull out of road junctions

The fact that I was in a separate car in front of him at the junction was besides the point as he slowly pushed me with his car into the oncoming traffic his obsession with reading motorbike magazines is second to none

He is the only man I know to have a lifelong ban from W H Smith's magazine section for treating it like a library

Mark is the only man I know who has a magazine rack in his living room, his bedroom, his bathroom, his office ………..… and my house!!

But not only reading about them – talking!!

If you ever see two guys together and one of them looks really bored ……

He's the other one Mark and I then went our separate ways to university, still keeping very much in contact I remember one day returning to Reading from Wales where I had been for the weekend to find a note stuck to my door Hello mate, had bath whilst waiting for you, you will probably find me in pub across road ….… And sure enough I did The terrible thing was that whilst Mark had the bath, he also shaved his legs, and left all the shavings around the rim as a present to my housemates

Incidentally, whilst finding out items of significance in 1974 the year Mark was born, I was amused to learn that that was the year that Gillette first brought out the disposable razor No significant link there but it may explain an awful lot about why my mother used to complain that Mark had shaplier and smoother legs than she did 1974 was also the year that free contraceptives became available on the NHS

Unfortunately, by the time the 14th December came, it was a little too late, Mike Anyway after university on we went into our respective careers, Mark now with a very promising career at Toyota – merely to call this man an engineer is like calling Michaelangelo a decorator.

I'm told Mark doesn't really remember how he met Caroline He just sobered up one morning and there she was Happily, we as we all know, the lovely Miss Mabon came onto his life and today, seeing Mark with his wonderful bride, I realise what a good choice he's made … I really admire his taste .…

Which is more than I can say for hers!

You know, this reminds me of the first time that I met Caroline I had gone to visit Mark in Nottingham and going out that evening together on what I thought was the pull And ……..We just happened to bump into Caroline in this pub, clearly pre-engineered However, wanting to ensure that Caroline knew what she was letting herself in for, I recall that some of the first words I said to her were

“what the hell are you doing with Mark?”

For some reason Caroline seemed quite worried and upset as to why Marks best friend would say such a thing However later on that evening she soon got her own back by arranging for one of her friends to throw up all over my shoes
Thanks Zany

I assure you I didn't take it too ………personally Now, This couple is bound to be happy …….They're both very much in love with the bridegroom

Over the years I have got to know Caroline, as she and Mark set up such a wonderful home together They've worked out a great way of settling arguments; He admits he's wrong, And she admits she's right

I know Mark and Caroline have found their haven in that home It is just unfortunate for Caroline that Marks part is in the garage Ha, What a great couple, they go together like Teflon and Velcro

Now Caroline, just remember, Men are like fine wine They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with

On the other hand, Mark – women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind ….… Eventually turning full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache I remember when I was first told of the proposal and then being asked to be best man,

Mark had made the setting very special in a restaurant whilst they were on holiday, champagne being chilled, Stevie Wonder playing in the background And he plucks up the courage to ask her for her hand in marriage – asks her and then has the reply “of course I will you div brain!!”

My god, this was the first time the poor guy had had his way of kneeling criticized Now, show me a modern man who comes home every evening, is greeted with smiles and compliments, ……….has his coat taken, ………his shoes removed, ……….pillows arranged for him, ……….made to feel comfortable in every way,……… then is served a really delicious meal ..…

And I'll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant

You know, Mark has always been rather naïve when it comes to sexual matters – he actually believes that mutual climax is an insurance company!

By the way Mark, I have some bad news for you …..One of the waiters has just brought Caroline a couple of Aspirins You know Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers, And after working with Mark and Bob last weekend I would have to agree Maybe that's why so many mothers cry at weddings When I went to visit the happy couple after their engagement, I had to ask my best friend how he knew that Caroline was the one And he turned and looked me in the eye and said it was very simple

Every morning when I wake up with Caroline, I know that I don't want anybody else Anyway Now I believe there will shortly be some more photographs of the bride and groom Please ensure to let the photographer know if you want them mounted …..Or indeed of them just holding hands

Ladies and gentleman

It is now my pleasant duty to thank Mark on behalf of the bridesmaids Sue, Susie, Katie, Maddy and Libby for his kind words ..… It is a real pleasure to act as spokesman for such a lovely team of ladies .…
I'd also like to add my thanks to Mr and Mrs Mabon on behalf of all the guests for the hospitality we've enjoyed this afternoon.
From a very personal point of view, I consider Mark Harrison to be the brother I have never had, and now I have a sister in law Like everybody here, I wish Caroline and Mark all the happiness in the world.

And this piece of advice to my best mate .…

Mark ..…
To keep your marriage brimming in the everloving cup –
Whenever you're wrong admit it
Whenever you're right; SHUT UP

As a man who'll drink to absolutely anything, I'd be very grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in one more toast to the happy couple ..…