Speech by Dr Martin Duke

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dr Martin Duke
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Ladies and gentlemen, although I use the term gentlemen loosley considering all the car salesmen and Arsenal supporters that are here today, may I welcome you here today to celebrate the marriage of Sandra and Malcolm.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, may I thank you Malcolm for your kind and generous words and for the toast that you have made to them.

When starting to prepare what I was going to say, I referred to one of the many books that I have, especially the sayings and philosophy of that wise man Confusious.

Confusious say “ best mans speech last as long as it takes groom to make love” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

Now, on a more serious note, I would like to offer you an insight into Malcolms past, and as his older and wiser brother, I feel that I have a special insight having spent many years in the same room as him.

Let me start with his schooling and I have had his old school report dug out of Mums records. It states that the school had to place the new children into the appropriate class so gave them a little test. The other two lads were both Irish, so Malcolm thought it would be easy to get in the top class. The teacher asked paddy which was the odd one out of Cabbage, potato and a knife – quick as a flash, Paddy said knife – the others are vegetables. Then Sean was asked the same question and quick as a flash he said knife as the others grew in the ground. When Malcolm was asked the question, he took 10 minutes of thinking and finally said cabbage. Stunned, the teacher aske why – you make chips with the other two!!

As he grew up, it was clear that little brother and I were very different. What ever I did he did the opposite.

I support Spurs, he supports arsenal
I like blondes, he likes brunnettes
I liked girls, he liked boys……

But this was also the start of his interest in sport – football, keep fit, a bit of golf etc. Now I know there are some of his football mates here and they tell me he is useless in every position, so Sandra, I hope you have better luck tonite.

Talking of arsenal, I must congratulate you on disguising this double celebration as a wedding!!

However, it does remind me of the question: What does a three pin square plug and Arsenal have in common – they are both bloody useless in europe.

When Malcolm and Sandra met and started going out, we all knew that she was getting interested in him when she spent a lot of time looking at his arse…………………………..…

nal videos.

But Malcolm, let me give you another insight to confusious:

Confucious say “man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink”

There is some truth in this because when I was preparing this speech, I did some research and came across an ancient book with a number of definitions regarding marriage:

It said:
• The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
• The altar – the place where 2 become 1
• The hymn – the celebration of the marriage

I think Sandra must have read the same book, ‘cos as she came up the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle, Altar, Hymn"

Telegrams :

Dear Sandra, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?
When you were 3 years ago your mum and dad
were putting you to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening all over again!

To Sandra: Shame it didn't work between us, However, if the rumours are true about Malcolm, ring me – Robbie Williams

To Malcolm: Shame it didn't work between us, we could have been so good together – lots of love, Julian Clary

A few other cards………….…

And so Ladies and Gentlemen, may I end by wishing Malcolm and Sandra all the very best for the future……Malcolm and Sandra.