Speech by Douglas McIntosh

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Douglas McIntosh
Speech Date: nov 2003
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE NEW MR & MRS |@><~.

Please allow me to introduce myself; For those of you who do not already know me, my name is "*********". For those of you who do already know me, Yes, **** did ask that Scots git to be his best man! I don't know why **** chose me to be best man, and by the end of this speech, neither will he!

First of all, I would like to thank **** for the great honour of being chosen as his best man today. And, **** has told me, apparently if I do a good job, I can be best man at his next wedding as well.

Before I make a total fool of myself, I must apologise for any pauses or breaks in my speech this afternoon, but unfortunately I can guarantee that I have been far more nervous this afternoon than **** is traditionally supposed to be. In fact I can assure you all, that standing up here to accept ****’s toast to the bridesmaids is about the fourth or fifth time today that I have got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

To be fair, **** was as nervous as me about making a speech today. So before the ceremony **** showed me a few lines he had prepared, then he snorted them and he feels much better now.

On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank **** for his kind words and I think everyone will agree that *****, ******, ******, ****** and **** all look beautiful today, and have carried out their duties perfectly.

****, in reply the girls have asked me to pass on that they thought you looked pretty smart yourself. They thought it was nice to see you standing up in a smart suit and speaking in front of so many people, and not having to start with the first words "not guilty your honour".

Maria would also like to thank **** for finally taking &~#%£$" off the shelf. @@@@@@@ is only big enough for one "girl about town", but don't worry Cax.… Maria will soldier on, and just have to double up on the drinking and dancing to make up for your absence. Even now, &~#%£$"’s application is being processed at the Women's Guild, and **** has assured me that now you are an |@><~, you will be allowed the secret of the family knitting pattern……….just as soon as **** has mastered it himself.

Now, everybody knows that one of the most nerve-wracking parts of being a best man is the speech. Plenty of books have been written on the duties he has to do, plenty of advice is available from those who have already done the job, but no one – except the man himself – can plan and present the speech. Yet in amongst the whole host of advice, there was one resounding message: "Make the speech no longer than it takes the groom to make love".

So I'd like to finish now by proposing a …………………No only joking, in fact I'd passed that point a few minutes ago.

Being asked to be best man for a friend has to be one of the greatest compliments that you can be given. Being the good friend that he is, **** took advantage of me whilst I was drunk, just after midnight one New Year. I guess now is as good a time as any to confess that I actually thought **** was offering to buy me a pint! That might explain my reaction of "Yes! Brilliant! I am honoured! What took you so long!"

In the build up to the wedding, I have been seeking advice on how best to carry out my duties today, and everybody I ask keeps reminding me what an honour it is to be asked. It's an honour in the same way as it is to be asked to make love to the late Queen Mother. You realise that a lot of time and thought has been put into choosing you for the job, and that it would insulting to refuse, but you really do not want to do it!

Ladies and gentlemen; in preparation for today's events, I thought I had better cast an eye back over my long friendship with Michael |@><~.

I was surprised how long that I have actually known **** It's over seventeen years, since the first time a funny looking geezer, with a sticky-out ear wandered into my life, naturally late for a training course, and sporting his favourite West Ham scarf!

In the time that has past since then, **** has proved to be one of the best friends a man can have, despite his numerous weaknesses…………

Unreliability:

Following ****’s success in getting to the church on time this afternoon, I am pleased to report that his ability to turn up at the right place, at the right time, has improved enormously since he has been retrained by a new mistress. It used to be that you could always rely on **** for one thing, HE WOULD ALWAYS LET YOU DOWN!

I have tried to list all of the times and places that I have been left in the lurch by ****. These include of all places, Trafalgar Square on the day of a Scotland match at Wembley, and Waverley Station, Edinburgh, on New Year's Eve. And even wriggling out when I got him a ticket for last year's European Cup Final.

However ****’s "piece de resistance" would have to be in 1992, when we planned a trip to watch Hearts play in Madrid,

I organised the flights from London, so that we could travel together.

I also paid for both our trips in advance!

Should I have been surprised when **** pulled out less than a week before departure (something to do with a court appearance), probably not – I should have known he would not turn up! And, at least he sent me a cheque to cover his costs………

But, after all my planning etc, I should I also have expected ****’s cheque to bounce, and send me into overdraught!

Car crashing

****’s driving ability is legendary. There can be few people in this room who have not been either in a car crash with him, or been crashed into by him.

