Speech by David Ward

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: David Ward
Speech Date: Sep2007
Ladies and Gentleman for those of you who don't know me my name's Dave, or Wardy… and I'm the best man. For those of you who already know me, I'm sorry.

Firstly it's my honour to thank Christopher on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words.

I'd also like to echo his remarks and say you all look fantastic and have done a fabulous job in supporting Bride today. Indeed, they are only eclipsed by Bride herself, who I am sure you'll all agree looks stunning today. Groom, well you just look stunned!

I'd also like to thank the Ushers for supporting the groom today, I realise for some of you it was a difficult task to stand in the church and point people to their seats.

When Groom asked me to be his best man it felt like I'd just inherited a Harem… I know what I had to do… but, where do you start!

Traditionally the best man's speech is the one the groom dreads the most and could quite possibly be the worst 5 minutes of his life… Bride's worst 5 minutes, on the other hand, are apparently later tonight.

On this occasion, Groom is going to get an easy ride due to our role reversals in just a couple of month's time, when he will be my best man. Or a relatively easy ride anyway!

So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen?

A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where none can say a bad word against him?

But enough about me, what I`m really here for this afternoon is to talk about Groom

I was having a quiet drink with Groom the other week and asked him what it was he wanted from his marriage. He said, &quotWell, I want to be a model husband and I want to be a model father.&quot

He then added, with one of his cheeky grins that he also wanted to be a model lover!

Just so I knew exactly what he was talking about, I looked up &quotmodel&quot in the dictionary… it said:
&quota small, miniature replica of the real thing&quot!!!

Stories
Now I am sure there are many of you here today who have been a best man before, but I wonder how many of you have actually received written instructions from the bride on how to behave on the special day! Imagine my surprise when I got this letter from Bride

Letter

Dear Wardy,

Firstly thank you so much for agreeing to the best man at our wedding. I was thrilled when Christopher told me he had asked you and that you had agreed. I can honestly say I don't think he could have chosen someone more intelligent, good looking, funny, well spoken or downright sexier to perform these duties on our special day.

I understand that it is traditional to poke a certain amount of humour at the groom during the best man's speech, however, this is a very special day for us and to avoid any upset I would appreciate it if you could abide by the following guidelines..

1 Do not make any reference to the proposal. Although one of the happiest moments of my life it was also one of the most traumatic..

Good point – I mean the story's been told so many times now, anymore would be like flogging a dead horse! And I don't want to be saddled with the guilt of upsetting anyone..

2 Do not mention that Christopher used to refer to his flat as KDP or Knicker Down Palace. I realise that he lead a‘fruitful'life before we met but any mention of KDP might draw attention as to why his lucky number is 76!
3 Don't mention his snoring problem
4 Don't mention my snoring problem
5 Please don't let him tell any fish jokes, I know both of you find them funny but no one else does…
6 And finally under no circumstances mention his ‘little problem’!

Love Bride.

Now, I don't want to ruin anyone's day, so Bride, please rest assured that I won't be covering any of that in today's speech.
Although you should probably have put a restriction on me talking about a few other things…

Like the scooter he owns and his hidden from his parents for the last three years for fear of being told off.

Or maybe the fact he is turning 30 in 4 weeks but is still completely unable to grow any facial hair whatsoever

Or possibly the fact that that he actually moved to London from Newcastle because he kept running into the same women up there… although the recent spate of foot and mouth seems to have got rid of most of his ex-girlfriends thankfully…

I could go on but unfortunately most of it is unsuitable for public airing and as I mentioned earlier he has me over a barrel for when it's his turn to be my best man.

With that in mind.. Groom is a great guy, who has enjoyed success in many parts of his life…

Academically he has always excelled. He doesn't just have a masters degree from the University of Newcastle, he's also a fully qualified charted accountant.

As a consultant for KPMG he is quickly rising to the top and is formally recognised as a future leader of tomorrow.

As a sportsman he played cricket and tennis. He attempts to ski and play golf, and has been seen wake boarding and surfing, but his natural talent is in rugby where he has represented, school, university, clubs and county.

Unfortunately, I believe he is considering retirement this year and hanging up the boots. Apparently his frustration at the opposition assuming he's the tighthead prop rather than the outside centre has finally got to him.

Without a doubt though, his biggest success in life has been to find that special someone, the person he wants to spend eternity with and who wants to spend it with him. The person he cannot bear to be apart from and cannot live without.

That's Bride by the way… not me!

Advice
It is customary for the Best Man to offer the Groom some small pieces of advice on marriage.

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it…..Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but let's face it, anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

I'm sure Groom will be pleased to know that apparently a successful marriage can be compared to a game of rugby:
1. Ensure you are fully committed every week.
2. Make sure you score on a Saturday
3. Ensure you change ends at half time
And Finally No 4: Don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself!

And a little bit of advice for Bride too:

Don`t keep him in the doghouse too long, or he might find somewhere else to bury his bone!

I also have a few telegrams to read out here:

Telegrams
Dear Bride, We tried Groom in every position and he was rubbish. We hope you have more luck. Congratulations on your day. London Scottish Rugby Club

Dear Groom, Congratulations on your special day, I'll miss our evenings by the pool. Michael Barrymore

Closing
I`d like to finish up by saying what a great honour it`s been to be Groom's best man today.

We`ve been friends for eighteen years and over that time he's been a great friend and has always been there for me, apart from when the occasional seat belt got in the way.

I will be forever indebted to you for introducing me to my future wife and I'm very proud to be able to call both you and Bride my best friends. I'm looking forward to spending many more years, and many more bottles of Cloudy Bay with you both.

Toast
On that note, Ladies and Gentlemen, we've come to an end

HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER,
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
AS Christopher and Bride START THEIR NEW LIFE,
PLEASE STAND TO HELP ME TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND &amp WIFE.

To the new Mr and Mrs Thorpe
Christopher and Bride