Speech by Doctor Mark Freeman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Doctor Mark Freeman
Speech Date: jun 2003
Best Man's Speech

Intro

Thank you Ronnie for those fine words.

It is my job to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids which I am very proud to do.

I know this because when preparing for this I looked up in a book the protocol and what you have to do – it said you never get a better chance to talk about a man of incredible integrity, ready wit, an entrepreneur, raconteur etc. I then thought it was okay for the bloke writing the book but I bet his subject wasn't a man whose various nicknames are:

Full-on Ron
Da Doo Ron Ron
Big Ron – I've shared a room with him on Tour and still don't know why he's called that
Ronnie Babe
Uncle Ron the Kiddies Friend
Purple Ronnie

And of course, the most famous of all

Ron the Fish – when I first joined the Golf Club and I came across this chap called Ron the Fish. I thought that's a strange name and when I realised that his surname was Mackrell I thought it was obvious. It was only when I got to know him a bit better when I realised that his nickname was nothing to do with his surname and that he didn't sound like a fish but rather he drank like one !

So then, with limited material it might be easier just to talk about Ron and a couple of experiences we've had and leave you to judge the character of the man.

But before I do that let me tell you about Ron's Type A personality

Type A Personality
Now I didn't know what a type A personality was until I met Ron. I do now – I looked it up – it is somebody who cannot be second best at anything he has to do everything at 100 mph, if he has to buy anything it has to be the best – it has to be the dogs *********** (bollocks), if he's going to do something he has to do it better than anybody else – faster, bigger, better – if you've got a black cat he's got to have a blacker one.

Now, on Saturday's Ronnie generally picks me up to go to the Golf Club and because of this Type A personality – nobody is allowed to overtake him and if it takes longer than three and half minutes to get to the golf club from our house in Meriden there's trouble. On one particular occasion – which was a particularly hair-raising journey – Ron could see I was a little shaken when we arrived and duly announced when I got out of the car that “it was okay Doc I'm a Type A personality” – as if this could rectify everything – I thought it might be alright for his type A personality but what was I going to do for clean underwear for the rest of the day !

Hypnotherapy
Ron uses his knowledge of personalities in his work. Apart from being a very successful businessman Ron is also a fully qualified hypnotherapist. Now this happens to be a nice little earner for Ron – because he is prone to the odd kip himself – once he has got his patient into a trance it is often a race to see who wakes up first – at £30 a half hour – that's a nice few quid !

Golf
Golf is obviously the medium through which I know Ron best
And especially we have a great time here at the Golf Club.
There are obviously too many events to mention – we generally have a ball all the time
This past year though we did win one of the Club's premier competitions the Summer Fourball (Olton's equivalent of the F.A. Cup – well the Beazer Homes Trophy anyway) and this was in no small part due to Ron's ability to drink more than his opponents both before, during and after the game and to be able to play some sparkling golf at the same time

Generally though I really look forward to my Saturdays with Ron tremendously because Ron picks me up, we have a few drinks before, a fun game of golf whether its in a competition or not, and a few drinks after and get home late, not seriously late but just late enough that we get a little bollicking from our lovely ladies that just about makes it all worthwhile.

So you will get the feeling by now that it is generally well known golf and sobriety do not mix, especially where Ron is concerned. Therefore I will tell this cautionary tale of the sober golfer:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over
to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, did not waken! until 8
o'clock.

They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them
on the mowed lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty
weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.

Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a
lie".

My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went
to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep, and
that's why I'm late.

The wife looked at him, took notice of his grass-covered shoes and
yelled; "I can see the grass on your shoes, YOU BLOODY LIAR! You've been
playing golf again, haven't you?"

So beware Di – if Ron starts to come home late and sober – you let me know because he won't have been playing golf !

