Speech by David Viera

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Viera
Speech Date: sep2002
LADIES! GENTLEMEN! …John!

A wise man once said that making a speech is very much like making love to a beautiful woman! Well, I can assure that this is completely true and I should be finished in just a few minutes!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is David and today I am truly and deeply honoured to be best man to a man, who is, quite frankly, a far better man than me.

First of all, and on behalf of Jo, may I thank John for his kind words. I'm sure you'll all agree that Jo is not only looking wonderful today but also that she's done a fantastic job in looking after Jane – so Jo, thank you

[pause]

Before I start talking about things like what you can find on the Internet if you do a search under the heading ‘best man – my first time!’ or launch into my carefully crafted assassination of John's character, I'd like to take the opportunity to put to good use some advice that a recently married friend gave me. She said David, whatever you do in your speech; don't forget to mention the bride!

And let's be honest, how could I. Jane, you look beautiful today and as John has already so eloquently explained, I know that you have made a great friend of mine the happiest man alive today!

[pause]

When John asked me to be his best man, I was honoured, delighted and terrified all at the same time. In fact those of you that know me well – too well perhaps – will not be at all surprised to learn that this isn't the first time today that I've stood up from a warm seat clutching paper in my hand!

[pause]

Anyway, it really does seem like only yesterday that John and I were meeting as fresh faced students back in not so sunny Sheffield. One of the things I remember most about meeting John for the first few times was that this nice bloke from Bristol seemed to be surgically attached to his baseball cap. But of course anyone who knows John well will know about his beautiful soft Johnson's baby hair!

[pause]

But John soon took advantage of college life as an opportunity to change his image and one day he came home sporting a rather severe crew cut and a delightful bright green bomber jacket. With his chiselled jaw line (well it was then!) and his piercing eyes, he looked really rather menacing. In fact I'm reliably informed that his high brow economic colleagues used to affectionately refer to him – in hushed tones – as their very own ‘BNP boy’!

[pause]

This new look was very entertaining for those of us who'd found out what a big softie John really is, and it was always a delight to watch him arrive at a bar crowded with naïve first years only to carve his way to a pint like a hot knife through butter – using nothing more than a carefully rehearsed stare and the odd grunt – he was definitely good for getting the last round in!

Talking of our university days, I really must tell you about an annual charity event called pyjama jump. Now very briefly, this involved all the girls wearing blokes’ pyjamas and all the boys wearing girls’ underwear. As you know, John is very charitable kind of guy and used to really enter into the spirit of things.

In fact I have rather disturbing memories of standing next to him in a pub wondering how a 6ft skin head wearing doc marten boots, sunglasses a mini skirt and elbow length satin gloves would spend his time after University. Of course it's now blindingly obvious that John was always destined to become an accountant!

[pause]

Talking of John's dress sense, I must say that I'm really quite disappointed that he hasn't joined the male members of his new family and worn the traditional kilt today. After all, with his legs honed by years of semi-professional refereeing, I'd have thought he's look rather fetching in a sort of young Sean Connery kind of way. I did ask John about this, but he wasn't really very forthcoming and just kept muttering something about wanting to wear the trousers for one last time?!!

[pause]

Still, our time at University passed far too quickly – although I'm not so sure our livers would agree with that! And soon it was time for John to move on from Sheffield and look for pastures new! He did toy with the idea of doing something useful and paying taxes, but then decided that it would be much more fun to keep going as a student for just a little longer! So off he went to York and signed himself up for another year of hard toil and began his masters.

And what a wonderful decision that was because, of course, it was at York that this lucky boy got even luckier and met the lady who today has become his wife.

[pause]

Because my course was far harder than John's I was still at Sheffield when he went to York! But I remember talking to him on the phone and listening to him describe this wonderful girl that he'd met.

And of course, John always fancied himself as a bit of a smoothie with the ladies and he even had a few special tricks of his own invention to snare the object of his affections.

Before he met Jane he had a wonderful theory that the ideal first date should always be a trip to an ice skating rink. You might think that this was because John, with his well known sporting talents, wanted to show off his impressive skills or maybe display his caring side by offering some handy tips to his date.

But no, John liked this idea because and I quote “you get to grab them lots!”

[pause]

As well as the magic ice skating date – he also had a very special compilation tape, the name of which I can't possibly share with you at a family event such as this! But suffice to say that this tape was created as a potent aphrodisiac, with a range of carefully selected songs designed to mark the journey from first date to first base. To the best of my knowledge this amazing innovation never actually worked. But John, if you still have a spare copy lying around, I have a friend of a friend he thinks he might like to borrow it!

[pause]

Fortunately, as we've just heard, John decided to abandon these ‘sure fire winners’ when it came to Jane and thank goodness he did – otherwise we might not all be here enjoying today!

Finally, I don't think any analysis of John's character would be complete with a passing mention of his driving skills!

After all, this is the man who could make a 1.1 Ford Fiesta sing like Michael Schumacher's Ferrari. There are lots of stories that involve John's driving, but Jane told me one that I thought was particularly sweet!

Apparently, John was giving Jane and two of her friends a lift one day and decided to go rather quickly down a street that was dotted with sleeping policemen. Just a his passengers were starting to gently bang their heads of the roof, another car decided to be really brave and try and use a bit of John's own personal road. This caused John to come to a screeching halt, jump out the car and, I'm reliably informed, give chase to the offending vehicle, on foot, shouting “come on then!”. Now Jane tells me that as well as thinking he was absolutely barking she also thought it was really rather sexy in an odd kind of way!

[pause]

Anyway, I thought these famously competitive driving skills would still be in evidence when it came to our go karting session on the stag do in Edinburgh. And we weren't disappointed because John was soon out of his kart and on foot again. Unfortunately this time it wasn't to chase down the opposition but simply to push his motor back on to the track.

And I suppose that brings us neatly to the wedding itself. You'll be pleased to hear that John was a very good boy and didn't go near the bar last night, no we bought all his drinks for him!

And this morning we had a relaxing round of golf action to ease those wedding day nerves. And seeing John on the course suddenly reminded me that he was born in the exact same year as a certain Mr Tiger Woods!

Now I can't say that there are many similarities when it comes to golfing technique but John did assure that Jane regularly tells him he's a bit of a tiger!

[pause]

Well I think that's almost it from me. John you are one of the best friends that anyone could ever hope to have. Your list of good qualities is embarrassingly long. You are intelligent and witty. Fiercely loyal and unafraid to speak to your mind yet never hesitating to protect those that you care about. You are also a genuinely honest and caring man.

Jane, you've done good. John, you've done better!

So I hope I've embarrassed you just enough but not too much. And for those of you that think I've gone too easy on him, I shall be open to questions and bribery in the bar!

I think it just remains for me to close with a few, unashamedly, stolen words!

To John, remember what Oscar Wilde said: Never give a woman advice; in fact, never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

And to Jane I offer the following. If you love something set it free. If it comes back it was and always will be yours forever. If it just sits in your house, eats your food and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place you probably married it!

In all seriousness, you are a wonderful couple and I wish you a lifetime of love, luck – joy and happiness.

SO – LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Would you please charge your glasses, be upstanding and join me in a toast

TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM!