Speech by Dirk

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dirk
Speech Date: Oct 1998
To Mike and Carol.

Props Required for Speech:

Trick Box for storage of below
Top hat for Raffle using the table place name-cards
Brick (shitting!)
Floppy disk
T-shirt with love slogan
Underpants with "Mike & Carol" on them
Other old rubbish, tin, sandwich, teddy bear
Bar bill for the "Dog & Drake"
Copy of Mike's early School work
Copy of Playboy
Phone Head Set
White Socks
3 Dummy cards (funny verses) to read out
Viagra prescription
Plea Letters for Guests
Introduction (after the Groom has given his thanks to the Bridesmaids)

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, I am the Best Man and for those who don't know me, my name is Dez. Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mike for his kind and well rehearsed words. I'm sure Mike is very grateful they got the Bride to the altar.

I would myself like to say that Carol looks one in million today… and Mike won in a raffle! Obviously that Hip & Thigh diet has worked better on you Mike than it did me!

Pre-amble about the Best Man's Speech

Well, well, well.… The Best Man's Speech… what a nightmare. There is such a big expectation about the Best Man's Speech so although I am quite nervous I hope I don't disappoint you and I hope you don't mind if I refer to my floppy disk. Anyway, I think I have a few surprises in store.

In fact you can help me out a little.. Will you do that?

Sorry didn't hear you, a little bit louder please..… (wait for audience response).

Good. First, can you all just shift up to the end of your seat please?

Next, this left side all shouts a big Ooh.

And finally nice and loud, the right side says Arrhh

Absolutely great… I told Mike I'd do a speech that would have everyone oohing and ahhing on the edge of their seats!

Responsibilities

I have had some success with my duties so far. Mike has got here in one piece and sober and is now Well and Truly married. Of course there is no going back now Mike.. You can't put Carol on the transfer list like you can a Sunderland player or take her back to Marks & Sparks to get a refund

Of course with Mike being a tough lad from Sunderland he wasn't even a bit nervous about today… or so he says. Then perhaps he'd like to explain why I found these in his toilet this morning? (Pull out a bricks from prop box).… Think about it.

Actually it is an honour to be asked to be a Best Man… as well as terrifying. But Mike promises me that if I do a good job I can be the Best Man at his next wedding!!

I have actually been a Best Man once before so I do have a pedigree. Which is what the Groom said about his bride-to-be that time. I think his exact words where actually "she's a bit of a dog"! However their marriage worked out…… for the first 2 weeks.

Anyway Mike reckons marriage is like beloved football. He's fully committed every week, intends to score every Saturday, change ends at half time and if needs be he's definitely playing away. Funny, cos’ Carol reckons he'll definitely have a groin injury if he does. Anyway I'm sure she can find a couple substitutes waiting in the wings.

Of course my main responsibility is to take the Mickey out of Mike and perhaps reveal a few skeletons from the cupboard… So that's why he looks a bit nervous? SO LETS DISH THE DIRT.

First Met

I met Mike about 7-8 years ago in Leeds at University doing the Carole Degree. I remember it well. It was the first day of term and the Uni’ had organised some group activities to break the ice. I found myself in a group that included Mike. Thing is I couldn't understand him with his heavy Sunderland accent. In fact at first I thought he was one of them foreign students! I asked him if he could speak English and what country he was from!

Mind you I should have known he was from Sunderland cos’ he was wearing white socks and his mum had sown his name into his coat. I was even more worried when at lunchtime he got his Postman Pat lunch box out. Still he showed his kindness by offering to share his jam sandwiches with everyone!

I do have a Carolple of his early University work. (Show kiddies type picture). He got 2 stars for this and blackcurrant lollipop. Not bad for an essay on the "Service Quality in the Hospitality Industry".

Shared house

I also have vivid memories of Mike's student digs, particularly the beer stained carpet. Much to Mike's delight the girl who shared the house took over the role of mother and Mike admits he never cooked a meal in his final year.… Or washed his own white socks!… she did them.

Of course he got all girlie when he met Carol and didn't want to play out anymore, just do cuddly type things. He preferred to visit Carol. Sometimes he forgot to come home. But don't tell their parents! It was obvious Mike had fallen in love with Carol and wanted to spend every minute with her. At least it stopped his hobby… of picking his nose and saving bogies behind his bed head!

Computer Story

I remember visiting Mike at his digs to find him with his head in his hands slumped over his desk, swearing under his breath. I thought Carol had left him. Mike was swearing and not repeatable but his mutterings went along the lines of "typing for 5 hours solid, decided to make a cup of tea, got up and tripped over the mains cable which pulled the plug from the wall socket". Yep you guessed it Mike lost all his 5 precious hours of work. He forgot to use of these (show floppy disc again).

4 Year Degree?

His University attendance got bad, they thought he'd left. And it's kind of funny how, although we were both studying the Carole degree his lasted 4 years and mine lasted the specified 3 years? Work that one out…nothing to do with Carol was it Mike? Actually you could say that Mike loses his Bachelors Degree today and Carol gets her Masters! Boom Boom!

Lost Property

At the end of his degree he moved out to share with Carol and didn't have time to tidy up. Well he left this carrier bag of stuff, which I knew would come in handy one day. (Pulls bag from Trick Box which one by one pulls out; Underpants with ‘Mike loves Carol’, rubbish (white socks, pot noodle, dented tin beans, mouldy sandwich and a copy of Playboy).

(Show mouldy sandwich to audience, then Mike) Errgh look a mouldy jam sandwich…but "there's life Mike but not as we know it!"