Cycling
What some of you won't know is what a keen cyclist he is. This is not classic cycling as you all might know it – but we have been known to set off on our bikes on Sunday mornings all kitted out like a couple of boy scouts, prepared for every eventuality. These eventualities never arise of course because we only cycle about 2 miles in total and take in about six pubs – this is of course on the premise that exhaustion and dehydration are killers and have to be taken very seriously.

I couldn't let this day go of course without talking about Barcelona – and those that went will tell you what a great time was had by all. I could tell you about lobsters or of how one of our company managed to get the attention of two female squaddies in a bar, but I won't – the thing that had the most affect me that weekend was sharing a room with Ron.

Barcelona

Ron taught me the definition of the word dilemma – one morning Ron had been in the bathroom before me – and I couldn't find the soap in order to wash my face before having a shave – I shouted into the room to ask Ron where the soap was and he said on the Bidet – my decision then is do I use the soap
Ron's snoring – for those that have never experienced this it is something else – now those that know me – I can sleep on a clothes line when I've had a drink – but I promise you it is something else to try to sleep when Ron is asleep in the same room – on a couple of occasions when Ron came in after me I had to get up and go out again and this was one o'clock in the morning !
It is very difficult to describe the noise
First of all you think there must be at least fifty people in the room in order to make the noise he makes
Then you think that somebody is trying to drive an articulated lorry into room
Then he goes through his full repertoire including the impersonation of a strangulated buffalo !
This has since had a profound effect on me – I have this conditioned reflex – now can't go into an empty bedroom without immediately jumping into bed to try to get some sleep – thinking that Ron will be in at any minute
now I know Di why you let him fall asleep downstairs !

It was actually in Barcelona –

Ron was walking along the beach in Barcelona and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of it. You can forget about having three wishes. You only get one wish!"

Ron sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Egypt, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Egypt so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Meditteranean ? Think of how much concrete… how much steel. No, it can't be done, think of another wish."

Ron said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, " the women I've been involved with always say that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I'm getting married soon so I wish that I could understand women…
know how they feel inside
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment
know why they're crying,
know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’
know how to make them truly happy…"

The genie looked at him and said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

I'd also like say a few words about Di.
Dianne
This description of women doesn't of course doesn't apply to you Di, in all seriousness you are a lovely lady and Ron has found an absolute diamond. I would like to personally thank you for a number of things
On behalf of everybody here thank you for looking after Ron – it really can't be easy
For being instrumental in enabling me to meet my wife – we've had four years of absolute bliss – haven't we darling – we've been married for twenty !
Thank for not letting on to my wife that golf doesn't six hours to play and you can't play it in the dark

Wife
While on the subject of of my wife I would like to thank her for putting up with me these past few years and I know I've been driving her to distraction over the past few weeks.

Talking of women, and this has nothing to do with you darling (look at wife)

I was reminded of this little story of

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving into men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved.
> >
>When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
>
>Never under estimate the power of a woman

So you have heard just a few little snippets about Ron and like anyone he can be forgiven for not understanding women, can be forgiven for enjoying a good time and I'm sure all assembled here will have made up their own minds what a lovely man you are.

Ron
I could have talked about you for hours. Everybody does it every week, usually sat around some bar or another.

But from my point of view
thank you for being an absolute inspiration. I've talked about giving me a lift on Saturday mornings but I mean that in the widest sense of the word. There is no more generous, fun-loving person who has a greater appetite for life – we all know you've had a few ailments over the last couple of years, like cancer and a heart attack – but you have no idea how many people come up to me and ask how you are and the enormous pleasure it gives me and you can see the absolute genuine delight in their faces when I am able to tell them that you have been given the all clear – you are a very dangerous character to be around but its well worth the risk.

Great Couple

Ron and Di truly make a great couple – I know how well suited you are because Di was very keen to come on Ron's Stag do's and it was very difficult to tear Ron away from Di's in the Malt Shovel – and on behalf of everybody here I would like to wish you many years of happiness.

Folks, thank you for your patience and for bearing with me, can I just ask you to do one more thing and raise your glasses to toast the bride and groom.