Speech by Dvid Rees

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dvid Rees
Speech Date: sep 2002
HELLO EVERYONE! CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE BACK? ..… WELL IN THAT CASE I'LL HAVE A JACK DANIELS AND COKE PLEASE.
Folks, a wedding is a special day for all kinds of reasons. It can be a great chance to have a drink or two. It can be a great opportunity for single people to meet one another. It can be great chance to buy a new outfit. And, of course, it offers the Best Man the undivided attention of a room full of people when he's had a glass or two of the good stuff.
I'd like to begin by thanking STEVE for asking me to be best man. I would
also like to thank CLAIRE for allowing STEVE to ask me.
STEVE has a splendid set of friends, and to be nominated from such esteemed company, is without doubt a great honour.
On behalf of the bridesmaids and flower girls, I'd like to thank STEVE for his kind words. And I might just add that his thanks are fully justified, because they have done an incredible job and look stunning. In fact only eclipsed by CLAIRE herself.
THERE'S ONE PERSON WHO SADLY COULN'T BE HERE WITH US TODAY.AND UNDOUBTLY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PROUDEST DAY IN HER LIFE,AND THAT'S CLAIRE'S MOTHER DAPHNE..SO I WOULD LIKE U TO ALL RISE YOUR GLASSES.FOR ABSENT FRIENDS.DAPHNE
When STEVE asked me to be his best man I've got to be honest I started to panic, what am I gonna say, what can I say but STEVE reassured me. he said if I do a good job today I can be the best man at his next wedding.
. I've tried to Memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far … and neither does my eyesight.
Now before I go on to completely slander STEVE'S character as is traditional, I'd just like to first thank W.H.SMITH BOOKSTORES for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’, I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:
"Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing STEVE will be all of them, so I've got about £1,000 on me…
"Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…
"Ensure that the groom:
Uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps his mum should have been best man.
"See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay" – I should think most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…
"Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:
Aspirin, antacid, deodorant, Valium (colsie and I have already finished most of those in the BAR beforehand) toothpaste, and a big black magic marker pen".
I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…
"Make a speech to the bride and groom."
Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people. Still, must press on…
"The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."
As you can see, STEVE obviously IS an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.
I'VE KNOW STEVE FOR ABOUT 23 YEARS,WELL I'D SAY SINCE NURSERY SCHOOL,SO WE HAVE GONE THROUGH QUITE A LOT TOGETHER..
Actually I asked STEVE'S mum, LINDA, for any embarrassing photos of STEVE and she said she had one of him naked in front of the fire eating a chocolate biscuit. I thought it wouldn't be fair to show this as it was only taken last year
I'D LIKE THIS OPPURTUNITY TO THANKS STEVE'S PARENTS LINDA AND CERI FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME,IN FACT EVERY TIME I'M IN THEIER HOUSE THEVE TREATED ME LIKE ANOTHER SON.I'VE DONE THE WASHING,HOOVERING,DISHES
Its Fair to say that for Steve it's also not always been plain sailing, for example he has had a few health problems recently. He's just spent TWO days in hospital in the premature ejaculation unit….… apparently it was touch and go at one stage.
Although his parents loved him, it's not hard to believe he was an extremely ugly baby. In fact I'm told his Mum didn't start morning sickness until after he was born.
1975.the year he was born
Tiger Woods the Us golfer is born
VHS and Betamax video introduced
Paul McCartney fined for growing Marijuana
IN PRIMARY SCHOOL, STEVE WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST KIDS THERE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE PLAYED N08 FOR THE SCHOOL RUGBY TEAM.UPON LEAVING PRIMARY SCHOOL IT WAS THEN THAT STEVE STOPPED GROWING.BY THE TIME STEVE WAS LEAVING COMPRHENSIVE SCHOOL, MOST OF THE NEW 1ST YRS WERE BIGGER THAN HIM.
He tells me that he was exceptionally gifted, and very popular at school …
And the reports I ‘ve had from our old school, tell a similar story, ‘STEVE was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’.
Ooops, sorry that should be, ‘STEVE was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’

Here we have some examples
Geography
STEVE is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst STEVE is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
STEVE'S understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Technical Drawing
STEVE has always been a willing student but will always have trouble distinguishing between Inches and millimetres.
IVOR, STEVE'S BOSS, said, ‘Working with STEVE is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle

STAG WEEKEND.
IT WAS A MEMEROBLE WEEKEND WE HAD UP IN BLACKPOOL,BUT UNFORTANATLY STAG LAW APPLIES.
SO IF ANY OF U WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED PLEASE BE FREE TO SEE ME UP BY THE BAR LATER,BUY ME A DRINK AND WHO KNOW'S I MIGHT JUST SPILL THE BEANS.