Work in Pub

I also remember Mike got a job in a pub called the Dog & Drake, which was a typical student pub.. a bit rough. You know the sort where they search you for drugs and weapons before you go in. If you don't have any they give you some! Also the beer was twice the price as everywhere else and a bit like a fortnight.… too weak.

Mike made sure we got free drinks, even watered down ones! ‘Course Mike thought the gaffer didn't know what was going on but Mike your old Boss has actually asked me to give you this.… (Pull a very long Bar Bill/invoice from trick box). He says you've got two weeks to pay or he'll send the boys ’round.… And I told him your address.

Serious Bit

Talking of work, I do have a serious bit to say, which kind of illustrates Mike's kindness and willingness to help. Despite my Mickey taking today Mike is always polite and putting other people first. I have to say a Massive Thanks to Mike for the great favour he did me when I needed a helping hand. After graduating I was having some bad luck and didn't know what to do. Well Mike was still thinking of me and out of the blue called to see how I was and tell me about a great new job.

On his advice I applied for a job, was successful and I've not looked back since. I am extremely happy at work at the moment and I am absolutely sure that Mike's thoughtfulness gave me the leg-up I needed. That meant a lot to me and again I thank Mike. I'm sure as long as he keeps such qualities Carol and Mike will have a successful marriage.

Carol's Bit

Of course Carol is getting off lightly here today… that's because Mike wouldn't dish the dirt on Carol in case she refused him his conjugal rights. However she has promised to help Mike with the housework now and then.

Actually Mike has been extremely worried cos’ after the wedding rehearsal the other day, Carol has been muttering "I'll alter him" over and over again. I had to explain that she was just remembering the 3 things for the wedding march. 1st walk down the Aisle, 2nd stop at the altar and 3rd sing the hymn… "Aisle, Alter, Hymn".

I'm sure like all normal couples Mike & Carol will have the odd row or two and it's easy to forget the wedding vows when you're angry. Well maybe they'll need a little reminder is in order so I got you a T-shirt. Either of you can wear it when the other forgets: "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part, "

Marriage Jokes/Advice

Anyway this next bit is a bit of fun as I thought it would be a good idea to seek good advice from veterans of the marriage state to pass on to both Mike and Carol. In the hope that some advice and comments will ease the sometime precarious road to married bliss. (So it says here!)

I collected these from married people over the last few weeks. I shall not reveal these peoples name for fear of reprisals….… (from their wives!).

Remember marriage is not one word it is a sentence..… you get less for murder!
There are more than 2 rings to a marriage… what about the suffeRing, the enduRing and the tortuRing!
They say "love is blind" but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Marriage… I muttered a few words in church and I was married. A year later I muttered a few words in my sleep and was divorced.
Always tell her those 3 little words..… "You're right dear".
Marriage is expensive… I'm still paying for it 22 years later.
Don't upset the mother-in-law it always upsets the wife as well.
She knows when you buy her flowers it proves you're guilty and she'll remember to the second when you last bought them.
Always give the wife 3 months notice if you wanna go down the pub with the lads… and get her agreement in writing.
I've read the marriage licence over and over again and there is no "get out" clause. I think it should be like the TV licence … renewable every 12 months with a pro-rata refund if things don't work out!
Card readings

Read a few cards randomly picked plus three bogus funny ones;

This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips!

The choir sang a wedding hymn
Congratulations to Carol & Mike
Hope your day is very special
Good Luck from Auntie Effel
… and the budgie!

I hope your marriage is blessed with luck
And trust that Carol is a very good ….cook
I hope that Mike is willing and able
I recommend the top of the table!
Not signed

Raffle

Get someone to pick winning raffle (place label) from tophat. "Right the 1st round is on you tonight"!

Toast & buy me a drink

And finally, you'll be glad to hear, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. It was good of Mike's parents to turn up as well. Thanks.

On behalf of myself, I wished I'd stayed at home cos’ I wouldn't be dying a death right now and be desperate need of a pint of beer and a dozen Prozac! But I seriously would like to thank both Mike and Carol for letting me ruin their wedding day and plead with them not to let me do this again in hurry!

Anyway it gives me great pleasure (and immense relieve) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Mike and Carol… Mr & Mrs Axxxx no less. Lets hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. .. To Mike and Carol…Cheers!

Let guests be seated.

Final Present (Viagra for Carol)

Thank God for that it's almost over and I hope you all enjoy yourselves this evening and if you have been entertained by this speech please show your gratitude this evening at the bar .. mine's a pint of bitter.

(Start to sit down and then quickly jump up)

But, finally, finally…I nearly forgot. I have once last request from Carol who tells me she's a little be worried about Mike in the "trousers department"..… I think you know what I'm talking about?

Well after extensive enquiries she'll be pleased to know I have managed to track down a chemist who asks no questions. I crossed his palm with a lot of silver and an orange KitKat and he gave me these… (mock-up Viagra pill box ‘deluxe version’ from Trick Box).

I'll give these to Carol so she can slip a pill or two in Mike's tea when he's not looking! In fact Carol pop one in his coffee now! Make sure you swallow it quick though or you'll have a stiff neck!

(pull out another box of Viagra)

Actually they were on special offer "two for the price of one"… (start to pass to Carol again).. but maybe I'll look after these! Look Carol there's a few women out there looking envious. Would anyone like to buy some? (all audience put up hands).

…Okay shows over … thanks for putting up with me and see you later.. I'm off to get a well deserved drink!

The end