Speech by Doug Bell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Doug Bell
Speech Date: MAR 2004
¡Perdóneme! Attention, everyone! I'd like to give a toast to the bride and groom. . . quisiera brindar por el novio y la novia.

¿Los del fondo, pueden oírme? Can you hear me in the back? . . . ¿Sí? . . . Entonces, hágame el favor de traerme una gran botella de vino, porque tengo unas palabras que quiero decir. (Then get me a very large bottle of wine, please, because I have a few words I'd like to say [take out long connected sheets of paper]). . . .

For those of you who don't know me – and for those who are trying to forget – my name is Doug ____, and I am Scott's brother . . . (Scott is the groom) . . . Traditionally, as brother of the groom, I am supposed to be the “Best Man,” but I'm not; Scott didn't name a “Best Man.” Now, why do you suppose that is? Is it because Scott is pathologically incapable of lying? . . . Or, could it be that he is incapable of admitting the truth? . . . . Modesty prevents me from telling what I think the answer is, so you'll just have to decide for yourselves.

All kidding aside, one of Scott's greatest virtues is his honesty. He is nothing, if not loyal and true. Really, it's enough to make you sick! Growing up, he was one of those kids who made the rest of us look bad, one of those kids who would tell the teacher when the teacher overlooked a mistake on a test or homework. He was one of those kids who returned 2 cents excess change given to him. . . I remember once when we were about ages 5 and 7, we made “chocolate milk” in the backyard and gave some to our sister Gini. Of course, she cried to Mom and Dad, who asked us who gave her the “chocolate milk.” Scott said, “I cannot tell a lie: Doug did it.” . . . yes, Scott is nothing if not honest.

Now that Scott's older, the chickens have come home to roost. He can now claim what many men cannot: that what he has achieved in terms of character and possessions, he has earned. Or, to paraphrase a famous old brokerage commercial: “Scott made his life the old-fashioned way: He inherited it. . . . oops! Wrong commercial. He earned it.”

I trust that Scott will maintain his honesty and loyalty throughout his marriage to Beatriz, and will continue to actively earn her love and respect. Because that is what marriage is: an active, mutual commitment to honor the lives you have created, both individually and together, both separately and as a couple (. . . not to mention any lives that might yet be created!)

Of course, being true is easy when you're married to someone like Beatriz Rendón. ¡Ah, Beatriz! ¡Qué hermosa! ¡Qué intelegente! ¡Qué amable! ¡Qué apasionada! . . . ¡Qué funny [with Mexican accent]! . . . He la conocido a Beatriz solo unos días, y ya la amo. ¿Por qué yo puedo hablar como esto? No es porque estoy loco. No es porque soy el gobernador Arnold Schwarzenegger. No. Es porque Beatriz es una mujer que puede hablar de su corazón. Y aunque a veces no se pueda comprender qualquier cosa que salir de su boca en Inglés, no es importante. No es importante porque se puede comprender lo que dice por medio de sus ojos. Los ojos de Beatriz reflejan su corazón, y por eso no estoy preocupado de comunicación con ehScott – no estoy preocupado de lo que estan perdido en traducción (I'm not worried about what is “lost in translation”).
Y, en un matrimonio como este – en un matrimonio internacional – creo que la comunicación sea la cosa mas importante para un matrimonio exitoso.

EhScott and Beatriz bring to this marriage two vital ingredients: honesty and the ability to communicate without words. And this is why this marriage, I believe, will last and grow stronger over time.

So, let us ensure that this moment in the lives of Scott and Beatriz does not pass unrecognized. Invito a todos que levantarse y brindar por EhScott y Beatriz. I invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Scott and Beatriz: ¡Tened un matrimonio muy largo, felíz y provechoso! May you have a long, happy and fruitful marriage. ¡Salud!

A Bachelor's Party Toast
By D. Bell
(said with a Scottish accent)

Let's raise a glass, to the piece o’ ass
That we had ourselves last night.
Come break of day,
We saw her face,
And it gave us quite a fright!

But, what the Hell!
She served us well – gave us what we deserved 😉
So let's raise a glass, to that piece o’ ass
That we had ourselves last night.