Speech by Dean Garratt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dean Garratt
Speech Date: Oct2007
Good afternoon Ladies Gentlemen girls and boys, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Dean, I'm Jamie's Big Brother and one half of the best man duo today. However my full name in fact is dean wouldyoulikeapint so if you happen to see me at the bar later, I would really appreciate it if you would refer to me by my full name.

Just to let you know that the Mack worth hotel have kindly provided you with sleeping bags and cushions that are stored under the tables but I would appreciate it if you could refrain from using these until Mr Randall steps forward!

I'm sure you will all agree it has been an emotional day so far even the cake is in tiers!

I'd like to start by complimenting the bride, Claire, you look absolutely beautiful today.. and I know that you have made my younger brother the happiest man alive. As for Jamie, well what can I say, we tried our best!!!…… personally I'm relieved to see he hasn't turned wearing women's clothes again.

I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids for performing their roles so well and continuing to look so good throughout the day. Id also like to thank the ushers and just say you guys also look great….NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would like to thank you all for attending today and helping to make Jamie and Claire's wedding such a memorable and special occasion for all those involved. Personally I wish I had stayed at home and made my job a lot easier!!!

A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love…so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon. [Sit down, wait a second &amp then continue] I've also been told that a best mans speech can be compared to a mini skirt…Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting.
Don't worry my speech won't take too long today, because of my throat. Claire has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Jamie has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Latvia.

I'd like to say that I find it hard to stand up here and make a fool out of my brother on his wedding day despite everything he's done to me in the past. They say blood is thicker than water. Jamie is thicker than both.

Jamie better known to me as crouchy for his resemblance to the footballer Peter Crouch, as many of you know is a keen sportsman and footballer in particular, so I thought it would be very appropriate for me to compare his beloved sport to married life….… So,

– Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday.
– Make sure you change ends at half time and don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.

However, unnamed friends assure Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result in a Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely the Quickest Way onto the Transfer List.

I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box.

Jamie was born on the 23rd March 1981, so I thought it might be good idea to research this date and see if anything significant happened on this day, but unfortunately nothing did.. However the hospital staff do still refer to this day as ”ugly Monday”!!

..So ugly in fact, that when he was born the midwife had to be restrained from slapping both of my parents. I always wondered why my Nan used to knit Jamie all those full face balaclavas in the winter.

Also coincidently, I don't know whether you know this but 2 weeks after he was born, family planning was made available free on the NHS!!
In all seriousness though, Jamie does have many positive attributes that I'd like to tell you about. He's Good looking, a bit of a charmer, Loyal, Int..inter..interllle..sorry Jay I'm having trouble reading your handwriting.

I'd like to turn the clocks back a little bit now and tell you about a story which may have resulted in Jamie never actually meeting Claire. Jamie had just left school and was left with a career dilemma. After much consideration Jamie went to college and decided to study a course that would see him join the army. So my mum and dad ”the nice people they are” forked out the required 㿀0 to cover costs for his army boots, and general army clothing etc.

Anyway crunch time arrived and Jamie was interviewed by an officer to ensure that the position was something that he really wanted to do…the interview seemed to be going well until Jamie was asked a rather interrogating question..The officer said to Jamie ””you don't really want to be in the army do you””?? You don't want to move away from your mummy do you?? To which Jamie answered ”No” I don't! So Claire you have got yourself your very own mummy's boy!!

After speaking to some of Jamie's close friends about previous embarrassing encounters I came across another story that was of great interest. On hearing this story I can fully appreciate why this story was kept well away from his big brothers ears! When Jamie decided that the army wasn't for him, he decided to go for a job at Trent Buses. Another interview followed and Jamie was asked the question ”what do you know about buses”?? Jamie replied well.there's red ones and blue ones! Thankfully our roads today are safer!!

Any way I won't embarrass him too much more because I know he is quite capable of doing that him self, just wait to you see him dance!!

Right I've got a couple of cards to read out from a few friends that couldn't be here today unfortunately pass you to Mr Randle

To Jay,
Good luck on your wedding day will miss the pool parties. Ps before you pack for your honeymoon, don't forget your trunks and towel are still at my house. Love Michael Barrymore.

Dear Jamie, congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award for June 2007! Lots of love from the dancers at Roxys lap dancing club in Riga.

This one is addressed to you Claire from Peter Lawton who was the manager of Jamie's old football team Mickleover All-stars. It says:
&quotDespite our best efforts, we've found Jamie to be useless in almost every position we hope you have better luck

Honestly though, it really is a great honour to be Jamie's best man, and I feel privileged to be able to say that I was involved, standing side by side with him through the happiest day of his life..…
That day when Derby got promoted at Wembley, it was a truly brilliant day!

In all seriousness though Jamie, you've been a brilliant brother and a great friend to me over the years, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage together!

Can you all be upstanding and join me in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Garratt.

””ladies and gentlemen to Jamie &amp Claire””