Speech by Dr Mark Barley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dr Mark Barley
Speech Date: June 2002
For those who don't know me my name is Mark.… and for those of you who would like to get to know me better, my room number is…
As you may have gathered, I have the pleasure of being James’ best man. One of the privileges is that I get the best seat in the Church for the service. Indeed, before the wedding I had a quick chat with the Vicar and, being a good boy, I asked him for his thoughts regarding sex before marriage …he looked around, leaned across and whispered “I have no problems with that whatsoever – providing it doesn't delay the ceremony!” – Which reminds me, I must congratulate him on the size of his organ!
I was a bit nervous about getting up here and speaking to you all, so I prepared a few lines………..now after snorting them – I feel absolutely fine!
—
Now, of cause it is a great demonstration of our friendship for J to bestow the honour of “best man” upon me, but it is a greater test for J to endure the blushes from the obligatory speech! The sign of a good friendship is the ability to laugh at each other, and I promise this will be no exception!

To introduce the few of you who have yet to "have the pleasure" of Dr N, I thought it would be fitting to read from the Medical School yearbook – which is a summary of each graduate written by “friends” when leaving medical school. [open book]
At that time an unassuming otorhinolaryngologist and his wife dwelt upon the land. An angel came down to them, saying, "Be joyful! For the Almighty has chosen to bestow His only son upon you, to be an eighth-generation doctor unto the people." And lo! it came to pass that a son was born unto them, whom they named J F, in time he was sent to Shrewsbury Boy's School, to be tempted, but instead he chose to row on the lake and run in the wilderness, until, as it is written, he adjourned to the town of Nottingham, and the Medical School. For five years, he toiled almost ceaselessly; and though omniscient, he remained humble; and lest they forget this, he once proclaimed, "I am wrong, occasionally." And the people saw that he was content to ride from town to town in a lowly Seat Marbella, marked out only by its divine bull bars.
A golden child, of undimmed virtue, he barely drank, rarely smoked, and never, ever, took advantage of freshers by pressing ale upon them, awing them with his illustrious lineage, and romancing them at the Irish – on a yearly basis.
It was said that J was blessed with bountiful talents, eclipsing even his infinite wisdom. With his angelic voice, he lifted the hearts of the people and spread the Word. Notwithstanding his ungodly build ("there's something hanging down from your shorts, Jim – oh it's your legs"), our J proved himself to the people as a skier of some repute, a footballer of considerable ability, and an unapologetic beater of peasants (? Or should that be pheasants.)

When J was born, his mother said "they threw away the mould" – sadly some of it grew back. To J, a pair of socks lasts a week and boxer shorts can be worn twice – inside and out. His mastery of the “spray-on shower” – a quick spray of Lynx Java – is a source of many a domestic, and even some concern for Public Health, I mean how many of us have our underpants declared a “site of special scientific interest?”

The night J and R first met was of course memorable, picture the scene, eyes meeting across a crowded room, a slow motion run, arms out, a lovers embrace to last forever…?
No…
…the Irish Nightclub, possibly Nottingham's most feeble excuse for entertainment, not dissimilar to a disco in a Village Hall, but populated by medical staff researching the effects of alcohol upon social interaction.
James (rather intoxicated), pushes me towards a couple of girls dancing – with the words:
"Ere, Barls, you ‘ave this one, an’ I'll have the other".
…Quality.
However, this approach, perhaps more appropriate in a “Yates's Wine Lodge” was remarkably successful, as these fine young Nursing-students (sadly out of uniform!) were none other that R and E (my bird!), who were clearly enraptured by the attentions of the Dynamic Duo!

Having snared young YYY in his web, J set about with the art of seduction. A quick trip to Ikea turned his bedroom from a Beirut squat into something resembling a “chambre d'amour”, clean bedding, soft lighting, and a little Barry White working his magic on the CD player. Almost clean undies were pressed into service, and Lynx noticed an upturn in profits with the number of “spray-on showers” J took!
He pressed his little-used culinary skills into action, preparing a magnificent “Beef Wellington” for his beloved, in return Becs raided M&S and cobbled something together, hoping he'd not noticed the packaging! Each time he visited, R was presented with a trophy of his adoration, a small stone animal, which she dutifully displayed, gaining quite a collection. Unbeknownst to J, Becs thought these were hideous!

I remember their first row, it was over something tiny – (at least that was what she said!) As J fled the aptly named “Totty Towers” Becs was peppering him with these tacky stone trinkets. After spending the night in the back of his car, I think J (and his bank manager!) realised that this girl deserved only the finest gifts!
Soon it was time for R to meet the XXX family. Given the Beef Wellington and Champagne breakfasts, and despite the Seat Marbella, It took little effort from Dr M to convince R that a visit to the XXX estate would be an interesting affair! She believed us when we told her that the haise (house) had not only a butler and fifteen rums (rooms) for guests, but also was surrounded by a moat and working drawbridge! I hope she was not too disappointed when she realised that he wasn't a Hereditary Peer!

Following this, the young couple rapidly earned the title "Posh n’ Becs" for obvious reasons!

Indeed the beauty of their relationship rapidly became apparent. As each manages to moderate the other. R keeps J's feet on the ground and his head from out of the clouds, as J does have a tendency to give his unadulterated opinion about absolutely everything!

Of course it wasn't long before R uttered those magical three words… [pause] "Shut up, J"

And J even manages (somewhat heroically!) to pacify the “Drama Queen” when R is in full effect which is quite frequent since they have recently relocated to Hell!
…or should that be Hull, where they have one word for snow, and 250 for “no you can't, he's your cousin!!

– Says it all really!

I must say I find it quite strange standing here with the title “best man” when all I've done is keep the rings warm in my pocket! After all J is the one getting married, and in the eyes of the bride, and all of us, he is the best man! He is a fine physician, and a good friend – I really must ask him the secret of his success!!

Perhaps the greatest compliment I can pay them is that R has become as much of a friend as J, which is something truly special. I hope that the next fifty years are as much fun as the last two, not only for the “happy couple” but for all of us who share in their joy!

Now traditionally I have to offer you some advice but I have to confess I couldn't think of anything that needed saying. Everyday in my job I offer advice, “Stop Smoking”, “Eat a low cholesterol Diet” or “Enjoy moderate exercise at least three times a week”
– I do you that you will both achieve the former and indulge in the latter!

I did find a quote from the poet Ogden Nash that I thought I'd share with you:
“Whenever you're wrong – admit it
Whenever you're right – shut up”

On behalf of us all, I'd like to thank the bridesmaids, who look radiant – in fact if you'll all meet me in the Jacuzzi later, I'll thank you personally!

Finally, it fills me with great pride to ask you to raise your glasses as I present to you all- my very best friends, the new, Dr & Mrs XXX!