**** is the only driver that can make the dog from Churchill insurance shake it's head, instead of nodding!

There are even rumours that this whole wedding has been organised so as to help ****’s application for a better insurance bracket! I don't think so!

However the tale I would like to tell relates to my mother-in-law's house!

The boys from His work are already aware of this story, but let me explain to the uninitiated!

Have you ever seen the film "Strangers on a Train", where two people meet and conclude that they can commit the perfect crimes on each others’ behalf?

**** was up near Inverness on business, and we had concocted a scam whereby he would "accidentally" bash the company car into my mother-in-law's guesthouse, and between us we would make up some astronomical cost for repairs to both the car and the house, which he could claim on expenses, and we would split between us.

So **** drives up to Inverness, insists (against all recommendations) that he reverse a Volkswagen Golf through a 6ft wide gap between a porch and a stone wall, then wait for it……

Reverses into the corner of the porch – damaging the car bumper, and knocking the porch askew!

Changes into first gear and (in the words of the witnesses) "bolts" forward and scrapes the drivers side of the car down the stone wall, obliterating the drivers wing mirror, and giving the car an unnecessary go faster stripe

Then reverses again, back into the porch, and takes out the other wing mirror!

Now you may all think that I am a pretty poor friend for grassing **** up for his driving, and for trying to diddle His work out of compensation, but ****, you let me down on the deal!

When you demolished the mother-in-law's porch, she was supposed to be standing inside it!

Dress sense.

What can I say about ****’s choice of clothing?

I was amazed a few years ago, to discover that **** is not, in fact, colour blind.

To use a quote, it has been said that **** "Wears extremely colourful clothing for a man still living as a heterosexual".

In his choice of colour combinations, not only does he appear to have supported most of the teams in the subutteo catalogue, but also worn the colours of every jockey in the Grand National. Often, all at the same time!

On a recent visit to Scotland, he recently tried to amend his ways by sporting a plain black t-shirt. However, being ****, he managed to choose a Skinny-rib, capped sleeve, lycra tight t-shirt, with glittery golden writing.

We had all thought we were going out, but **** was dressed like he was coming out!

The Bride

Tradition dictates that as Best Man, I am supposed to stand here and pay tribute to the Bridegroom. However, as this is the 21st century, and we live in times of equality, I would like, at this point, to pay a little bit of attention to the bride.

When **** first introduced me to &~#%£$", it was immediately obvious that the poor lad was totally smitten.

**** told me that this was definitely the woman that he would be spending the rest of his life with, though as **** was driving at the time, the "rest of his life" might only have meant a couple of weeks at the most!

**** told me that &~#%£$" had opened his eyes to a whole new world of things, which includes a degree of "dressing up", and since then he had been unable to tear himself away from the bedroom. Even my eyebrows were raised at this, until it turned out &~#%£$" insisted that they have mohair sheets, and that **** wears Velcro pyjamas!

As to &~#%£$" herself, she made an immediate impression on myself, and the lads at the football, by removing her top in the pub before a game. Sadly, this was a first, and last time, although she is always welcome in the pub if she wants to try again.

I had worried that I would see less of ****, now that he had fallen into the embrace of such a beautiful young lady. However, I have to say that since **** and &~#%£$" got together, it has been not as much like losing a drinking & football partner, as gaining another.

All of us up in Scotland have been captivated by &~#%£$", especially one of us by her mail order lingerie service, by her radiant smiling face, her gargantuan drinking capacity, and of course her exotic accent.

Until we met &~#%£$", most of us had thought a loiter was a slow meandering walk, not something you use for igniting your cigarette!

Since **** and &~#%£$" came back from London, I have been particularly impressed with &~#%£$"’s dedication and diligent study towards passing her exams this year. Not only is this aiming toward achieving her ambition of being a successful accountant, but is also a major factor in helping **** achieve one of his life ambitions, that is to retire before he is 40!

&~#%£$", you have been a great friend to myself, my girlfriend Tracey, and a source of endless fun and toys to my little daughter, and I truly regret any difficulties that we may have had about whether or not **** was good enough for you.

However speaking of difficult periods, I wonder how many of you here today know that there was a time where **** did not actually speak to &~#%£$" for a couple of months. Apparently he was waiting for &~#%£$" to finish talking so that he could get a word in.

BACK TO THE VICTIM, SORRY BRIDEGROOM!

Though born and brought up in England, **** is no stranger to Scotland. Even with all the lads up from England for the stag weekend, **** remained the strangest man in the whole of Scotland.