WE ALSO HAD A STAG PARTY LAST SATURDAY NIGHT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO COULN'T MAKE BLACKPOOL AND FOR THE ONE'S THAT WOULN'T Have been able to handle Blackpool, WE WENT TO SWANSEA WHERE WE WERE DULY ATTENTED WITH CERI JOHN AND MIKE THOMAS…WHO DID ACTUALLY PUT A FEW OF THE YOUNGER BOYS TO SHAME..WE HAD A BUS FROM THE VILLAGE CLUB INTO TO TOWN..WE HAD A LITTLE SING SONG ON THE WAY IN..SORRY A BIG SING SONG CAUSE THEY WERE ALL CALLING ME A FAT BASTARD…BUT I'M BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT..AND THEN ON WE WENT TO WINE STREET..IT WAS HERE THAT MOST OF THE GROUP WAS SPLIT UP..CERI JOHN WAS EEN TRYING TO LIGHT ONE OF THE 800 FAGS HE HAD ON HIM.DISAGREEING WITH THE DOORMAN AT CHICGO ROCK BECAUSE THEY WOULN'T LET HIM IN WITH HIS TICKET..WHICH IN FACT WAS FOR THE PUB DOWN THE ROAD

READING OF CARDS
From the JAK TAR VILLAGE resort in DOMINICAN REP "Congratulations to you both on this special day.
We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a memorable one.
Please do not worry if there is a slight delay when checking in,
As we are putting something very special on FOR YOU – The roof!"
TO CLAIRE,WE COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TOGETHER..GEORGE CLOONEY.
TO STEVE,I LOVED THE WAY U SHOCK YOUR ASS.GEORGE MICHEAL.
TO MY DARLING CLAIRE, THANXS FOR THAT GREAT NIGHT TOGETHER BUT I WISH WE COULD HAVE DONE IT MY WAY..FRANK SINATRA
TO MY GORGEOUS LITTLE LEGS,THANXS FOR A SUPURB NIGHT OUT..KYLIE
Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
– In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
– In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
– In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.… and then it was too late!"
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
– Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything as CLAIRE says! <Marigold gloves>
– Secondly, never be afraid that CLAIRE will leave you – she's spent 10 YEARS training you already – she's not going to throw that away lightly!
– Thirdly, never forget those oh-so important three words – "you're right CLAIRE!"
THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY 2/OR SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE HERE TODAY WHOM WE ALL HAVE THE UP MOST RESPECT FOR AND QUIET HONESTLY WITH WHOM WE COULD NOT DO WITHOUT. AT SOME STAGE OF THE EVENING WE WILL ALL BE WITH THEM, SHARING WITH THEM THIS SPECIAL DAY, AND IF YOU WOULD ALL STAND FOR ME NOW I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST TO THEM:
THE BAR STAFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank both of them for always being there for me when I've needed them, which I certainly have in the past, even if it is just to go round for a bit of psychology, or to eat them out of house and home. There's not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.
I'VE GOT SOME WORDS OF ADVICE FOR U STEVE.
Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and fight
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A husband's last word should always be ‘YES DEAR’.
In a woman's dictionary an ARGUMENT is defined as:
" A discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realised that yet."
And finally always try to help with the cleaning..…
Pick up your feet when she is doing the hovering.
So STEVE and CLAIRE you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as STEVE couldn't have done any better and CLAIRE couldn't have done any worse.
Participate in speech
Before I finish I would like to ask Steve and Claire to participate in the speech now. Claire if I can ask you to place you had flat on the table. . . Steve, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Claire, (camera) Steve. . . I hope that you are enjoying that mate as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand..
Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.
And would you all please remain standing, and joining me in a toast to the happy couple "Mr and Mrs JOHN.