Speech by Duane Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Duane Taylor
Speech Date: oct 2003

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me my name is Duane Taylor and I will be your best man this evening. I always think the title best man is too much. You should have the groom and a pretty good man – I mean if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

It's been a great day so far. We had a nice round of golf this morning. I hope for Lynn's sake, Andy is better around the hole than he is on the golf course! Must not be used to the cut of the grass!

I have the dubious honour of having Andy as my best friend for the last 25 years – I know you don't think I look old enough – unlike Andy! Now you would think that after 25 years I would have enough dirt on Andy to absolutely bury him, the problem is we were pissed for 25 of them! We can remember going to lots of places, coming home – not so much.

We met when we both worked for the Co-op and no we didn't get paid in stamps, mind you at 22 quid a week it was close.

As you know, Andy likes the odd pint 11,13,15 and our friendship really took hold in our Friday nights in the pub. We would sit and talk about our hopes and dreams for the future and also talk about our upbringings. I soon realized that when Andy was watching Batman, Superman and Spiderman, these weren't fantasies, they were options! It's ironic that following his exploits on the race track he has ended up as the bionic man. This is good news for Lynn as he now does everything in slow motion!

Talking of that, Andy bought those new Olympic condoms and said to Lynn, we should use the gold on our wedding night. Lynn said why don't you use the silver and come second for a change!

One of our favorite topics in the pub was what we would do if we won the pools. Andy had down to the last detail – “I will by a Lamborghini, A house in Spain, Buy back Skelbrook Hall or something similar, drive a race car, have BMW's has runabouts and marry a gorgeous blond”. – OK Andy, where's my half – you obviously won right!

Only joking we all know Andy got where he is today by focus, single mindedness and BBC – that's Benson's, Beer and Curry!

One night in the pub Andy whipped out his P60 (ooerr) and covering most of it up, showed me one number. Wow that's amazing – easily more than I earned. He goes “yeah, that's what I paid in tax!”
One of Andy's biggest quality is his loyalty, which will stand Lynn in good stead. If Andy likes something he stays loyal to it and there are many examples. Take this place, Andy has held many functions here, Andy and Lynn got engaged here and here we are today on their big day. Andy likes staying here – he pretends the tiny soap is normal size and his muscles are huge! BMW – Andy bought his first one back in 1990 and has bought many since, both personally and for the business, mind you, he didn't make a career out of his love for BMW, I mean who would do that! (Best man works for BMW) The Indus in Doncaster, Andy has been their best customer for 25 years, he spends enough there each month to make Nayim's 911 payment! Avoriaz – Andy goes every year to ski. I don't know if you know that Andy's war cry is “No Gut's – No Glory!, if you've seen Andy ski it should be “No Brains – No Glory. Doesn't know what the word turn means! Pedro's in Spain, every time Andy goes to Spain, he makes a bee-line for Pedro's. I remember our first night there. We decided to eat which was a rare event in itself. Andy ordered Asparagus tips to start, hot with melted butter, which surprised the waiter as they are served cold. For his main course he ordered a fillet steak with peppercorn sauce. With every mouthful of the steak I was passing Andy the Kleenex – Mmmm, Mmmm, this is the best steak I have ever had. When the waiter came to clear the plates, Andy exclaims “that is the best steak I have ever had I want to buy the chef a drink” No it's OK senor says the waiter. But you know Andy, he never takes no for an answer and goes to the bar to buy a drink. He them marches into the kitchen – people scatter, they are obviously more used to complaints than praise and Andy is 6’4”. The waiter hears the commotion and goes in and sorts everything out. The chef gets his drink, Andy makes a new friend, they all hug – very touching. We leave and go home, have a couple of nightcaps and go to bed. I am in my bedroom getting ready for bed and I hear this awful noise. I look outside expecting to see a wounded animal, but no. I realize it's coming from Andy's room; I go in – no sign of him. I open the bathroom door and there's Andy calling God on the big white telephone. Gooorrrd! Goorrrd! I mean he is turning himself inside out. Being the caring friend I am, I went to bed. In the morning Andy comes down looking decidedly green about the gills. I tear into him – Oooh it's the best steak I've ever had, I must by the chef a drink Oooh!.
Andy looks me in the eye and says “I knew that last pint tasted funny (shouted out by the groom).

Our Friday nights moved to going round Doncaster and this is when Andy moved into his power drinking phase. In the first pub he orders 2 Red Stripe, turns to me and says and what do you want. I laugh; he says really what do you want. Many a time we would be blathered by 9.30 and Robin would have only dropped us of at 8.30. Andy would try his patented pick up method – telepathy. Which funnily enough wasn't that successful. You would think that being stared at for half an hour by a Versace clad drunk would turn any young girls head!

At the end of the night we always ended up in the Indus. In the beginning we would have a curry, as you do. Then Andy had a brainwave, we will carry on drinking and then order a take out just before they close, just what we needed – more beer. So we would stagger home at 3 in the morning with bags full of vindaloo. Andy would put his favorite movie on then promptly pass out in his curry. He would wake up 2 hours later with chapatti stuck to his ear and curry in his hair. It became such a habit that he started to order his curry with pillow rice! He'll be here all week folks!

I am sure you'll agree Lynn looks stunning today. I don't know if anyone noticed the big smile on Lynn's face as she walked back down the aisle. I am married and can tell you what she was smiling about – she knows she's given her last blow job!

When I first met Lynn it was also Andy's first exposure (ooer) to her. We had gone out for drinks after work. Andy set his usual blistering pace and some of the group began to lag behind – infact one person in this room, who shall remain nameless – Elaine, was doing an Andy in the toilet – calling god etc.
Anyway the drinks started to pile up. Near the end of the night I turned to Lynn and said I bet I can drink that pint of Carling Premier down in one. She said I bet I can and I bet I can beat you, obviously delusional I thought, but OK you're on.
Sure enough Lynn beats me and doesn't spill a drop. Instant respect. The next morning I said to Andy, she is the one for you; pursue Lynn until you get her. He obviously agreed and the rest as they say is history, as we are here today.

It is tradition on these occasions for the pretty good man (keep up mum) to offer words of wisdom and advice to the happy couple. I doubt very much that anyone should take advice from me or that anyone would listen anyway. At your ages, if you don't know what you are doing by now, you never will.

Men and women will never understand each other – Andy how could you understand someone who will take boiling hot wax, pour it on her upper thigh, put the hair by the root and still be afraid of a spider!

Andy it has been a privilege having such an awesome and generous best friend for the last 25 years and I am looking forward to the sharing the next 25 with you and Lynn – I'm not talking about a threesome, just sharing in your lives.

Andy – Lynn don't be afraid to try something new – remember, amateurs built the ark and professionals built the titanic!

Thank you.