This brings me to the issue of ****’s strange "dual nationality"! From my first meeting with **** in the early 1980s, I never knew **** to support any form of English sport, apart from keeping an eye on the cricket. When he wasn't boasting of his technique in the full toss, or dazzling everybody by trying to show his googlies, **** spent most of his time trying to effect some sort of allegiance to Scotland.

Actually, on the subject of sport, **** has proved himself pretty good in nearly every sport that he has tried, apart from football. After many years of trying, his brother Steve now assures me that **** has been tried, and failed, in every position. Lets hope &~#%£$" has more success tonight!

Anyway, Back to ****’s search for a national identity. Apart form discovering the |@><~ had a clan crest, and the boast that his dad once owned a car with an Edinburgh registration, ****’s only apparent kinship to the Scots appeared to be his collection of whisky miniatures, and his taste for McEwen's 80 shilling. In fact he spent most of his visits to Edinburgh trying to replace his English blood stream with pints of Heavy in the Diggers, Jinglin’ Geordies and other famous boozers.

His obsession with all thing Scottish, eventually led to his friends and family nick-naming him "The Mock Jock", and he was most amusingly the only man to go to the World Cup in France, wearing a navy blue football shirt and a tartan scarf, and shouting for Scotland with a Croydon accent!

Initially, when **** told me he was getting married to &~#%£$", I naturally assumed that he had found true love, and was marrying for the purest motives. However, with the Stevenson clan originating in Ayrshire, we can now assume that this is actually ****’s way of sneaking in the back door, and adopting dual nationality!

Somehow, I don't think this would work, as despite all his best efforts, **** could not even get us into kilts for the wedding today. I think this outfit must have been inspired by Bill's model train set, only this train set appears to have too many Fat Controllers!

On the subject of kilts, and with the presence of several here today, I actually almost resorted back to the old jokes about what is worn under a Scotsman's kilt. Although when I am assured that nothing is actually worn under the kilt, and that it is all in perfect working order, I was intrigued to find out what **** would be wearing under his morning suit.

Having previously mentioned ****’s dress sense, I decided before leaving for the church this morning, to sneak into ****’s room and checkout the outfit **** was planning to wear under his suit today.

Harking back to ****’s attempts to be Scottish, some of you have probably always had your suspicions as to where ****’s allegiances lie, especially with the Scotland obsession, and with the Germany game going on this afternoon.

I think that the evidence I took from ****’s room leaves no doubt as to where his allegiances lie now. SHIRT

Ladies and Gentlemen…I shall try not to take up much more of your valuable drinking time. After all, I have to save my own throat……I've been told that if I go on any longer &~#%£$" is going to cut it.

If I may, I would now like to read a few messages, sent by some people unable to attend today – probably because they were not invited………..!

Hearts card,

Here's one addressed to **** only;

"****…shame it didn't work out between us – don't forget me just because you're married…Julian Clary"

and a message for &~#%£$"; – from the carpet fitters.

They regret that they have been unable to complete the fitting, but you can expect your underfelt later tonight, followed by a better lay than you are used to.

Another one for ****

"****…hope the swimming lessons pay off on honeymoon – do bring your new wife for the next pool party…Michael Barrymore"

speaking of the honeymoon,

We have also received a message from the Tropical Bay hotel, Mauritius:

"Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive, as we are putting something special on for you …the roof!

WEATHER REPORT

BEFORE WE FINISH, I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LET YOU KNOW THE WEATHER REPORT FOR LATER ON THIS EVENING.

THE HIGH PRESSURE WHICH HAS BEEN BUILDING UP AROUND MIDSOMER NORTON OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, CAUSING SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, WILL HOPEFULLY DISAPPEAR.

THE WIND IS EXPECTED TO BE MODERATE, (PAUSE), BUT THIS WILL HELP CLEAR AWAY ANY DRINK INDUCED FOGGY PATCHES.

TWO WARM FRONTS ARE EXPECTED TO MOVE SLOWLY TOWARDS EACH OTHER, CAUSING A CONSIDERABLE RISE IN TEMPERATURE WHICH IT IS EXPECTED WILL CONTINUE FOR AT LEAST THE DURATION OF THE HONEYMOON.

Now I feel that I have been delivering this speech for at least as long as I did planning it, and I hope you have enjoyed listening to it as much I enjoyed writing it.

But, like all good things this speech must end, and the time has come to ask you all to be upstanding for the toasts.

Ladies and gentlemen

I would like you all to join me in a toast to the most important people here today…

<Wait for glasses to be raised>

…to the bar staff