Speech by Deane Copson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Deane Copson
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen

For those of you who don't know me, my name is ‘Deane, what ya
drinking?’ So if you see me at the bar later don't hesitate to call me.
Now there's a few of you here today that I met last Friday who know I was really nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines .… and having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine NOW!!

And if there's anybody else here today who feels a little nervous and apprehensive,
it's probably because you've just married ‘Rich’! (looks at Liz)
I have to say actually, that when Rich first asked me to be his best man, I told him I was deeply moved, but that I really didn't think I was the right person for the job. He then said to me “OK then, how about £20?” What do you take me for some shallow money grabber. “£30 then” Ok your on
Seriously though, when Rich asked me I was well chuffed. They say that being a best man is a bit like being asked to make love to Margaret Thacther – it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. But I genuinely HAVE been looking forward to it..… unfortunately she's at a conservative party conference this weekend so I've come here instead.
So to play safe I'd best get on with it and would first like to respond on behalf of the bridesmaid to Bobs toast and agree that they look absolutely beautiful today, surpassed only of course by the bride herself.
I'd also like to comment on what a lovely wedding service it was, and how well organized given the short time to the brides and grooms parents who arranged it all – liz's mum etc) for all the organization they have put in. Infact everything has been organized so well that having got Rich there this morning in ample time, I managed to have a word with the vicar before the ceremony so thought I'd take the opportunity to ask ‘his’ views on sex before marriage. (Pause) He said he thought it fine as long as it didn't delay the service (pause) – Not much chance of that hey Liz! “”……

Personal Stuff
Now as everyone knows, it's tradition for the best man to tell a few tales on the groom on his wedding day, unfortunately I've already signed an exclusive deal with the News of the World, so I'll give you the edited version. You can read the rest tomorrow morning.
It was some 9 years ago at Tucker Fasteners where I met Rich (Or Big Dickie as he appears in my phone) when he was just an office boy / IT geek. Soon after he came to work with me and we parted company a couple of years later but stayed good friends. Rich was, by then a fully fledged IT geek and through his hard work and determination he joined his Current Company doing disaster recovery..… this could hold him in good stead considering what he's just done.
In fact on his stag night last Friday I had the opportunity to speak to some of his current work mates (looks round – yes you now who you are) They informed me that at work he is actually considered something of a God..… He's rarely seen, holier than thou, and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.
I very quickly learned that Rich has a number of real passions in his life namely, Star Wars, Music, Whiskey, Anika Rice and Politics. I was a little intrigued to know where these came from so I did a little digging.
First port of call of course was his parents Sue and Steve, who were nothing but complimentary. Sue said he was a really “good boy” (arrrrr) his only faults were he always wanted to open his presents early and he used to cry a lot which is quite coincidental cus he was in tears this morning. I then spoke to Steve, he told me about Rich and David Moxon practising their Kickboxing but all they could manage to break was not bricks but ornaments and how he'd used a neighbours chemistry set to attempt to blow up there garage. What Steve said that really interested me though was that he thought Rich should have been an MP and was born with a soap box stuck to his feet, If you've ever spoken to Rich about politics you'll know he falls somewhere between Alf Garnet and Margaret Thatcher.
Next I thought I'd try and get some more info from his friends, a less angelic view perhaps. What quickly emerged was that I was very lucky to be chosen as best man ahead of his 2 really good friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam, yes he likes a little whisky. They also mentioned his infatuation with Anika Rice (They'd never known anybody else to ever video treasure hunt) and Star Wars, I must say at this point that I'm a little concerned that Rich may name his offspring after a character from Star Wars, I don't think Jabba the Burrows would go down to well at school!
Richs remaining passion, Music, I know a little about myself. He was bass guitarist in a band for many years and his inspiration came from bands like U2, Rush and the King himself Elvis, this infatuation for Elvis surfaced when he came to a fancy dress barbeque at my house dressed as the King, I still have visions of Rich walking into the hippest place in Nuneaton in full Elvis gear, the DJ cuts the music dead to the disappointment of hundreds of partying teenagers and says “Oh my god, Elvis is in the building” The Nuneaton Evening Tribune still runs stories like, will Elvis ever Vomit in out laybys again.
I'd just like to say though, that over the 9 years of knowing Rich as a good friend, I have in all seriousness been proud to stand beside him as best man today and as such would like to offer him some marital advice given to me by my own old man on my wedding day.
“He told me that after the wedding, in the honeymoon suite, before anything
else happened to give my newly wedded wife my trousers and tell her to put them
on. She'll then say, "I cant wear these they’ make my bum look too big", to which you
reply "Exactly, I wear the trousers".
My mother then finished off the story saying that she then threw her knickers to my dad, telling ‘him’ to put them on, to which he replied "I'm not getting into those",
To which she replied "and you never will with that attitude!"
So Rich, above all, always remember those 3 little words that women love to hear – "you're right dear". Or in my case “buy it then”
What Rich has obviously got right though by himself, is his choice of bride. I've only met Liz on a couple of occasions,… introduced by Rich of course! But what struck me both times was her maturity for someone of such a young age, and I can imagine there to be quite a force behind her gentle nature. (pause for anyone agreeing – shit yourself if you have got this wrong lol). What also struck me though was her obvious devotion to Rich, which can, according to Rich, be demonstrated by the size of his waistline since he's met Liz.
One bit of advice though Liz, If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach—–your aiming way to high.
I think you'll all agree though Ladies and gentlemen, that we all as individuals have our strengths and weaknesses but combining those of Rich's with those of Liz's I can only see a real team in these two.
And Liz, if Rich doesn't take good care of you, then looking as stunning as you do today , I'm sure a few others here will be delighted to step in.

I'd just like to start rounding up by reading a few Cards

RICH – I'll miss those Sunday morning lie ins and games around the pool.
MICHAEL BARRYMORE

Hold up and envelope with IMPORTANT MUST BE DELIVERED BEFORE 2:00PM JULY 5TH
printed on it.

Liz – Please don't do it, Jennifer means nothing to me. Brad Pitt ?

Read some real ones

Rich – Thanks for all your help with the computer GARY GLITTER

Toasts

I'd just like to say that there are 2 people, who today, we have all taken into our hearts, They both share a natural exuberance of personality, as well as extreme generosity of spirit… basically they're just ridiculously nice people!

And so finally In the traditional manner I'd appreciate it if you would be all upstanding, and join me in a toast.
{wait until everyone is quiet, standing up, and holding a glass}

Here's to love, laughter, And happily ever after.

To Rich and Liz

Thankyou