Speech by Derek Gray

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Derek Gray
Speech Date: oct 2004
Intro:
Ladies and Gentleman for those who don't know me, I am Derek Whatdayadrink and if you speak with me later, please address me by my full name.

I must admit I thought following a speech by Paul would be very difficult, I was right! I couldn't follow a word of it!

Thanks:

I'd just like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding; as you can see the cake was in tiers.

I'd also like to thank you Paul, on behalf of the bridesmaids for your kind words and also my personal thanks for giving me the opportunity to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and for finally admitting after all these years that I am indeed the best man.

I would like to thank the Stag attendee's for making the Liverpool weekend and the Douglas night a great laugh! Paul laughed so much he threw up for hours later.

I think everyone will join with me in agreeing how lovely all the Bridesmaids look and that they have done an excellent job today and that the star of the show, Sue, looks absolutely stunning. Paul you are a very lucky man.

Paul

Now when Paul asked me to be best man, yeah no problem I thought it would be an honour and a privilege. It was only later on when I spent a considerable amount of time sitting on the toilet that it really sunk in.

As this is my first experience of being Best Man… Paul and Sue said “Do your own thing but make sure of Four main important tasks..”

Task One
Make sure Paul gets a good nights sleep, so I asked Paul this morning did he sleep well. And he told me like a baby, so I can only assume he woke up every two hours crying for his dummy

Task Two
Make sure Paul is properly dressed and respectable well believe me against all odds it took a while but he tidied up quite well as you will agree.

Task Three
Paul at all costs must be at the church on time? Well that one was easily sorted, as I told him historically the Best Man has a duty to marry the Bride if the Groom doesn't show. But fortunately for Sue everything went according to plan

Task Four
The fourth and most important task is the dreaded character assassination, but I have to confess Paul has been a Saint since I have known him, which does actually arouse suspicions of a dodgy past but certainly doesn't help my speech.

Fortunately for everyone here, I did find an interesting story…

As most of you all know Paul is one of two halves, the other half being his Twin Brother John.

John was born first and Paul arrived a little later.

Fortunately John arrived half an hour earlier just to make sure Paul got here on time.

As Paul grew older he realised the potential of being an identical twin.

If you ever wondered why Paul had so many Girlfriends when he was younger… it was because he used to cop off with John's girlfriends pretending to be him.

One day, the twins got into an argument as they frequently did, as teenage siblings do, and somehow John pushed Paul down a slide and chipped his Front tooth. Not to be outdone, and the potential loss of future copping off with his undercover brother routine, Paul pushed John down a flight of stairs, to which he too chipped his tooth. An eye for an eye as they say, it also meant Paul could still shark John's ladies now they were both had a chipped tooth. Game On for Paul!

There are a few other short stories about Paul, such as nicking Rubik's Cubes, faking his identity to avoid detention at school, getting thrown out of Arcades and the “borrowed motorbike” incident. As well as the Liverpool stag night, “losing his own clothes in his own hotel room.”

But I'll leave those stories for Paul elaborate on otherwise I'd be here all day and I'm sure Paul would like me to move on…

Whilst in his final year, Paul once asked his careers advisor what he should be when he left school.

I believe the response was "About 30".

That's round about the time I first met Paul when he started working at <company name withheld>.

I would describe Paul as…

Kind

Caring

Pleasant

Easy Going

Always making friends

That is unless you plan to build an extension onto your house next door to him, then the eyes start twitching and world war 3 begins.

Also, make sure he doesn't pick up anyone's Jacket before he leaves, the last wedding he went to he picked up someone else's and kindly accused the local Dry Cleaners of swapping his expensive suit jacket for a cheap one. As you can guess, someone else at the wedding took it home by accident. But to give him his due, Paul visited the Dry Cleaners and apologised in person.

Absent Friends Cards:

Dear Paul and Sue

Sorry I couldn't make it today, hope you have a special day, I've sent you a present, it's a PERKY COPULATOR, sorry, I mean a COFFEE PERCULATOR. And that's from Russell Hobbs

Dear Paul

Thanks a lot for the Ellesse Shirt and Jeans, they fit wonderfully, all the best at the wedding.

Love

The “Ibis Hotel” Cleaner in Liverpool.

Wisdom:

As it's customary, I should leave the Groom with a tale of wisdom:-

10 men and a woman were suspended by a rope hanging from a balloon. They were rapidly loosing height and decided one person should let go of the rope or else they would all die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save theirs because, woman are used to giving things up for their husbands and children, and that after all, Men were the superior sex and must be saved.

After she had finished speaking all the men clapped.

Never underestimate the power of a woman!

And remember marriage is not a word, it's a sentence. You get less for murder!

Hands

Before I finish I'd like to ask Paul and Sue to participate in the speech now. Sue if I can ask you to place your right hand flat on the table…Paul, if you would like to place your left hand directly on top of Sue's…..Now make the most of it as it is the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.

End

Most importantly of all let's not forget a certain couple of people who mean a great deal to us all and whom today's celebrations simply could not have taken place without, ladies and gentleman, I give you…….the bar staff. Sorry, an old joke I know but I couldn't resist.

I'd like to say, Paul it has been a great honour to be your Best man today and it's even more of honour to be your friend.

Lastly I am going to have to stop now because of my throat, Paul's going to cut it if I go on any more, so without further ado, please be upstanding and raise your glasses and wish the happy couple a long and happy marriage… Paul and Suzanne Domingo