Speech by Dean Hedger

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dean Hedger
Speech Date: sep 2003

BEST MAN SPEECH

WEDDING OF DAVE AND JANE

First of all I would like to thank you all for coming today especially those of you that have travelled long distances. For those of you that don't know me my name is Dean whatdoyoudrink and if you do approach me later please address me by my full name.
I'll start by saying that Jane looks absolutely stunning today, as I'm sure you'll all agree. Unfortunately, Dave just looks stunned!
They both look fabulous in the colours they have chosen for today which I'm sure Dave had more than a hand in as if any of you have been to his house you'll know of his love for all things magnolia.
You would not believe the trouble I had earlier when getting Dave into the registry office. I had to resort to donkey and carrot tactics by pulling out this magnolia colour chart which I used to entice him through the doors. Fortunately when we got there Jane was dressed in Ivory and some swift handiwork by me meant that Dave did'nt notice the difference.
I must say that Jane is a wonderful choice of bride she is a lovely person and really does deserve a good husband. Daves's very lucky to have married her before she found one!!
I've been a little nervous about my duties and especially the speech so I bought myself a book entitled ‘How to be the best man’. In the speech chapter it said that a good speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love.– Check watch and say that's it then.
Joking aside I would like to say what a genuine honour it is to be asked to be Dave's best man. I know I'm just one of many suitable people that he could have chosen and would have happily done the job.
Now I've only known Dave for about 7 years … although it does feel like twenty … I did wonder whether he selected me as best man to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have any ammunition on him for the first 20 years or so of his life which therefore puts some very embarrassing stories out of reach. However a little bit of digging has unearthed a few things I feel should be brought to your attention..
HE OR SHE?

Did you know that originally it was thought that Dave was a girl. His mum Sue carried what she was convinced was a beautiful baby daughter for nine months only to be dumbstruck at the birth of our David. The news of the boys arrival did not filter through the rest of the family as quickly as you would expect. Hence his older brothers ran round calling him Clare for months. Which is a name I think sits quite comfortably with him. HEY CLARE – PAT DAVE.

DAVES LIFE OF CRIME

I have been informed that an unhealthy obsession with the Krays led to Dave operating a crime ring to rival that set up by the infamous brothers. However Dave got things slightly mixed up and much of his criminal activity was inflicted on his own family. The Krays look after their own but Dave seemed to rob his own. Over the years the have been many reports of missing cars, soliders, Action Men, Star Wars figures etc. All of which eventually turned up wrapped up for Christmas and given back.

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

This sums Dave up to a tee. I have been told some horrendous stories about Dave pretending his brothers were dead at the tender age of ten and I have also has first hand experience of this strange urge to mislead everyone, I'm amazed that you are actually getting married I feared I might turn up and theres no-one here. I was racking my brains to think of a wind up to get you with today but you really are too smart. So I have tracked down all your ex-girlfriends who will be at the reception tonight with some stories of their own which I look forward to hearing.

THE MEETING

When Dave met Jane. It was an Indian summer during September 1994 they were attending the Hen and Stag dos of two friends that had convened at Cinderellas nightclub in Guildford. Dave asked Jane out as it was clearly love at first sight but she was with her boyfriend at the time and told Dave she was busy all week. They met again at the wedding 1 week later and she succumbed to his charms casting aside the current boyfriend for her new Adonis. Who was wearing cream at the time.

The first date ended with Daves offer of coming in to see his sword. Jane thought this was a bit forward but went along anyway. Upon entering the bedroom she was shocked at the size of what fell upon her gaze. Daves samurai sword collection adorned all the walls.

They have now been together for eight year and when I was chatting to Dave this morning, I asked him what he wanted from this marriage,.he replied love,happiness,good health and a long life together.
When I asked Jane the same question,guess what she said…..a toaster.

THE PERFECTIONIST

From speaking with Dave's friends and family the one thing which is clear is that he is very good at what he does. He seems to have the midas touch said his mum and his brother Brendan commented on how he is very careful and thorough about everything he does. He always beats me at Monopoly too. However there is one thing which I am not impressed which is his poetry writing…………………….and I will share this with you all now. The poem in called YOUR and was written from Dave to Jane in 1995.

THE CARDS
"Dear David, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I just hope you've
made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore"
Dear Dave, Now you have got hitched what is left for us to fight over. Love Jodie Marsh and Jordan
Don't go forgetting us now you are married Dave.…
Love all the girls at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium
I'm nearly finished now. I think a tradition that should be upheld, is for the best man to offer the newlyweds some advice on marriage. So I have three pearls of wisdom:
First of all – Never go to bed angry – always stay up and fight.
Secondly – There are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’.
Thirdly – The most effective way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
So all that remains is for me to wish them love,happiness,good health,wealth , and a long life together….and of course plenty of toasters for Jane, thanks again for the honour of being your best man,
please be upstanding to toast the bride and groom
Jane and Dave