Speech by Eddie Toomey

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Eddie Toomey
Speech Date: Feb2006
My Best man speech.

Hello Boys and Girls. For those of you who don't know who I am, my name's Eddie and I'm the bloke who you pay so you can eat your meal. For those of you who do know me, you'll know that you don't have to pay me you just have to beat me to the buffet.
Before I get started, I would like to ask both Bride and Groom to take part in my speech. Bride, will you please place your left/right hand on the table? Groom, will you please place your left/right hand on top of Bride's…
Are you enjoying that? Well, keep going then…
Now, I'd like to thank Groom for his wonderful speech, and now it's my turn. Are the Children still awake? Yes, right, well that's half of my material gone then. May I just say that Bride and Grooms kid's, along with Bride look absolutely stunning… Whereas Groom just looks stunned.

Nope, Groom, I do have to say that you look very smart today. Mainly because you copied what myself and your brother are wearing, but hey, good taste is good taste wherever you get it. Mind you, we copied what your son is wearing, we are all wearing the same outfits is wearing though. Only one of us is wearing nappy pants though, but he was really nervous doing the photography today, so that can be forgiven. Groom's brother is doing the photography

I've never had to make one of these speeches before, so I searched the net, during the few spare hours I get at work every day, in between my getting in, lunch and going home. I've some lovely pictures of Kelly Brook by the way, but that's probably because I typed the word Breast instead of Best. I'm gonna try and keep it short because if it's not funny, then you can all say commend me on the length… of the speech in case you were thinking otherwise. However, if you find that this speech isn't making you laugh, you can look at these pictures of Groom and Bride as children and laugh at those instead, I won't be able to tell whether its me or the pictures. Get embarrassing pictures of them as kids out

According to the Internet, its traditional for the main part of the best man's speech to try and embarrass the groom. So here goes, Groom has a hairy bum, but he's losing his hair on his head, and he used to play with Barbie Dolls as a kid. If you want to verify those claims ask the Bride, his mum and the football team, but I'm not telling you which question you need to ask them. Incidentally, its also tradition for the best ma to end up with the chief bridesmaid at the end of the night, So Sarah Name change, if you'd like to sort out some sort of payment plan, I'd be happy to stick to tradition. Groom was born on Tuesday the 29th of November 1977. Now most people try and tie this in with a Major event in history, all I could find out was that the Nurses on the maternity ward of Guys now refer to this day as ‘Monkey boy Tuesday’

Many of you will know that Groom is rather clumsy, in fact he's been known to trip over in an empty room with a perfectly flat floor. I've seen Groom fall off of a one foot high wall on holiday, heard the story about falling out of his street door and landing flat at Bride's &amp mate's feet, something that only needs to be mentioned to either of them to watch them both reduced to human hyena's and was also witness to him dancing down the street then falling arse over tit onto some sand after the Bacons staff Christmas party a couple of years ago, landing in front a nativity scene, complete with added snowmen for effect. Bride, Myself and I dare say the unknown couple who also saw it still enjoy that personal highlight.

Now this is one of those unique moments and a bit special for me, as I've actually known Bride longer than I've known Groom. So the having to tell her about any little secrets about Groom's bad habits or secrets will be a bit of a waste of time. She'll have them all memorised by now, ready for use in any future arguments.

Having known Bride for over ten years and Groom for nearly as long, I have to say there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, and I hope there's nothing they wouldn't do for me. In fact we often meet up and sit around doing nothing for each other all weekend.

Bride did confide in me that she thinks she may not be able to sleep the night before due to nerves. She said ‘What if I can't sleep?’ So I said ‘well, you can ring me’ then she went ‘Noooo, I need to sleep’ so I told her to ‘Ring Groom's brother’ only joking mate.

At this point in the speech, The 2 year old son, said something, so I asked him to repeat it over the microphone. He then told me to ‘Shut up. One of those moments you can't plan really, but it topped the speech off

Those who know Groom know that, mainly due to the influence of his old man, he is an advocate of D.I.Y. Well, he claims to be a fan of do it yourself, but its actually S.I.N.A.F.I.L Start it now and finish it later

As is traditional, I now have a few messages to read out from those who couldn't attend and those who weren't even invited, but first a quick announcement. We are running low on toilet paper so if everyone can think of any alternatives. C'mon on Groom, use your loaf… Once Groom had to wipe his arse on a slice of bread when he got caught short while out shopping

Dear Bride, Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Love Nigel Harman

Dear Bride, You forgot your thong and magic wand we'll look after them for you. From the boys at Adonis in Brighton. site of hen night

Dear Groom, You forgot your thong and magic wand we'll look after them for you From the boys at Jongleurs in Camden. site of Stag night

It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldn't wish for better friends to be best man for. Friendship isn't a big thing it's a million little things. Groom, you are truly a lucky man. Bride's a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one! Now I'm not married myself, but I'm sure the right girl for me is just round the corner. Unless the police have moved her on since last night!

To round off the speech, I'd like to say that Groom, in Bride you have found someone that is attractive, smart, funny, loving and caring. And Bride, you have found shrug Groom

Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked Groom to place his hand on top of Bride's, I will tell you now. Groom … as my final role, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last few minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over Bride.
Ok that's me done, now time to get drunk, but first, the Toast.
Please all be upstanding and raise your glasses
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Bride and Groom!!