Speech by Ed Miller

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ed Miller
Speech Date: Jun 1998
Ladies and gentlemen …

You'll probably all be grateful to know I won't be starting my speech in Irish. I can't count to six in French, so see no point in pushing my luck.

It just struck me as Eamonn and Paul were speaking before me, how much they have in common. After all, it's the first time in 25 years that Eamonn has been able to speak for 10 minutes without interruption from the women in his family, and it'll be the last time in 25 years that Paul gets to do the same, so I sincerely hope he treasures this moment.

I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far … and neither does my eyesight.

Now before I go on to completely slander Paul's character as is traditional, I'd just like to first thank Eamonn for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’, which I brought with me today. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:

"1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Paul will be all of them, so I've got about £1,000 on me…

"2. Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…

"3. Ensure that the groom:

uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps his mum should have been best man.

"4. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay" – I should think most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…

"5. Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:

aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (Paul and I have already finished most of those in the pub beforehand) toothpaste, and a big black magic marker pen".

I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…

"6. Make a speech to the bride and groom."

Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people. Still, must press on…

"7. The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."

As you can see, Paul's obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.

Paul and I go back some 20 long and weary years, some 20 years too many in my opinion. Tracy and I go back four years (not together, obviously), but that just feels like 20.… We both briefly met Tracy at school about eight years ago. I say briefly, because she was only there three days before leaving for undisclosed reasons – reasons I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions about. However, Paul met Tracy officially for the first time on the same night as I did: September 1st 1994, which is one of those dates that always sticks in your head for some reason, along with the sinking of the Titanic, the Battle of the Somme, and the shooting of John F Kennedy.

Somewhat inevitably they met in a pub, which is quite fitting given that they've spent most of their time together in there ever since. Thinking back, it's a touching story. Paul met the woman of his dreams that night, the woman who would eventually — little did he know it then — become his wife. Things didn't go quite so well for me … for on the very same night I got punched in the face. But at least it led to this wedding, so I feel a bit like a cross between Cilla Black and Mike Tyson. I suppose the effect of being punched was much the same for me as it was for Paul meeting Tracy, but mine hurt more. Every time I see Tracy, my one abiding thought is not: "Ah, Mrs Kxxxx". It's that I'd never have had my glasses smashed if she hadn't met Paul.

The pre-Tracy version of Paul Kxxxx is not very different to the present version, only smaller, less grey, and a little bit less stressed. But I'm sure that's just coincidence. As a child, he was the smallest and quietest kid in school, and as you may have judged from his earlier speech, some things haven't changed. But whereas I may have been a bit louder than him, I've always been jealous because he's always been better at football than me. However, I always found a way round his speed and silky skills, by resorting to uncultured exhibitions of violence and two-footed waist-high tackles.

Not a lot has changed in two decades, except that now I have to contend with Tracy as well, who invariably knows more about two-footed tackles and football than Paul. Indeed, I was sorely tempted to hurry her up the aisle earlier today by launching just such a waist-high tackle, but thought it inappropriate for the occasion. Besides, she's likely to retaliate.

Paul also discovered girls earlier than I did … that's because while I was worrying about English exams, he was copying my work, leaving him free to pursue girls to his heart's content. Put it this way – he'd discovered bike sheds before I even knew what bikes were. Elaine, his first-ever girlfriend, is actually here today. She's the one quaffing great gallons of alcohol down there and no doubt breathing a huge sigh of relief at her lucky escape. Unfortunately, his other ex-girlfriends couldn't make it and have sadly denied us some quality entertainment as a result.

Now I know it's traditional to provide some scandal and dig some dirt on the groom. Er…, well he hasn't really given me the opportunity. I'm banned from using my one and only example by Tracy, although on the stag night Paul did get to meet Carol Vorderman of the popular TV quiz Countdown, much to his embarrassment. Anyway, I'm sure Paul's university friends could probably shed some light on his behaviour between 1991 and 1994, which I gather was extremely ‘out-of-character’. Or at least that's what Paul says. If you buy them a drink, they can fill you in on all the gory details.

Actually, speaking of the stag weekend, which was held in Blackpool two weeks ago as Paul needed the time to recover, the most notable thing about it was the fact that it was the nearest the two of us have ever come to a fight: it was the first time in 20 years he punched me … merely for trying to handcuff him to a bar which I thought was most unreasonable. Because of this we had to handcuff someone else, and Paul didn't even feel remotely guilty about that. It was also one of the first times in 20 years that I've seen him dancing. Tracy, you're in for a treat in an hour or so — there's no stopping him on the dance floor and rhythm and style are obviously of little importance to him, but he needs lots of alcohol to get going.

Now, I've always thought Paul fits nicely into that category between laddish thug and would-be romantic. I'm sure those of you that know him best wouldn't describe him as the most romantic person you've ever met, but you'd be wrong. One particular story strikes me. During our year sharing a house – an interesting experience to say the least – I had a computer and printer in my bedroom. Coming home one evening, I noticed a crumpled ball of paper in the corner of the room. I hadn't put it there, so I opened it up and printed on the paper were the words: "Tracy, you are so nice and lovely". Paul later had the bad grace to suggest that he hadn't written it, blaming it instead on his young brother Simon, who I'm sure had nothing to do with it, did you Simon? So you see, he is romantic and in love. This is a rare condition curable by marriage anyway, so I wouldn't worry — it'll probably just go away.

The laddish side of his character is another story. During the troublesome early months of Paul and Tracy's courtship, which I recall with all the fondness of having my tonsils removed such was the heartbreaking melodrama of it all, he did actually bet me 10 pounds that they would have split up within six months because things weren't going too well to start with, and he wanted to have something to show at the end of it. Naturally, recognising the ball and chain already firmly linked to his ankle, I said they'd still be together and won the bet as is evident by the fact they're getting married. However, he's never paid me that tenner to this day and I think it would be a nice gesture if he finally coughed it up…

A word or two about the bridesmaids mustn't be forgotten, of course. Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It is apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for an hour, and I'm sure you'll agree they've performed such a role splendidly. Indeed, prior to the service, there was a touching sisterly scene. They were having this furious argument about who was to get to dance first with the best man, but it was all sorted out with barely a broken fingernail or slashed cheek. Which is probably what I'll have later on, but I'm just after a cheap laugh. Seriously, all of them have done very well and do look lovely. I know Tracy would also like me at this point to include someone else in these congratulations – her make-up girl, Lianna, who broke her arm three days before the wedding and has still managed to fulfil her duties. So I think a round of applause for her and for the bridesmaids is most definitely in order…

I'm sure I also speak for all the parents, and the happy couple, when I sincerely thank you all for eating and drinking your way through £10,000 of their money, condemning their early years of wedded bliss to poverty, hardship, destitution, and debt. However, ladies and gentlemen, the best thing I can say about Paul and Tracy is … [LOOK AT NOTES OVER-EXAGGERATEDLY] … their gen-er…, generosity (is that right, Tracy?) …yeah, their generosity of spirit.

Seriously, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank both of them for always being there for me when I've needed them, which I certainly have in the past, even if it is just to go round for a bit of psychology, or to eat them out of house and home. There's not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I started planning this speech 12 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Paul and Tracy, Mr and Mrs Kxxxx no less, who deserve to be here with each other today (and I do mean that in the nicest possible way). We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. Paul and Tracy…