Speech by Del Clack

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Del Clack
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen

At last! He's finally married her.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Derek or Del or Delboy and yes, my 3 wheeler is parked around the corner.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaid, my daughter Holly, I would like to thank Jo for her kind words and also Paul for giving me the great honour of being best man. In fact, if I do a good job at this one, Paul said I could be best man at his next wedding.

As I've only been friends with Paul since about 17, I've relied on snippets of information from his parents, Alan and Jan on Paul in his younger years.

Paul was born in 1969, the same year that Jackie Stewart won the Formula 1 World Championship and Ford launched the Anglia. It was also the year that the 50 pence piece was introduced; coincidentally, Paul only needs 50 pence now to have that sprig of hair cut.

Apparently Paul was the perfect child, he was hardly ever naughty and he was no trouble at school – even the teachers liked him. He was the only child to carry his stuff around in a briefcase. By the sounds of it, he was one of those weird kids who we now refer to as anoraks.

For those of you who live in the village, you may remember Paul tearing around the streets on his Raleigh Chopper. Little did you know that he was actually memorising car number-plates so he must have known exactly what was going on and with whom.

Paul had cars on his mind from a very early age, collecting an enormous amount of car brochures for which, can you believe, he has actually won an award for – and is still collecting even now.

On leaving school, Paul wasn't one to sit on his backside – he took jobs at Barretts Engineering and Amey Roadstone. He even had a job at Selfridges in Oxford, working in stores just so that he could get a glimpse at the girls on the make-up counter – a man after my own heart.

Paul had always visited Crossroads Garage with Alan as a young boy and established his dream job of being a car salesman. At the age of 17 he was offered a job there and ever since has become an increasing anorak on the subject of cars, especially Renaults. Even poor Jo has been brainwashed – whenever they see a Renault they shout out the paint codes, “783 Naples Red, 432 Monaco Blue . . . . go on Paul, which colour do you think Jo's dress is nearest to?
Paul stayed at Crossroads until just over 2 years ago. He did have a minor blip across the road at Hartwells selling Rover's finest, metros . . . sorry, no Rover 100s. But he soon came back to his senses. Now Paul is going it alone – he's Faringdon's answer to Arthur Daly – all be it a very successful one. He's even started referring to Jo has ‘Er Indoors’.

At this point I should mention that Paul has asked if anyone is interested in buying a car today, he's left some business cards at the front here.

In 1993 when Paul told me he had a cracking piece of kit with good bodywork, I thought he was talking about the latest Renault. But no, in fact he was talking about his best kept secret, Jo. When Nik and I finally met her, we loved her straight away and have all got on fantastically ever since, enjoying holidays together and nights out. All non-alcoholic you understand.

Recently Paul has had to move his belongings aside in his house to make room for Jo's. It's become a bit of a joke as more and more stuff arrives and rumour has it he's even had to sell his big black armchair and some of his beloved car brochures to make room. Don't worry Paul, no-one likes Skodas anyway! Just when he thought that all of Jo's stuff was in the house, another huge lorry load arrived forcing Paul to look for a bigger house for them to live in. Good luck with that project.

-oOo-

You will see today that Paul's suit is a near perfect fit thanks to Caroline who, after the first experience of Paul hiring a suit on his own made sure she was present for this fitting. The story goes that Caroline persuaded him to try it on the evening before the event – call it mother-in-law's intuition if you like. Low and behold Paul's trousers were swinging around his ankles and his waistcoat would have fitted Bob or Alan here.

As for you Jo, you really do look absolutely stunning in your 369 Glacier White dress – you should blend in perfectly with all the kitchen appliances – he'll hardly even notice you're there.

And Paul, well, you just look stunned.

Seriously though I think you will all agree that Paul and Jo, the new Mr & Mrs Francis look fantastic in their posh gear. They make a lovely couple and I know they'll be very happy together.

Ladies and gentlemen, I shan't take much more of your time because of my throat . . . . . if I go on too long Jo has threatened to cut it. But before I move on to the cards, on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for coming and making this such a special day. But from those unable to make it today I have some messages I'd like to share . . . . . .

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding for a toast to the bride and groom.